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agency

Member
Hi everyone, I was just curious, are there any statistics or research that deal with "personal development" in relation to age? As in, some sort of objective representation of attainment of certain social and personal goals (i.e. getting a career, spouse, kids etc) in relation to people's age. I'm 23, and I feel like I have gotten absolutely nowhere with my life.

I know that's a pretty young age to say something like that, since I realize my life is still just beginning (or at least I will concede to that for argument's sake), but what I mean is that I do not feel like I have attained any of the "levels" that are normal to attain by my age, and therefore any further progression in my own development would be impaired, or at least lagging due to this, since I will have not gained awareness or fluency of certain "basic" laws of social interaction/integration by an age when it is expected of me to have done so.

Is this a valid concern to have? It feels like there's some cumulative age-appropriate experience points that everyone else has gathered that I haven't, and this is preventing me from being a "real" person. Has anyone else ever felt this way? Is there really a normal mode of progression for adult development? I know that everyone is different, but I was wondering if there are statistics that show what the majority tends to lean towards.

Sorry for any grammar errors I've made in this, I am really tired, but this is bothering me very much right now, it jumped out at me when I was reading about Adult ADD on Wikipedia (I know, self-diagnosis = bad) and saw the line "The difficulty [with organizing one's life] is not due to the ADHD person's direct behaviour, but usually more due to the simple things that the ADHD person will miss, especially when an adult of their age or experience should catch onto or know."
 

Daniel E.

daniel@psychlinks.ca
Administrator
Re: "normal" model of personal maturity and social integration?

The ongoing trend is that there is no standard age:

In interviews with dozens of 20-somethings, most say they share a sense that there is no right time to have completed their education, lived on their own or gotten married, that such fixed expectations have no place in their lives. And many see it as beneficial to step slowly and gradually into adult life.

For More People in 20's and 30's, Home Is Where the Parents Are - New York Times

BTW, for a cross-cultural perspective:

Large numbers of workers trying to start careers in their thirties may have a significant impact on the current corporate culture of Japan.

Freeter - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
 
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agency

Member
Thanks Daniel those were both really insightful articles, although it seems that the parents of these people are a lot more comfortable with the idea of living with their parents, than the parents themselves are.
 
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Daniel E.

daniel@psychlinks.ca
Administrator
Of course, some people are easier to live with than others, and some parents really enjoy living with their 20-something children. At the end of the day, it's just a bunch of adults deciding what is best for their interests. Certainly, most parents would see it as a failure if their children didn't move out at some point, but that point has been moving up and up.

In any case, just the fact you are in college is a very social thing and a good sign, especially compared to this apparently ongoing epidemic in Japan:

More than one million young men who shut themselves in their rooms (hikikomori)

Michael Zielenziger - Shutting Out the Sun - Hikikomori - Japanese Culture
BTW:
25 year old student living at home... am I a loser?
 
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Sparrow

Member
Hello agency,
I suppose I can understand your curiousity and intrigue esp. if you are younger than myself pushing only 50.
However, beyond your interests in research, statistics, or surveys, do not lose sight of your hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
Some have lost all of the above for years, irregardless of age.
As in, some sort of objective representation of attainment of certain social and personal goals (i.e. getting a career, spouse, kids etc) in relation to people's age. I'm 23, and I feel like I have gotten absolutely nowhere with my life.
Have? Have not?
Perserverence comes to mind too, and it's a great big wide world out there!
Also,
Re: "Normal" model of personal maturity and social integration?
Personally, I don't like the word "normal". And where one applies it is pretty relative too.
42nd street, the Congo, or to Tokyo?
We all have definitions, including our static ones. :)

:budgie:
 

Daniel E.

daniel@psychlinks.ca
Administrator
Some Canadian stats:

In 2001, 57% of young men and women aged 20 to 24 were living with their parents; in 1981, the proportion was only 41%.

http://www.statcan.gc.ca/studies-etudes/11-008/feature-caracteristique/5018786-eng.pdf
In 2006, 43.5% of the 4 million young adults aged 20 to 29 lived in the parental home, up from 41.1% in 2001. Twenty years ago, 32.1% of young adults lived with their parents.

Among individuals aged 20 to 24, 60.3% were in the parental home in 2006, up from 49.3% in 1986. Among those aged 25 to 29, 26.0% were in the parental home in 2006, up from 15.6% two decades earlier.

Saskatchewan (31.8%) and Alberta (31.7%) had the lowest proportions of young adults aged 20 to 29 living in the parental home in 2006. Among the other provinces, Newfoundland and Labrador (52.2%) and Ontario (51.5%) had the highest.

Among the census metropolitan areas, Toronto had the highest proportion of young adults who lived in their parents' home in 2006. Nearly 6 in 10 (57.9%) young adults aged 20 to 29 lived with their parents in Toronto, well above the national average (43.5%).

Census: Families, marital status, households and dwelling characteristics
 
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I think these feelings are pretty normal (indeed, I have them myself from time to time, and I'm 38), but I think ultimately they are counter-productive and destructive. I remember having them with regards to getting laid when I was a teenager. I was so terrified that I was a loser because I hadn't gotten laid yet. I managed to finally take care of that when I was 18, but then it became a matter of numbers.

I worked for a couple of years after high school and hence started college "late". So this was a focus of my low self-esteem for a while, regardless of the fact that I graduated summa cum laude.

The danger is that this will just become an ongoing thing. Ultimately it's a type of judging. Self-judgement, to be exact. Our minds seem hard wired to want to constantly compare and judge everything around us. Evolutionarily it may have been advantageous to compare oneself constantly with your peers (keeping up with the Jones')... after all, if you were not up to snuff in the hunter/gatherer days you would have simply been left behind. The vestiges of this may be responsible for body-dysmorphic disorder and loads of other psychological problems. ACT therapy advocates tuning out this constant never ending stream of self and other judgement. According to ACT it's responsible for much suffering.

A couple of other things came to mind when I read your post as well. There is the implicit assumption that there is a "norm" and that it is desirable to strive for this norm. Their seems to be this assumption that somehow the "masses", or society must have fallen on the "correct" way to live ones life? I'm not convinced of this at all. Neither are the millions of people that live outside this norm. Many of them are wonderful people. Being overly concerned with this "norm" acts as a very limiting and narrowing force. It excludes other possibilities that may contribute to your happiness. Certainly, there is nothing wrong with the "norm", not by any means, but it isn't the only option. Indeed, the existentialists would disapprove.
;)

So, I'd suggest trying to get in touch with YOUR OWN goals and aspirations, and start working towards them, without forgetting to enjoy the present, of course. Life is constantly unfolding itself in the present moment. A balance of short and long term goals is probably the best approach, and short and long term satisfactions. If you are in college, it's natural that certain short terms goals may be sacrificed temporarily.

Anyway, I wrote this as much for myself as anything. It's something I have to remind myself of every now and again for my own piece of mind.
 
i know you feel you are already 23 and "should" have this or that or be this or that, but 23 is still really young, and you haven't had to chance yet! i know it doesn't feel that way but you're still at the start of your life. you've got plenty of time to accomplish things you want to accomplish. :)

the other thing i think is important to realize is that life is like music. to find out what i mean, check out this link (and thanks again daniel, i think it is a really important message): Life as Music - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum this link very clearly shows that, as i say in my signature, "it is the journey, not the destination, that matters"
 
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