Pain

[Ashley-Kate]

Part of recovery is relapse we as anorexic, bulimics or whatever addiction we may have know that have been told that countless times over and over again. Is that supposed to make it okay for a relapse is it supposed to excuse relapsing, making it alright.

I guess i am writing this in some kind of state of frustration not really expecting an answer just a great need to vent to express how unfair i find this disorder is. I am so tired of fighting against it when the outcome seems to be the same. I trust that some will get better that some may recover but i also believe that some may never recover and that this little voice we call anorexia will be present through one's whole life. Through relationships, education future children pregnancies.

I was lucky to come across a man who got to know me as a normal average (somewhat ) girl that had little preoccupations but none out of the ordinary and he loves me. What hurts is when he sits next to me on a park bench holding me and telling me that what he finds frustrating is that i am letting myself die. How am i supposed to respond how am i supposed to reassure him when ultimately that's pretty head on what i am doing. I recently found out a couple of months ago that i have a tumor in my breast we had to go through lots of tests ultrasounds biopsies and suck to figure out if it is cancer or not. Going through that stress took it's toll on me and the anorexia resurfaced, I am yet to know the results of the biopsy(next week)
I am in therapy again with a psychologist that i finally feel understands me we decided i should be hospitalized to treat the anorexia, yet there was no more beds available and my BMI is still above the "underweight" criteria therefore i am not a candidate for hospitalization. Since that incident my health has taken a turn for the worst as i aim restlessly to reach that BMI because i feel it's the only way they will help me and i can't do it on my own. I am scared cause i see that my health is getting bad and i see that people are worried, I am on a medical leave of absence from work cause i was no longer able to function and every waking minutes of my day is anorexia, so much for recovery. I am tired of the fight.

yours truly Ashley

 

[Retired]

Ashley,

Sorry to hear about your recent difficulties. Hopefully the results of the biopsy will be favorable, but whatever it might be, you can only deal with it when you have more information.

There are occasional relapses in many treatments related to mental health disorders, which is why it really helps getting through the bad days if you keep focused on the ultimate goal, which is when there should be more good days than bead days.

You seem to have already experienced previous relapses, after which there was probably a period of relief. Knowing that relief should follow a relapse might help you during the difficult period.

I was lucky to come across a man who got to know me as a normal average ....what he finds frustrating is that i am letting myself die.

Does he understand you have been and are currently seeking treatment in dealing with your disorder? As I recall, you have been concientous about finding help and working hard to follow your doctors' recommendations.

That being the case, you may be struggling, but not letting yourself die.

When you feel you are ready and the time is right, asking your psychologist if you might have a session with your friend to allow him to gain deeper insights into your struggle.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi im sorry you are struggling so much right now try not to worry about the tumor although i know that is hard one to do. It could be just a massive cyst or benign lump even I know several people have had it come back being just that so all that worry was for nothing. You have to keep you well okay strong just in case you have to go for treatment. You need to have you health strong get the hospital to listen get you in for some help let them know you circumstance okay There may be a bed available I hope that you get new back soon Ashley Kate so you can conentrate on getting you back on track again with your weight hugs