Sick and scared

[Miette]

After watching that Stephen Fry documentary, I had a lot to think about. I really hide my symptoms from others and myself, so that even I can think that I don't have a problem. I'm on medication, so I want desperately to believe that my medication will stop the cycling, so I'm dishonest with myself about the symptoms. I can't do this anymore.

My parents are moving, so they asked me to clear out all my old books. I came across some of my old teenage diaries, and they were like a punch in the stomach. I describe my parents being angry at me because I'm always "too happy," "so happy I'm annoying them" or "too depressed." I get especially mad when they say I'm too happy because, as I put it "do they want me to be f*cking depressed like I was last month?"

There is reckless behaviour... skipping school to mess around with my (adult) boyfriend, breaking up with him, pursuing other men relentlessly. Lucky for me, I was often unsuccessful I'm still trying to have a sense of humour about this.

I hadn't forgotten I had done these things, I had just never seen them in this way, as a symptom of this crap-tacular illness.

I was so high the past three weeks... drawing and painting and working and running and cooking and I just never needed to stop or really even sleep, although I'm scared enough from times past that I did make myself sleep a few hours each night. I was thinking, yay! The lithium works! I feel amazing! It pains me to think that this means it probably wasn't working.

Anyways, now I feel like I'm swinging downwards and the contrast frightens me so much. I woke up this morning and my husband told me I forgot to put the dinners I made last night in the refrigerator and says he put them away for me. And right away the thoughts kick in "Oh, I'm such an idiot... a moron.. f***ing loser... I should just die." I went back to bed and stayed there. I probably would have stayed all day, but I'm really really trying to fight this, to have some sort of control, so I made myself get up at 10 am and headed to school, of course awfully late. It is such a stark contrast to the last few weeks. I want to have control over these feelings, and I think it's my fault... like if I just pushed the negative thoughts out of my head I could go on feeling happy forever.

Sorry for blabbing on. I just felt like getting that out and hope maybe someone knows what I mean.

 

[foghlaim]

I just felt like getting that out and hope maybe someone knows what I mean

i know what you mean, and i don't like what it means to me either.

How long are you on lithuim.. it could be that it hasn't kicked in yet, for some ppl it can take a while to reach the right level in your system and then act to help in controlling the extreme highs that you are describing,
some ppl might need to take antidepressants as well to help with the opp extreme, the really low low's . It might be worth your while to have a chat with your dr and let him know what's happening with you.

there's also a lot of info (on this forum) here, it's helping me with where i'm at the min.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said above, it's not easy looking back and seeing things, putting two and two together.

keep posting here and do talk to your dr as well.
maybe others here have other suggestions for you.

((hugs))

 

[ThatLady]

It's not your fault, miette. Please, don't allow yourself to think that way. It really isn't your fault. Bipolar illness is so very difficult to deal with, and finding the right medications can take time. It's frustrating, I know. Yet, with time, patience, good therapy and determination you can find your way through it.

If you've just come down off a high, you may well be falling into the valley. My daughter used to do the same thing. This is probably a good time to put a call in to your therapist and see about getting your medications adjusted. You may need a blood test to determine your lithium level, as well. Don't be afraid to reach out for help, miette. :hug:

 

[Miette]

Thank you both for replying so soon

foghlaim, it's been about two months on the lithium for me. I was taking wellbutrin before, but it tends to cause me to cycle rapidly, although I must admit, 450 mg of wellbutrin for even 1-2 days is enough to pull me right out of the depression, even if I classify it as -3, with severe potential to harm myself. The problem is, if I continue on this dose, I inevitably fall back into the depression. We were hoping that lithium wouldn't cause this.

ThatLady, you're right, I think it is time to get my blood levels checked again. They were okay two months ago, but at the lower end of the therapeutic range, which I believe is 0.6-1.5 mg/dl? I was at 0.64, which was okay, because it is maintenance treatment, but perhaps I need more now.

My awesome psychiatrist is seeing me tomorrow, which I am very grateful for. I have to tell him how I am a crappy historian (although I think he already knows that!). I think I was giving him an unclear picture of what was going on with me for the longest time because a) I refused to believe I was that sick since I am relatively functional and b) I just didn't know that some things were important enough to tell. Case in point-there have been times I've contemplated suicide, like sitting on my balcony deciding if I should jump, or writing a note because I am going to overdose... and I've never ever gone through with it. I've always talked myself out of it. Problem is... I had no idea that counted as anything more than vague suicidal thoughts-"ideations" if you will. But I had a plan and was ready to go. Gah, I can't believe I was in so much denial, that I even denied the fact that I wanted to end my life.

Man, it must be tough to be a psychiatrist. Holy cow, I can't believe my doctor is still helping me even though the history I give him to work with is so incomplete. I think he has excellent intuition.

Thanks for listening and thanks for the advice.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thinking of you and wishing you the very best. :hug:

 

[Halo]

Miette,

I too can relate to the part about giving an unclear picture to my psych. I will often allude to things without coming right out and saying what it is that I want to say whether it be about my past but more specifically about any suicidal thoughts or gestures that I have which is all because of my own fears. I often think and I am sure that I must be very challenging for him especially since I know that I am a difficult person to read at the best of times and don't normally wear my emotions on my sleeve but keep them tight to my chest. I do have to say that I think that I am getting a bit better with showing some emotions as I become more comfortable but I still withhold information out of fear which I know that I need to change.

Anyway, I really liked what you wrote here and feel the exact same way:

I can't believe my doctor is still helping me even though the history I give him to work with is so incomplete. I think he has excellent intuition.

Just wanted you to know that I can relate

Take care
:hug:

 

[Heather]

I can't add a great deal but please know that I am thinking of you and hoping that things become easier. It is so so hard, I know.

Heather...

 

[Miette]

Thanks again, everyone.
We are going to continue with the lithium and I will simply take an extra pill if I am feeling hypomanic. Sounds okay... we'll see how it works in practice.

 

[Halo]

Miette,

Good luck with adding in the extra med if needed and let us know how it works in practice

 

[Heather]

yeah best wishes with that, hope it all goes well and helps.

 

[foghlaim]

Glad to hear you were able to talk things over with your psychiatrist, I hope things settle some bit in your mind now.

 

[Miette]

Thanks so much again for all the replies. I'm very happy to report that I have not crashed as horribly as I have in the past, which makes me think that lithium is going to work for me long term. Ah well, one day at a time, right? I'm grateful that I feel well (except for this dang cold I have).

 

[Cat Dancer]

That is good, Miette, about not crashing as horribly. I think the "one day at a time" is a good motto.

I hope your cold goes away very soon.

 

[Miette]

Thanks, Janet
It has turned in to a throat infection, but hey, at least my mood is stable :lmao:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Ouch. That sounds painful. I hope you get better soon.