Seeking Healing Literature

[Strugglebus]

Hi All,

I'm very new to this forum so sorry if I'm sounding redundant to other information that might be elsewhere. I've tried going to counselors but haven't found the right one so I'm trying a new approach. I am looking for literature or books of any kind that can help make sense of the experiences I had when growing up. A little about my situation, I am 24 and only in this past year I cut off my 'dad' he's the typical misogynistic manipulator. He was physically abusive to my mother as well as emotionally abusive to her and my siblings. They split when I was around 8 and for a long time I kept in touch because I thought he did the things he did because he was sick (he has substance abuse issues and possibly a mental disorder or two). My mother had a few emotionally exhausting relationships after as well. As you can imagine its a subject that my immediate family would rather avoid because its humiliating and just too painful to go there.

I'd greatly appreciate any direction for reading.

Best Wishes!

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks, Strugglebus. Thank you for joining us.

Was the severing of your relationship with your Father difficult, painful, dramatic.....how did that go?

Are you maintaining a relationship with your Mother and your siblings.....and how is that going if yes?

help make sense of the experiences I had when growing up

Are you looking for insights into what might have motivated your Father into committing the acts of brutality and abuse or are you looking for insights into your own lingering feelings and unresolved issues? If unresolved issues, are they with your Father, your Mother, your siblings or yourself?

Your feedback should assist in better understanding your needs and hopefully can help to point you in the right direction for the insights you're looking for.

 

[forgetmenot]

Just want to say hi to you and also welcome you to Psychlinks

 

[Strugglebus]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your reply. Severing the relationship with my father was a relief in so many ways! I'd wanted to do it for years but felt that I couldn't because of my four younger siblings. He has tried to act through other family members by having them reach out to me but hasn't done so himself. He did get remarried and has two other younger children 7 & 10 and won't allow me to have a relationship with them but I had a very strong feeling that would happen. One thing I didn't mention before is that he is my adopted father which I didn't find out officially until I was 16. In my opinion he has always been a bit more nasty to me compared to the the two siblings he had with my mother who are 19 & 20. These two siblings have a very strained relationship with my dad. I am close with these two siblings but I feel terrible that he puts them in the middle. My mother and I have a good relationship but in many ways I think I am resentful which isn't fair to her.

I am not really interested in the motivations of my Dad more so in my lingering feelings. For a very long time I've just felt a very heavy weight over me because of these past experiences and been very angry. Its never been really acknowledged that I need help. My mom seems to get a lot of credit for getting out of the situation (as if the trouble stops there). At times I'm always thinking worst case scenario or just on high alert and really paranoid.

I'm very early on in confronting these issues and just want to get a starting point. I hope this maybe explains my situation more.

 

[MHealthJo]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry for all you have been through.

I'll definitely make a few reading recommendations in a moment, but first just wanted to make sure you have a good understanding of the different options that are available to you....

You mentioned you have tried counselling - I'm not sure where you are in the world, but one thing to be aware of is that in some places 'counsellors' are not a regulated profession - there is not exactly a set 'requirement' of education, background, or service standards for this term.

It is unmatchable, the help and support and correct direction you can be given, if you at some time are able to find a good therapist - that is, a clinical psychologist, who you feel a good rapport with. When the time is right, I do encourage you to look for someone who is a clinical psychologist...

Perhaps tell the office staff that you are needing to navigate your own healing from a background where there has been a misogynistic manipulator, substance abuse problems, family members being played against each other, and you are going through a lot of anxiety and confusion. Perhaps ask whether there is a clinical psychologist in the practice who has good experience and a high level of understanding and support for someone trying to heal and navigate residual problems from these kind of situations. Perhaps make a few calls and see if you get a positive and understanding 'vibe' from someone .... There is also a section in this forum with advice for choosing a therapist.

In the meantime, the resources I can think of to start with, might be Harriet Lerner's "The Dance of Intimacy" - excellent for learning about boundaries and how to look after yourself... Another one I can suggest might be "Life Code" by Dr Phil McGraw. Watching his television show can help you learn a great deal and get a good perspective on things, too - especially over time as you learn more and more about various situations - or, there are resources on the website.

It is not the closest field to what I have read the most, so I'm sorry that I don't have more suggestions for you. I wonder if perhaps some sort of 'adult children of alcoholics / addicts / trauma / emotional abusers / narcissists' group or website might be able to point you to some resources that helped them to stay safe from bad situations, bad people, and look after themselves, and where to draw those lines and figure out where to stand in various situations..... Even if you are not dealing directly with one of these types of people anymore and the problems from that, the experienced people there might know a lot about the ins and outs of the other issues that surround these dysfunctional family situations.... and might have some directions to possibly point you in.... The term 'dysfunctional family recovery' might be a term you could use to find things, too...

Wish you the very best and hope that you find some good resources... Also, feel free to chat some more here and as we get to know you a little better and what you are experiencing, we might be able to think of more resources as they apply to various situations, or where in this forum to direct you to.