Old habits die hard

[Autumn_leaves]

Hi,


I don't really know where to start! I'm having trouble at the moment trying to control my bulimia, and I think I'm doing well, as I've not binged and purged for three weeks.I'm also trying to give up smoking. I realised I only ever did these behaviours to control my weight, so when I had a burst of courage I decided to try and kick both habits. The problem is that I feel I've gaining weight and it's upsetting me a lot. If I was toned and lean before, I feel like I'm turning in to a doughy blob now. I've started running every day, but I've still put on weight, probably because I'm hungrier due to not smoking.
: ( Like this, it would be soo easy to pick up my old ways again, but I know that that would be a real shame. I just feel I'm in a situation that I can't win! Without purging and cigarettes, it seems inevitable that I will gain weight, but I can't deal with that, because one of the things that makes me feel secure is feeling skinny and feeling like I'm in control of my size.

I hate being this "vain" or preoccupied with my weight, but it's something I think about throughout the day (along with food). On bad days, when not smoking and not purging seems too much, I'll lock myself away in my student residence and when my friends come knocking on my door to see where I am, I'm not a pleasant person. I can be very hostile sometimes. Maybe I'm just jealous because their lives seem straight-foward.

I'm trying to study psychology at the moment, in french, which is not easy for me, and because my mind is so preoccupied I just can't focus my attention. I'm falling so far behind. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to be here any more. I find myself wishing my boyfriend was here,because I need some support and love and there is none at all here. I don't have enough confidence in any of my friends here to talk to them.


If anyone who suffers bulimia would like to talk on msn to me, I would like that very much.


Thanks for your time.

Claire

 

[Autumn_leaves]

Hi,


I don't really know where to start! I'm having trouble at the moment trying to control my bulimia, and I think I'm doing well, as I've not binged and purged for three weeks.I'm also trying to give up smoking. I realised I only ever did these behaviours to control my weight, so when I had a burst of courage I decided to try and kick both habits. The problem is that I feel I've gaining weight and it's upsetting me a lot. If I was toned and lean before, I feel like I'm turning in to a doughy blob now. I've started running every day, but I've still put on weight, probably because I'm hungrier due to not smoking.
: ( Like this, it would be soo easy to pick up my old ways again, but I know that that would be a real shame. I just feel I'm in a situation that I can't win! Without purging and cigarettes, it seems inevitable that I will gain weight, but I can't deal with that, because one of the things that makes me feel secure is feeling skinny and feeling like I'm in control of my size.

I hate being this "vain" or preoccupied with my weight, but it's something I think about throughout the day (along with food). On bad days, when not smoking and not purging seems too much, I'll lock myself away in my student residence and when my friends come knocking on my door to see where I am, I'm not a pleasant person. I can be very hostile sometimes. Maybe I'm just jealous because their lives seem straight-foward.

I'm trying to study psychology at the moment, in french, which is not easy for me, and because my mind is so preoccupied I just can't focus my attention. I'm falling so far behind. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to be here any more. I find myself wishing my boyfriend was here,because I need some support and love and there is none at all here. I don't have enough confidence in any of my friends here to talk to them.


If anyone who suffers bulimia would like to talk on msn to me, I would like that very much.


Thanks for your time.

Claire

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

I can relate to a lot of what your saying it is unbelievable how we are like on the same page... although i am not studying in psychologie at the moment but theat<s were ii want to go later anyway.. i am presently in a treatment center fr my bulimia and anorexia.. but i must say bulimia is really hard to stop.. but you not having done anything in 3 weeks well that<s supper.. I can<t imagine how hard it is .. one of the other girls in the progrmamt has stopped for 1 week and she beet her record so well tree weeks.. what i can say to you is that well keep going but laso don<t get discourged too fast.. what they tell s in the programme is tht rlpse is also part of recovery. when we fall bak into old habits it makes us puourselves back in kestion .. and try different ways to stop..
keep it up your doing good
sometimems when someone around you knows how your feeling and stuff it could help they could hep don<t put everything on your own sholders..is the a psychologist at your school or university... that oculd help as well.
ey and wow tu etudie en francais, c tres bien ke tu puisse parler deux langue .. motive toi ma chere t capable .. tu vaux mieu k la boulimie
ashley-kate

