Should I tell my husband that his grief counselor died?

[Sonya]

My husband had several losses in his family - both his parents, his niece, his brother, and a good friend all died within the past two years. Naturally, he was very depressed and sad.

I asked him if he would consider grief counseling. To my amazement, he said "yes", so I made him an appointment with a very reputable and highly-recommended grief counselor.

He has had six sessions so far and has made a lot of progress. I really didn't expect him to go back after the first appointment because he was reluctant when I first asked him, but now I see that he looks forward to going.

I read in the newspaper that his grief counselor passed away two days ago. I hid the newspaper. Thankfully, my husband isn't one to read the newspaper everyday, so he didn't ask about it.

I cannot tell him this happened. I don't want to lie, but I think I will tell him that his doctor moved or was too expensive or something. I can then find him another counselor.

Am I wrong to do this? I just don't think he can take another loss and he really, really liked this counselor.

 

[rdw]

You said that your husband has made great progress with this counselor so he may be able to handle this unfortunate loss. Have you called the counselor's office? They may have someone in place to take over the caseload or be able to offer recommendations regarding a new counselor. The truth is still the truth - the counselor has passed away. It is likely better to tell the truth rather than risk creating trust issues in your relationship.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think also telling him the truth is necessary I think hiding the fact from him may do more harm as there was no closure yet with his councillor. Lets hope the sessions he did take will help him deal with this loss. A new councillor will also help your husband continue to heal and to deal with yet another loss Be honest ok he will want to know.

 

[Retired]

As has been said, the first step would be to contact the late grief counselor's office to inquire about who might be taking over his/her clients.

If you cannot make that contact, you may have to start over to find someone new.

The overriding concern is that you be straightforward and honest with your husband, for if husband and wife cannot be honest with one another, then I believe there is potential for weakening of the relationship.

The question begs to be asked, "How long do you think you can hide this information from him, and what does he gain by learning about it from a newspaper report, talk on the street or some other unexpected way?"

As his wife you would know how and when to approach him in the most caring and supportive way, to be there for him, to console him and to give him the immediate support he might (or might not) need when the fact is revealed.

He has had six sessions, and may have already learned strategies to deal with unpleasant news, and although he may have difficulty, you can point him to what he has already learned.

He should be reinforced by telling him his life has been bettered and blessed by the valuable yet brief encounter with this person, and although he is sad for the loss,the memory and the gift of strength he received from this counselor will live with him forever.

If your husband has medications he might be taking for anxiety or sedation, have them handy, so he can take what his doctor has prescribed for a stressful event such as this.

If there are close friends or family familiar with your husband's circumstances, you may want to ask them to be available to help in providing support.

Assure your husband that you and he together can deal with any adversity, and that you will be there for him, and that you will work with him to find another grief counselor to carry on his therapy, if that's what he wants.

Bottom line: The truth should never be hidden between husband and wife, in my opinion.

 

[Sonya]

Dear Steve,

I haven't called the counselor's office, but plan to do so first thing Monday morning. I just don't know if I have the strength to be there for my husband if he takes it hard.

I'm wondering if I should try to make an appointment with another counselor and we could both go, and I could ask the counselor beforehand to tell him what happened. Is this taking the easy way out?

 

[Retired]

I just don't know if I have the strength to be there for my husband if he takes it hard.

....... make an appointment with another counselor and we could both go, and I could ask the counselor beforehand to tell him

To accomplish such a scenario would require deception on your part. If you were planning a surprise birthday party, that kind of deception might be OK, but for a serious and profound emotional situation, in my view is inappropriate and undermines the unconditional intimate trust between you and your husband.

Do you have difficulty communicating with your husband in other matters?

Do you commonly withhold information from one another on matters such as financial issues, family concerns, matters of intimacy?

Why is it difficult for you to set up a quiet and relaxed atmosphere at home, where you can say something like, " We need to discuss something important that I know might make you sad, but know that I am here to help you through this and we will find a way to deal with this together. I learned that your good friend XYZ (unexpectedly...if appropriate) passed away last week. I will help you by making some inquiries, to locate another counselor who might see you and maybe we could go together."

I wonder if there is also the possibility this person might have been ill for a long time, and your husband was aware of the ill health and his/her passing won't come as a surprise.

In any case, the longer you delay, the more complicated things become, requiring explanations as to why you took so long to say something.

This is not the kind of news that should be delayed. He has a right to know the truth, the sooner the better.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yes it is taking the easy way out but that's not the biggest problem - having a stranger spring this on your husband in a "public" setting would be unfair and insensitive. Additionally, hiding this information from him may do irreparable damage to the trust in your relationship. Neither you nor your husband need to add another major stressor to your marriage at this time.

Call the office by all means to find out if someone else is taking over the practice. But don't make an appointment with someone else without first disclosing what happened and allowing your husband to have some input on whether he feels ready to see someone else or whether he feels he needs someone else.

 

[Sonya]

Thanks to you all for your kind advice.

I had a talk in private with my husband and he didn't take it nearly as hard as I thought he would. He was just as shocked as I because his therapist wasn't that old and seemed to be in good health. My husband said that he had never mentioned being ill to him. Maybe he knew but didn't want to share that with his patients, which is understandable. It could have just been a sudden thing. I didn't ask when I called his office.

I asked my husband about finding another therapist but he said he wanted to wait a little while.

Shortly after that, he had to be hospitalized because his diabetes and blood pressure skyrocketed. I don't think it had anything to do with the news about his therapist, though.

He had not been following his medical doctor's orders and his glucose level was 838. His doctor told him that he had known of only two others with levels that high - one was in a coma and the other died.

He is doing much better now and has started exercising everyday and eating the proper foods.

I think losing yet another person may have helped him to understand that he needs to take better care of himself. Especially since his therapist was only a few years older than he is.

In a way, his therapist is helping him still. He now realizes that he can't take life for granted and he has to take care of himself.

Sonya

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks for the update hun I am glad your husband is learning to take better care of himself I am glad it was you who told him about his therapist hugs