Parenting tips for toddlers: Encouraging good behavior

[David Baxter PhD]

Parenting tips for toddlers: Encouraging good behavior
By Mayo Clinic Staff
Feb. 17, 2009

Life can be frustrating for toddlers. Though often eager to show their independence, toddlers may not be able to move as swiftly as they'd like or communicate their needs. This combination can easily lead to tantrums and misbehavior. But you can teach your toddler to behave well by providing love, attention, praise, encouragement and a degree of routine. Consider these parenting tips for toddlers.

Show your love
Positive attention tops the list of parenting tips for toddlers. Make sure your displays of affection for your child outnumber any consequences or punishments. Hugs, kisses and good-natured roughhousing reassure your child of your love. Frequent praise and attention also can motivate your toddler to follow the rules.

Accept your child
As your child grows, he or she will display certain personality traits. Some of these are learned, others genetic. Respect your child's developing individuality and don't expect him or her to be just like you. While you're likely to notice features of your child's temperament, avoid labeling these features — which can encourage bad behavior. Instead, nurture your child's personality by finding ways to help him or her feel confident. A strong-willed child, for instance, has perseverance. Build on your child's strength by encouraging him or her to play with a challenging toy.

Minimize rules
Rather than overloading your child with rules from the outset — which may frustrate him or her — prioritize those geared toward safety and gradually add rules to your list over time. Help your toddler follow the rules by childproofing your home and eliminating as many temptations as possible.

Prevent tantrums
It's normal for a toddler to have temper tantrums. But you may be able to reduce the frequency, duration or intensity of your child's fits by taking these steps:

• Know your child's limits. Your child may misbehave because he or she doesn't understand or can't do what you're asking.
• Keep it friendly. Use a friendly tone of voice when you ask your toddler to do something. Phrase your request as an invitation rather than a command. Say "please" and "thank you," as in, "Please stand still while I put on your coat."
• Take 'no' in stride. Don't overreact when your toddler says no. Instead, calmly repeat your request.
• Pick your battles. Only say no when it's absolutely necessary.
• Don't make deals. Bribery may teach your child to break a rule when you don't reward him or her.
• Offer choices, when possible. Encourage your child's independence by letting him or her pick out a pair of pajamas or a bedtime story.
• Avoid situations that may trigger tantrums. If your child always seems to have tantrums at the grocery store, hire a sitter the next time you go shopping. Also know that children are more likely to act out when they're tired, hungry, sick or in an unfamiliar setting.
• Make it fun. Distract your child or make a game out of good behavior. Your child will be more likely to do what you want if you make an activity fun.
• Stick to the schedule. Keep a daily routine as much as possible so that your child will know what to expect.
• Encourage good communication. Remind your child to use words to express his or her feelings.

If your child has a tantrum, remain calm and distract him or her. Ignore minor displays of anger, such as crying — but if your child hits, kicks or screams for a prolonged period, remove him or her from the situation. Hold your child or give him or her time alone to cool down.

Enforce consequences
Despite your best efforts, at some point your toddler will break the rules. Consider using these strategies to encourage your child to cooperate:

• Natural consequences. Let your child see the consequences of his or her actions — as long as they're not dangerous. If your child throws and breaks a toy, he or she won't have the toy to play with anymore.
• Logical consequences. Create a consequence for your child's actions. Tell your child if he or she doesn't pick up his or her toys, you will take the toys away for a day. Help your child with the task, if necessary. If your child doesn't cooperate, follow through with the consequence.
• Withholding privileges. If your child doesn't behave, respond by taking away something that your child values — such as a favorite toy — or something that's related to his or her misbehavior. Don't take away something your child needs, such as a meal.
• Timeout. When your child acts out, give him or her a warning. If the poor behavior continues, guide your child to a designated timeout spot — ideally a quiet place with no distractions. Enforce the timeout for one minute per year of your child's age¹. If your child resists, hold him or her gently but firmly by the shoulders or in your lap. Make sure your child knows why he or she is in the timeout. Afterward, guide your child to a positive activity.

Whatever consequences you choose, be consistent. Make sure that every adult who cares for your child observes the same rules and discipline guidelines. This reduces your child's confusion and need to test you. Also, be careful to criticize your child's behavior — not your child. Instead of saying, "You're a bad boy," try, "Don't run into the street." Never resort to punishments that emotionally or physically harm your child. Spanking, slapping and screaming at a child do more harm than good.

Set a good example
Children learn how to act by watching their parents. The best way to show your child how to behave is to set a positive example for him or her to follow.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

¹ Comment: I've never been a fan of "timed time-outs", especially with younger children. Rather, when applying a time-out for "bad behavior", I recommend letting the child know that the time-out will end when s/he is prepared to "act nicely" rather than, for example, being physically or verbally aggressive. The message to the child then becomes clearly, "Because you are behaving in an unacceptable fashion, you must sit here or go to your room, but as soon as you are willing and able to behave in a more prosocial manner, you are free to come back and join the rest of us". In my view, that lays out both the reasons for the time-out and the remedy or remedies, and it places the choice within the child's control.