I come from a background where I was hit by my father quite often, and occassionally by my mother too. My father has major 'anger management' issues, and would always hit out of fury and rage, up till I was around 18 years old (before moving out of that house.). My mother did it more rarely, but I remember she once hit me with hairbrush and I had a bruise on my face for the next few days after.
Anyway, maybe because of that, I don't hit my kids. There were a few times that I did, and then the offending child would retort with a "you didn't even hurt me!" comment, or s/th similar... so it was never very effective anyway.
But my husband does sometimes smack. And although I can feel repulsed watching / hearing him, and I can't BEAR seeing him in a rage, smacking my son, I also can't help but notice that it does seem to work. I posted recently about temper tantrums we were having with my son, and one very noticeable thing was: he always tantrumed when I was alone with him, hardly ever though with my husband.
Which has led me to believe that instilling a sense of 'fear' in the child can actually be good for him. Of course children need loads and loads of love, but now I'm thinking that they also need some 'fear' too.
I always make sure my husband gives lots of kisses and cuddles to the poor sobbing child afterwards to make it up to him, and we also have conversations with the kids saying how "Daddy doesn't like smacking you, but sometimes when you do naughty things, Daddy has to smack you. You need to learn that . . . . is not allowed."
Another interesting point: at first I would always insist that my husband calm himself first, and only hit rationally and calmly. "Now I'm going to smack you, son, because you threw the orange on the ceiling, and now there are stains all over the ceiling and the wall, and you need to learn not to do that." He did that for a while, but he said that it wasn't as effective that way, and when the child sees that he's angry about something it makes much more of an impression. When he'd smack the way I told him to, my son wouldn't be as fearful, and he'd be quicker to go and do the same thing again. But when he just smacked 'naturally', it was far more effective.
Judging from my son, his behaviour has really improved, and he loves his Daddy as much as (if not more than) he ever did. I also sense he respects him more too.
When I watch my husband hitting my son I can sometimes feel really ill... all these thoughts and feelings come flooding over me, reminding me of my own father hitting me and my brother.. and it's just horrible to see a grown man hurting a poor defenceless child, a third of his size... Yet I'm forced now to try to ignore my own childhood feelings and come to the reality of the situation, which is, that smacking only helps with managing his behaviour. I try and think of the differences between my father hitting me, and my husband hitting my son, and it is a very different situation.
My father would never say that he doesn't like hitting, and we never had any 'close' type of talks like that at all. He would never say things like "I'm sorry I had to smack you but..." and he'd never give cuddles and kisses. Things were how they were and they were never talked about, just accepted. But it's different with my son, and that thought helps me to bear the smacking.
Anyway, maybe because of that, I don't hit my kids. There were a few times that I did, and then the offending child would retort with a "you didn't even hurt me!" comment, or s/th similar... so it was never very effective anyway.
But my husband does sometimes smack. And although I can feel repulsed watching / hearing him, and I can't BEAR seeing him in a rage, smacking my son, I also can't help but notice that it does seem to work. I posted recently about temper tantrums we were having with my son, and one very noticeable thing was: he always tantrumed when I was alone with him, hardly ever though with my husband.
Which has led me to believe that instilling a sense of 'fear' in the child can actually be good for him. Of course children need loads and loads of love, but now I'm thinking that they also need some 'fear' too.
I always make sure my husband gives lots of kisses and cuddles to the poor sobbing child afterwards to make it up to him, and we also have conversations with the kids saying how "Daddy doesn't like smacking you, but sometimes when you do naughty things, Daddy has to smack you. You need to learn that . . . . is not allowed."
Another interesting point: at first I would always insist that my husband calm himself first, and only hit rationally and calmly. "Now I'm going to smack you, son, because you threw the orange on the ceiling, and now there are stains all over the ceiling and the wall, and you need to learn not to do that." He did that for a while, but he said that it wasn't as effective that way, and when the child sees that he's angry about something it makes much more of an impression. When he'd smack the way I told him to, my son wouldn't be as fearful, and he'd be quicker to go and do the same thing again. But when he just smacked 'naturally', it was far more effective.
Judging from my son, his behaviour has really improved, and he loves his Daddy as much as (if not more than) he ever did. I also sense he respects him more too.
When I watch my husband hitting my son I can sometimes feel really ill... all these thoughts and feelings come flooding over me, reminding me of my own father hitting me and my brother.. and it's just horrible to see a grown man hurting a poor defenceless child, a third of his size... Yet I'm forced now to try to ignore my own childhood feelings and come to the reality of the situation, which is, that smacking only helps with managing his behaviour. I try and think of the differences between my father hitting me, and my husband hitting my son, and it is a very different situation.
My father would never say that he doesn't like hitting, and we never had any 'close' type of talks like that at all. He would never say things like "I'm sorry I had to smack you but..." and he'd never give cuddles and kisses. Things were how they were and they were never talked about, just accepted. But it's different with my son, and that thought helps me to bear the smacking.