Relationships: Role of your relationships with your parents

[David Baxter PhD]

How Is Your Relationship With Your Mum Effecting Your Relationships? | Two Chairs Counselling
Oct 15, 2010

I?m going to be sharing with you how your relationship with your mother effects your relationship. I touched on how your relationship with your dad effects your relationship and your relationship with your mother?and perhaps more importantly the type of mother she is, is probably even more important.

There are, roughly, six broad types of mothering that can cause sticking points for you in your present relationship, so let?s dive and take a look:

The Martyr Mother
Whatever the reason for the sacrifice, Martyr Mothers won?t let you forget it. Guilt is used as a powerful weapon. Chances are you ended up feeling responsible, or even to blame, for this. You probably jump quickly into the role of peacemaker.

How is this impacting you today? Your experiences of close relationships have been draining and claustrophobic. It?s not surprising that you are wary of being trapped and find commitment difficult. You either have a tough, independent streak that stops people from getting too close and it?s likely that you?ve had a series of short lived relationships that never really got off the ground.

The Critical Mother
Wanting the best for their children and wanting them to succeed is natural but it can be a fine line between this?and criticism. If your mother?s style seems similar to this, it?s possible that you?ll feel you can never truly please her.

How is this impacting you today? You either keep finding fault with your man, dumping him and hoping that the next one will be perfect. Or, it?s possible that you have become hyper-sensitive to anything that sounds remotely critical, flying off the handle at the slightest thing. Anyone ever told you you?re high-maintenance? This might be what?s happening for you.

The Perfect Mother
For this mum, ?good? is never enough. They have to be super-mum. She holds down a demanding job, runs the house, bakes, is on the PTA and helps out behind the scenes at the school play.

How is this effecting you today? What your mum showed you was what was possible, chances are you?re pretty super yourself?which is a good thing! However, it can leave you attracting the sort of men who you believe need their problems sorting out. Although flattering, this can leave you feeling like you?re in a relationship with a man-boy. Not a great foundation for a successful long-term relationship. It?s possible you behave like everyone?s mother and if that?s you, it?s time to step back and let the people in your life take responsibility for themselves.

The Controlling Mother
This is another example of how great mothering can tip over into treacherous territory. It?s a little leap from looking out for your kids and smothering; these ?take-over? mothers can struggle to see the difference. Maybe she was always ready to fight your battles at school, or ?have a talk? with the mother of another child.

How is this effecting you now? Apart from your mum probably having strong opinions about your choice of man, it?s likely that your biggest fear is being swallowed up and losing control. You?ll find yourself being drawn to people who are unavailable in some way ? maybe they live on the other side of the country?or the world. Married or committed men or men who are wedded to their work.

The Secrets Mother
If there?s a family secret to keep hidden, it?s possible your mum expended a lot of energy keeping up appearances. Maybe a drinking problem?family debts?a philandering husband. The issue is kept hidden from the children as much as possible. Whatever it is, there?s the knowledge that ?we?re different?.

How is effecting your relationship now? For you, the risk is that you?re fearful of getting hurt and in order to defend yourself against this, you?ll keep men at arms length. You can also feel responsible for managing everyone?s behaviour. And this is not only impossible but sets you up for getting stuck in a cycle of low-self esteem.

The Racy Mother
Ever seen a mum trying to compete with her daughter? This is what I?m talking about here. Recently, I watched a show about glamour model Alicia Duvall and her daughter. Revelations of Alicia?s secret sexual trysts with a married footballer were splashed all over the tabloids?and scattered all over their home for her daughter to see. Needless to say, my jaw dropped.

How is this type of mother effecting your relationship now? If your mother was in competition with you, or even setting herself up as your love rival, it?s likely you?re at one of two extremes. Either you have thrown yourself into relationships and committed too quickly, often to unsuitable men. Or you frequently hold back to the point that men imagine you to be icy cold.

And you know what? If any of these have resonated with you, it?s OK. You?re in excellent company. No one taught your mother how to do it better, so blame and resentment is not the way forward. Although it feels natural. Truly, forgiveness is the key to moving forward with your relationships in the present.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Resolve Relationship issues now by looking backwards | Two Chairs Counselling
October 8, 2010

You watched how your parents negotiated, argued, avoided confrontation, tackled it head on?and it became your blueprint for relationships and how to handle conflict.

But, it?s not just the relationship between your parents that has shaped your personality, it?s also (and more importantly) your relationship with both your mother and father that has shaped you.

The relationship we have with our dads is really significant for us daughters because he is, literally, the first man in our lives. There are 6 broad types of ?Dad? and while most will use a couple of parenting styles, they?ll have a core style. Let?s take a look:

The Doting Dad
This sounds ideal, right? Surely everyone wants a relationship with their dad where he does on us. And, there?s no arguing that you?ll grow up with a good deal more self-confidence if you?re adored by dad. But there is a point where this doting relationship turns into being spoiled.

How is this impacting you today? It?s hard to truly grow up if your doting dad is always ready to ride to your rescue. It?s also possible, in fact, highly likely that you?ll have something of a fairy tale fantasy when it comes to men ? expecting to be treated like a princess, or perhaps your life is hold while you wait to be rescued by prince charming.

The thing is, if you behave like a child, your boyfriend will automatically slot into the parent role. Not sexy. So if you know that you resort to child-like ways of responding in your relationship; sulking, throwing tantrums or nagging then stop. Ask yourself ? what would an adult do?

