• Quote of the Day
    "Our job in this lifetime is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we imagine we ought to be,
    but to find out who we already are and become it."
    Steven Pressfield, posted by David Baxter

Daniel

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“Families in the past fought over tangible resources—land, inheritances, family property. They still do, but all this is aggravated and intensified by a mindset that does seem to be distinctive to our time. Our conflicts are often psychological rather than material—and therefore even harder to resolve.”

~ The historian Steven Mintz, the author of Huck’s Raft: A History of American Childhood
 
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Daniel

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“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”

"Introducing uncertainty sometimes requires nothing more than letting go of the illusion of certitude. In this shift of perception, we recognize the inherent mystery of our partner."

Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic
 
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Daniel

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Daniel

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"Data so far clearly show that a person's suicide risk is lower if he/she is in a relationship. However, the recent study suggests that the level of satisfaction with the relationship is also important"...

Among middle-aged people, those who are unhappy but in an ongoing relationship — one where there are unresolved conflicts — are the most at risk for suicide.

In fact, the study said those in unhappy relationships become more suicidal or depressed if there are an extensive amount of unresolved conflicts in the relationship, like problems with a partner’s temperament, communication, bad habits, sexuality and housework...

A 2013 study out of the University of Ulster in Northern Ireland found that four out of five people who committed suicide in that area of the world had relationship issues before they died. The study said that 78 percent of those who died by suicide had a breakup or were going through relationship issues before their death.
 

Daniel

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Avoid these two words: “let’s talk.”​

It seems like the most natural way to start a conversation. But when we say “Let’s talk” to our teenagers, alarm bells go off in their brains and the shutters come down, making it pretty much impossible for a meaningful conversation to happen. Instead, hang around them in a non-demanding or -threatening way before saying anything. At times, I’ll take a book and just plunk myself on a chair in my daughter’s room. Invariably, she’s the one who starts a conversation. Look for your chat window — it might be while you’re driving them to their friend’s home, working in the kitchen or brushing the dog.
 

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When most of our interactions are through social media, we are taking tiny hits of dopamine rather than the huge shots of oxytocin that an intimate in-person relationship would provide.
 

Daniel

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“Don't live life like an apology. Be yourself unapologetically.”

“When we let go of our reactions and detach from other people's moods, actions, and words, we take back our power. Instead of reactors, we become self-determined actors in our lives. We take charge of ourselves and decide how we act in that moment and every moment, skyrocketing our self-esteem.”

― Darlene Lancer, author of Codependency for Dummies
 

Daniel

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Mindreading and avoidance are not effective tools to deal with marital issues and problems.

When it comes to mind reading and conflict avoidance, nobody does it better than people who were raised in emotionally neglectful families. Having missed the opportunity to observe emotionally healthy arguing between their parents or to participate in resolving family issues in a direct and emotionally aware way, these individuals typically rely on the primary skill available to them: avoid conflict altogether.
 
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