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

I can relate to a lot of what your saying it is unbelievable how we are like on the same page... although i am not studying in psychologie at the moment but theat<s were ii want to go later anyway.. i am presently in a treatment center fr my bulimia and anorexia.. but i must say bulimia is really hard to stop.. but you not having done anything in 3 weeks well that<s supper.. I can<t imagine how hard it is .. one of the other girls in the progrmamt has stopped for 1 week and she beet her record so well tree weeks.. what i can say to you is that well keep going but laso don<t get discourged too fast.. what they tell s in the programme is tht rlpse is also part of recovery. when we fall bak into old habits it makes us puourselves back in kestion .. and try different ways to stop..
keep it up your doing good
sometimems when someone around you knows how your feeling and stuff it could help they could hep don<t put everything on your own sholders..is the a psychologist at your school or university... that oculd help as well.
ey and wow tu etudie en francais, c tres bien ke tu puisse parler deux langue .. motive toi ma chere t capable .. tu vaux mieu k la boulimie
ashley-kate

 

[Eunoia]

I wish I was capable of studying Psych in French! That's amazing that both of you are so competent in French. I swear, the only way I'll ever learn it properly is to go to France for some time....

anways, yes, I agree w/ Ashley that no matter how small of a time 3 weeks may seem to you, it's a huge improvement if you haven't binged/purged since then. ok, so the thing you have to remember is, that we set ourselves up for failure, b/c as soon as we stop binging/purging/restricting b/c ie. as you said we suddenly had a "wake- up call" we get discouraged after some time as we gain weight etc. but if you think about this realistically, of course you're bound to gain weight if you stop the behaviours/habits that made you lose weight or not gain any in the 1st place. however, there is a way around this. if you stop binging/purging and smoking which have served you in the past to control your weight, you will gain weight unless you replace those behaviours w/ others that are healhtier. ie. moderate amounts of exercise, healthy eating habits ie. balanced meals, and just taking care of yourself in general.

the downside to quitting smoking can be to gain weight but smoking in itself has far worse long term effects than the little bit of weight you will gain when you quit. If you really want to find healthier ways to lose weight, stay fit, be happy w/ yourself and actually want to stop binging/purging I would suggest going and talking to someone about this. this is a very difficult thing to do on your own and it's difficult to quit old habits and find new ways of coping... going on runs is a great start, but if you're still hungry due to not smoking and the increase in exercise, just be careful that you're not overdoing the exercise... and btw, if you exercise that will increase your appetite which is a good thing b/c you'll need more energy and will have more energy as a result... so just exercising may not be the only answer to stopping to binge/purge. bulimia is a complex disorder and there isn't an easy fix.

also, bulimia or ed's in general can definately affect your moods too... so it makes sense why you're irritable as you said due to dealing w/ bulimia, trying to stop, and quitting smoking. all the more reasons why it could be beneficial to go talk to someone about this who has experience w/ this and can help you.

how long have you been in France to study there? if you just got there in Septemeber do give it some time in order to feel more comfortable w/ talking to people there about things... but keep in mind that you can work on your friendships and feel like you have support from them, without having to disclose everything to them. just having friends alone helps a bunch. and as you've figured out, being in your room and not wanting to talk to people won't help you in feeling like you ca talk to people more. it kinda does the opposite. new friendships usually build on breadth first, then depth... so it makes sense why it'd be "weird" to tell "new" people about something like bulimia... how much longer are you there for??? maybe try calling you b/f to get some things off your chest and do try to be social w/ people there as much as you can, it will pay off in the end. good luck w/ everything!

 

[Eunoia]

I wish I was capable of studying Psych in French! That's amazing that both of you are so competent in French. I swear, the only way I'll ever learn it properly is to go to France for some time....

anways, yes, I agree w/ Ashley that no matter how small of a time 3 weeks may seem to you, it's a huge improvement if you haven't binged/purged since then. ok, so the thing you have to remember is, that we set ourselves up for failure, b/c as soon as we stop binging/purging/restricting b/c ie. as you said we suddenly had a "wake- up call" we get discouraged after some time as we gain weight etc. but if you think about this realistically, of course you're bound to gain weight if you stop the behaviours/habits that made you lose weight or not gain any in the 1st place. however, there is a way around this. if you stop binging/purging and smoking which have served you in the past to control your weight, you will gain weight unless you replace those behaviours w/ others that are healhtier. ie. moderate amounts of exercise, healthy eating habits ie. balanced meals, and just taking care of yourself in general.

the downside to quitting smoking can be to gain weight but smoking in itself has far worse long term effects than the little bit of weight you will gain when you quit. If you really want to find healthier ways to lose weight, stay fit, be happy w/ yourself and actually want to stop binging/purging I would suggest going and talking to someone about this. this is a very difficult thing to do on your own and it's difficult to quit old habits and find new ways of coping... going on runs is a great start, but if you're still hungry due to not smoking and the increase in exercise, just be careful that you're not overdoing the exercise... and btw, if you exercise that will increase your appetite which is a good thing b/c you'll need more energy and will have more energy as a result... so just exercising may not be the only answer to stopping to binge/purge. bulimia is a complex disorder and there isn't an easy fix.

