Should I end a 7 year relationship?

[marieduard]

Hi all

I need some urgent help!

I've been in a relationship with a guy for the past 7 years. He's handsome, gentle, humble, very nice and all. A very good catch.

At first, we used to have intercourse very often... However, after the first 3 years or so, I started not wanting to make love to him. I wasn't sure why. Was I not getting enough pleasure? We did it anywhere (backseat... wherever), and sometimes we got caugh.. did I get afraid of being caught? Another time my period was delayed and I was afraid I was pregant.. could it be it? I got scared and did not want it anymore?

Of course this was a terrible thing between us. When he approached, I stopped him... He became very sad, naturally. Eventually, he got used to the situation... nevertheless, he always tried to make love to me. Once in a while, he'd get really mad at me, saying he couldn't take it anymore. Is it possible for two people to love one another and not to have sex? Really?

I thought so for while...

I suffer from borderline personality disorder (or so the doctor diagnosed...), and a couple of years ago I had a major breakdown. My boyfriend didn't know about it, I tried to tell him about my issues, but he didn't quite listen.

I was very vulnerable and a co-worker got closer to me.. He became a close friend and, eventually, fell in love with me. I was astounded! I was not looking for that kind of relationship with him.. He was even married and 10 years older than me! I was shocked... but, stil.... it happened. We kissed and we had a little kind of affair. I never thought I would cheat on my boyfriend, I believe in loyalty.. it just happened. I was very suicidal and depressed and I guess I needed someone to stand by me...

Eitherway, I never told my boyfriend about this. Should I?

Our relationship moved on (and I stopped dating the co-worker)... We were stable once again.. but, no sex. About a year and a half ago, he went to work abroad.. So now we only see each other a few days about every 3 months.. less chances of sex. However it happened about once or twice per year in average.. last time was past october.

A few months ago another co-worker and I got really fond of each other.. He began thinking of me in a certain way, but he was in a relationship too. He was even living together with his girlfriend for 3 years. One day, we had a moment of affection and that really changed us... He broke up with his girlfriend, because he said he had felt with me something much stronger than he ever did. I was commited not to have another affair... I couldn't let that happen! Not again! Yet... we kissed! But this time, I fell in love with him, trully... I love him. Yes, we made love. Lots of times. I almost thought I didn't like sex anymore.. but with this guy... I had feelings I never had before.

Now he is in pain. My boyfriend is here and the other guy doesn't like (obviously) being the other. He's suffering a lot, because he doesn't believe I'll ever leave my current relationship inspite all of our feelings...

What shall I do? We've been a couple for 7 years.. Should I release him too so he may have a "normal with-sex" relationship? If I don't want to make love to him, what does it mean? Isn't he a man like any other, like my other guy? Why do I reject him when I tries to touch me? My other guy is even bald and phisically less fit (yeah... a bit fat), while by bf has blue eyes and is thin and athletic.. So, technically he sould be more attractive to me!

Should I break up with him? Would it be fear to continue this.. I don't deserve him anymore, I cheated him twice and made love to another man!

Also, how could I have lived with my consciousness doing this?! How could I have betrayed someone's trust and live with it? Should I tell my bf everything or should I save him the pain? Should I save our relationship or should I release us both?

I really care about by b/f and want him to be happy. I love him. Is it possible to love two guys at once? Or is not wanting sex with my bf a sign I don't truly love him?

Help me please...

 

[Daniel E.]

Is it possible to love two guys at once?

Ironically, that feeling sometimes means that one does not really love either guy.

About a year and a half ago, he went to work abroad.. So now we only see each other a few days about every 3 months.. less chances of sex. However it happened about once or twice per year in average.. last time was past october...

Since you see each other so infrequently, I wonder if he is having sex on the side, too. Such lack of physical proximity would put a strain on any relationship.

Should I save our relationship or should I release us both?

When does he plan on returning to live with you? I don't see much hope if the relationship will continue to be primarily a long-distance relationship for very long.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure there's much hope now, really.

I get the impression that if you could think of a way to get out of your relationship without hurting him and be with the other man you would do it now.

Whatever the reasons, you are not physically attracted to him. You don't seem to be emotionally connected either. You have already been involved with two other men.

The end of this story is pretty clear. You're not doing your current boyfriend any favors by remaining with him when that's not where you want to be. And you're certainly not happy yourself.

What point is there in continuing the charade?

 

[marieduard]

Hi, thank you both for the replies!

Since you see each other so infrequently, I wonder if he is having sex on the side, too.

When does he plan on returning to live with you? I don't see much hope if the relationship will continue to be primarily a long-distance relationship for very long.

I have a friend who has the same opinion. He keeps saying that my bf is probably doing the same thing, but I strongly disagree. If it was so, I believe he'd have ended this relationship already.

About plans for the future, he keeps asking me what I want.. But, I have no idea! He'd like me to move to his place abroad (one more reason I think he's not having relations with others) and to work there like him... If I truly loved him I wouldn't have a doubt would I? I would probably leave evertyhing and just go...

I get the impression that if you could think of a way to get out of your relationship without hurting him and be with the other man you would do it now.

You could be right. This is the only boyfriend I've ever had. I had other relationships but none serious enough for me to call them "boyfriend". Therefore, I've never been to a breakup situation before.. I love him and I don't want to hurt him, we've been together for so long. Perhaps I just love him as a friend, but.. would it be possible that he'd want us to remain friends and accept all this peacefully?

I'd appreciate further opinions. Thanks!!

 

[Jazzey]

I love him and I don't want to hurt him, we've been together for so long. Perhaps I just love him as a friend, but.. would it be possible that he'd want us to remain friends and accept all this peacefully?

I'd appreciate further opinions. Thanks!!

Either way, he's going to be hurt. Now you have to do what's right to the both of you. From your post, I tend to agree with Dr. Baxter. I personally think this relationship has been over for quite some time but, you've procrastinated about ending it. Maybe because you're afraid of not having him in your life anymore?

As for the breakup being peaceful - remember that he'll initially be very hurt, maybe even angry initially. But eventually,I think those emotions subside and you can become friends again.

Just my 2 cents on this.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

eventually,I think those emotions subside and you can become friends again.

Perhaps. Or perhaps not ever. But even if not, that's not a reason to stay in a relationship if you don't want to be there.

 

[Mashka]

ask yourself if your happy and then decide from there. thats what it comes down to