The Dangerous Dad
This is the opposite to the doting dad. This dad is still quite child-like himself. They might seem glamorous and exciting but they often have a darker side: serial philandering, several ex-wives, maybe a hidden love child. Others are dangerous because of drinking ? they?ll have a Jackal and Hide style to their personalities. One thing is for sure, they are great at creating drama.

This dad may be great at being the centre of attention ? at family gatherings, when your mates come round and it?s possible that this is fueled by too much booze.

How is this impacting your relationships today? Do you have a pattern of dating unpredictable men?? Do you love, love, love the challenge of the bad boy? Going after these guys undermines your confidence in your judgment. It?s got you frightened to make a commitment because experience has taught you that relationships are dangerous.

The Dictatorial Dad
This dad is the head of the household. He?s strict and quite the taskmaster. Work comes before play and bedtimes, chores and homework can easily become hot button issues. It?s not surprising that children of dictatorial dads grow up to be rebels. A strict dad wants the best for his children, but this form of tough love can come across as being deeply critical.

How is this impacting your relationships today? The long term effect tends to be that your relationships are charaterised by power struggles. Perhaps you?re a perfectionist yourself and so no one meets those high-standards. Alternatively, you?re frightened of being controlled in your relationship so you keep people at arm?s length.

Next time you?re faced with a decision ask yourself these 3 questions ? First, what would my dad want me to do? Second, what would I do if I was rebelling (because just doing the opposite is not freedom either). Finally, ask yourself what you really want to do.

The Distant Dad
This dad might be emotionally distant, physically distant or both. Maybe he was around but always in the shed, out gardening, behind the newspaper, in his study. Maybe business kept him away from home for long stretches of time. Either way, this dad kept his emotions to himself and seems like an enigma to his children.

How is this impacting your relationships today? Daughters of distant dads are often drawn to men who either find it hard to commit or to men who keep their feelings to themselves. Although as an adult you might understand why your dad was distant, as a child it will have felt deeply personal, and this can leave you worried that nobody will ever truly love you.

The Destructive Dad
At the most extreme end of the spectrum, these dads might have outright abandoned their children. In the middle of the spectrum, they are not aware of how their comments can come across as thoughtless and damaging to your self-esteem.Off the cuff remarks about eating dessert, for instance.

I remember my dad jokingly called me a ?blonde bimbo? on one occasion when I was 14 ? a tender age for self-confidence and self-esteem. I was furious. I began pushing myself to read literature that I found completely impenetrable just to prove a point! But if your dad regularly made bumbling remarks like these, it can be crushing.

What?s the relationship impact today? You?re likely choosing unavailable men (like married ones) who will end up abandoning you?reconfirming your lack of self-worth. Experience has taught you that those closest to you are most likely to hurt you, leaving you with a toxic combination of fear of commitment and low self-esteem.

If any of these have resonated with you, it?s OK. You?re in excellent company. You know what?no one taught your parents how to do it better, so blame and resentment is not the way forward. Although it feels natural. Truly, forgiveness is the key to moving forward with your relationships in the present.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

How to Unpack Your Relationship Baggage | Two Chairs Counselling
April 29, 2010

First of all let?s look at how some of our emotional baggage gets unpacked unwittingly in relationships ? in other words, how it gets flung out of the suitcase! Often what happens in this situation is something called projective identification. Sounds complicated but stay with me.
It?s a defense mechanism that can cause a lot of problems in relationships and it goes a little something like this: you have a painful experience of a relationship (either with a parent or a former partner), it leaves you with painful feelings and emotions that are difficult to experience or stay with, so instead of processing it, you ignore it. It gets locked away in a secret place ready to cause mayhem later on.

Then, joy of joys! you meet someone new but bit by bit you begin falsly believing that they have the same traits as the previous person in your life who hurt you. Those unprocessed feelings and emotions from the past get projected onto the new person in your life. You begin relating to them in ways that alter your new partner?s behaviour and then, guess what, it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

How does that work? Let?s look at some examples:

• The paranoid person who behaves in a sneaky, suspicious way so that the people around him do start watching his every move.
• The girlfriend who behaves in unpredicatable ways that makes her boyfriends frustrated and angry to the point where she thinks all men are angry.
• The person who behaves as if all the people around her are needy and helpless by jumping in to do everything until no-one can do anything without her.

Projective identification is one of the reasons we?re attracted to certain types of people. A lot of the clients that come to work with me have realised this, they?ve realised that they are the common denominator in all the relationships they?ve had that haven?t worked out.

Projective identification is a very subtle, mostly unconscious process. But here are some questions or things to look at that can help you identifiy it for yourself:

1. Make a list of all the adjectives you can think of that describe your current partner. Then really scrutinize it.
2. Do any of those adjectives ALSO describe someone from your past? Try and be as honest with yourself as you can
3. Question again whether those adjectives really do describe your current partner
4. How did you feel at the beginning of the relationship?
5. What were your first impressions of your partner and to what extent have they changed over time?
6. How much of what you saw initially was true and how much of it was you making assumptions, fanatsizing about the perfect relationship or seeing only what you wanted to see?
7. Is your partner ?just like? someone else from you past ? your mother, father, your first long term boyfriend??
8. Look again at that list of adjectives and ask how many of them really describe you, or ways you wish you were, or ways you are uncomfortable being.

It?s not an easy task to do?allow yourself plenty of time, making sure you won?t be disturbed. Above all, remember to be compassionate with yourself while your doing this. It?s an exploration into understanding yourself better, it?s definitely not something to beat yourself up about or judge yourself over.