PTSD, Isolation, and Triggers

[arboria]

Caution: May be triggering.

*****

I haven't posted in a very long time.

Today was World Suicide Prevention Day, and it was quite triggering for me.

After years in a loveless, neglectful marriage, I had an episode of promiscuity a few years ago, and it ended with me being severely abusived and bullied at work. At the time, the only option that made sense for me to was to committ suicide, but I didn't. One reason was guilt over my failing marriage, and I knew that if I committed suicide, he wouldn't get my life insurance. The other reason is that I had fallen in love with someone else, and that love, that person, was the last shred of hope I held.

I've lost pretty much everything- my family. Both parents have passed away, and I can't have a relationship with my sister due to a long history of abuse. She refuses to ackowledge and respect my boundaries.

My husband left last year, and we're divorced now, which is a good thing. We're still friends.

I'm living on my own for the first time. I had gone straight from living at home with my mother to my husband.

I was treated for my PTSD and have gradually made my way back to work. But since I've been alone and circumstances have triggered me again this year, I was suicidal again in May. I wrote a note and had a plan. Each time I've reached that place, I don't really know how I claw my way back out. I reached out to people who I feel should be there for me, and I was rejected. It's a pain I'm not sure I can overcome, and as I've been trigggered over the last week (a few things happened at work), I've tried to reach out again, and it's been met with rejection again.

I'm left feeling like a fool for expecting things to be different. I'm tired of fighting this alone. The people I reached out to are aware of the trauma I experienced a couple of years ago, and it was a unique trauma that is not easily explained. I'm alone with it, because none of them will talk to me. Not being met with contact when I reach out for help is crushing, and I feel like people will only love me and support me when I'm doing well or living up to their expectations.

And as punsihing as the consequences of my last episode of promiscuity were, the isolation I'm experiencing and lack of contact are driving me to want to reach out in that way again. The person I fell in love with claims to love me, but isn't present. He's the one I want, but he is unable or unwilling to be a presence in my life. Again, the situation is unique, but I sit here feeling like I'm making excuses for him, like I have with so many others who've taken me for granted. I waited for over five years for my first husband to change, and the wait was in vain.

Talk is cheap, and I only feel his absence when I reach out. So I'm tempted, and I think to myself how little it would matter for me to spend a night entangled with someone to feel something, someone, some connection to someone who actually wants to be in the room with me. To hear a heartbeat and have that intimacy. It's never ended well in the past, and I do recognize the danger.

But I'm still alone.

 

[MHealthJo]

Hey there Arboria. You have been through a lot in your recent life, and in all likelihood, probably in early life too. I am glad you have found the strength to survive and to talk.

It's very lonely and hard when nobody is there for you.

To be honest, I find it strange that there isn't something that exists in our culture like... a place you can go to talk deeply and also hug. Although, perhaps support groups or ACOA, CODA or similar would fit that description.

I guess in some places bartenders used to be a listening ear, or people would find someone else to talk to in bars. And yet sometimes those places may end in types of temptation that overall are not all that nourishing, or which some might say don't really offer anything and may cause more feelings of emptiness. (I don't really know.)

Perhaps in ancient times, a person would speak to the wise-woman or village elders and recieve guidance and/or comfort. I have seen documentaries showing how some still-existing tribal societies are so different from ours, in prioritising human needs being met.

Some would say that in earlier times, human communities were more nourishing or interconnected, family and extended family were more connected, people were less damaged and more nourishing to each other. Or, perhaps many people tried to fill needs using gods, goddesses, ancestor deities, superstitions....

Perhaps much depended on the style and quality of leadership and governance of each group. Just like our family wellbeing, stability, and our personal development and feelings of security and wellbeing depend much on this.

Please know that there are kind people that you can interact with and make connections with.
Talking about your life, feelings, and background with a caring therapist can be an invaluable tool for figuring out why and how we are getting into situations that do not fill our needs, with people that do not fill our needs.

Many needs also, can be served in the therapy relationship. Then the learning can be transferred.

Or whether or not that option is available to you at this time, please know that there are kind people here and in other supportive or learning groups, online and offline.

Please also keep in mind how valuable 'support lines', counseling lines etc, can be.... Searching noticeboards, community notices etc in your area may yield positive resources for you.

You have survived and there is strength within you.

You can build on that strength and become better and better at understanding what your needs really are, and finding ways of meeting them more fully...

Keep talking. *hugs*

 

[arboria]

Hello MHealthJo!

I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me. It's funny you should mention the elders/wise people in other cultures. I have recently reached out to a Buddhist meditation group and have been participating with them, when I'm not working, at least. I wanted to add a (community based) spiritual element to my life, other than doing things on my own, but when I was married, it was difficult to do so. Partly because of what I thought my husband's judgment would be, and partly because we lived in a small town at the time, and I didn't have a driver's license to drive myself over an hour to go (it was a Unitarian Church in that area). I knew my husband wouldn't drive me two hours and wait for one in the car for that.

I have a license now and don't have that fear, so that's something. I love the meditation group. I've also started attending a mood disorder support group and signed up for a series of groups through a local mental health clinic. I'm hoping that attending these regularly will help.

I think what I find hardest is the distance between myself and the people who know what really happened to me a couple of years ago. Like I mentioned, it's unique, and not easily explained. In trying to relate it now, it feels sortof like some black ops military mission happened, and none of us are allowed to talk about it because it's classified. Now I live with it alone, and none of those people can talk to me, whether or not they're struggling with something similar. (Just trying to describe how it feels- this is not actually the case). I'm floundering and need that sense of community and support and to live honestly and authentically after such a life-altering event.

I'm grateful for what I do have. I've made progress. I can actually work again, which wasn't easy to accomplish. I'm going to these groups and starting to make friends at work. But none of them know, and I still feel like I'm living the double life of my past. I need to figure out how now to feel that way.