also, bulimia or ed's in general can definately affect your moods too... so it makes sense why you're irritable as you said due to dealing w/ bulimia, trying to stop, and quitting smoking. all the more reasons why it could be beneficial to go talk to someone about this who has experience w/ this and can help you.

how long have you been in France to study there? if you just got there in Septemeber do give it some time in order to feel more comfortable w/ talking to people there about things... but keep in mind that you can work on your friendships and feel like you have support from them, without having to disclose everything to them. just having friends alone helps a bunch. and as you've figured out, being in your room and not wanting to talk to people won't help you in feeling like you ca talk to people more. it kinda does the opposite. new friendships usually build on breadth first, then depth... so it makes sense why it'd be "weird" to tell "new" people about something like bulimia... how much longer are you there for??? maybe try calling you b/f to get some things off your chest and do try to be social w/ people there as much as you can, it will pay off in the end. good luck w/ everything!

 

[Autumn_leaves]

Hey thatnks for your replies Ashley-Kate and Eunoia..

I've been s good about not smoking, and the other day when I tried to smoke, I could only manage half and then had to put it out, so I guess my body thinks that I;m doing something right!

Unfortunately I binged last night though. : ( I've been feeling depressed and alone a bit recently and suffering bad anxiety. I think that was what set it off. It's so disappointing. My friends went to paris today, but I didnt have the energy to go with them.

I wanted to ask about some things I've noticed recently..is it normal to bruise really easily when you're bulimic? Ive noticed that bruises on my arms have been there ages, and I seem to bruise really easily reently, every time I knock in to something. Also, I get confused and my memeory and concentration are poor (not good being a student). I also get really cold all the time, and my finger nails go blue sometimes. I was wondering if this is normal of if it might be anaemia. I have been dizzy recently and sometimes get head rushes just from standing up. : s I don't think I binge often enough for it to be due to bulimia. So confused!

I should go and see a doctor, but the french system seems so expensive, and being private, I've known friends to be recommended a ton of things.. ie a friend who had tonisillitus was given 6 different types of tablets to take, and another who fell in the shower had 5 x rays (which showed nothing). I don't have the money for that, lol.

Claire

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Surely long term bulimia can cuse many of thesymptoms that you posted .. and well being cold .. a lot of people experience that as soon as they skip a meal or anything it is because your body's energie goes straight to were it is necessary first . your vitals. and then if it has spare then it will be used for your body heat seeings how you don't really keep the energie that you consume your body is on like a survival mode.. . you should go see your doctor because the faster you find out what is causeing everything the sooner you can get treated.
yours trully ashley-kate

 

[Eunoia]

I think what you have to understand is that any type of unhealthy behaviour will have an effect on your body if engaged in for a longer period of time, so it does not matter that say, you don't binge/purge too often. Your body is ina state where it is trying to repair itself from the damage that has occured to restore electrolyte balance, repair damage to your esophagus, stomach, intestines (as ex.) so it is of no suprise that your immune system is lowered as a consequence. smoking can do the same thing. thus, your body is undergoing additional stress which means it does not have enough resources to fight off more stressors or even maintain basic body functions, such as taking care of a bruise. do your brusies change color at all (they should, it's a sign that they're healing)?keep in mind though that there are also other factors to cause people to brusie easily, ie. other diseases (flu) which lower your immune system, or just having very sensitive and thin skin... you could be anemic, to best deal w/ this try to go to a doctor, I'm sure you can tell them you don't have the means for 5xrays if not needed etc., do they maybe have a walk-in clinic on campus for students?? if you're on an exchange did they not include some kind of insurance deal?

your body is tired with always having to fight so hard so it makes total sense why you would feel tired a lot. having your memory fade, being dizzy, being cold, and having poor concentration can all result from your bulimia (also from anorexia) and again, they're ways your body is telling you it's not keepin up w/ the damage. pls consider to at least see a doctor or to get some help w/ your actual ed. it isn't fun to wake up and be dizzy or to not be able to study for tests only b/c you can't concentrate (this happens a lot to me and in the end I lose out b/c I can't tell people that I couldn't study as much b/c of my ed... you don't want to be in that same position.

lastly, go to Paris!! It's amazing. and who knows when you will have those opportunities again. things like that will definitely take your mind off of eating and bulimia and trying to get things figured out. it's a chance just to enjoy being you and being w/ friends in spite of whether you like your body or not....