- Feb 11, 2006
I tried reading some of the other posts but can't really go there right now mentally. My question is how do you direct anger where it belongs-towards the abusers as opposted to towards myself? I can think yeah, what they did was soooo wrong, but I can't get beyond hating myself for it at times. I'm am getting better in that I use to blame myself for now killing myself to prevent it from happening-that was very hard to get beyond, but all that anger and rage is still directed in so many ways towards myself. I know its not rational but its the way I FEEL. Just a summary, it appears my mother had sadistic personality disorder and who knows what else, but she got off on hurting me. I was given to men as far back as I can remember to make them happy, between 9-10 years old I was molested and really messed up by my 1/2 brother-my mother was involved. By 11 my mother left, by 12 the police removed me from my father for beating me up to much. I tried to kill myself to avoid testifiying against him-it didn't work but they couldn't make me talk. I ended up in receiving homes, and group homes. By 13 I was hanging out in the 'bad part of town' if you will sleeping around-I just wanted someone to know I was alive-if only for a few moments. On my 16th birthday I was raped by the only adult I thought was different and who I trusted. The Group home staff had a meeting which I wasn't even invited to and agreed I must of wanted it or I wouldn't have met him. I left after that and lived on the streets-doing what most kids do on the street to stay alive. Both my parents are dead-I feel nothing towards them. My mother died when I was 13 but when I got the call informing me of this it had about the same meaning as if some stranger had just died. My father died when I was 18, I got the call from the hospital and went there to watch him die. It's pretty sad to think the only person he could list as a contact is the kid he ended up in jail for beating up so much. You would think with all this I would be mad. I am mad-but all that anger is directed towards myself even when I now know this is not right. Is this normal? I don't get the impression from my doctor that it is but its the way I FEEL. How can I change it? I don't like feeling this way but don't know how to change it.