BluMac81
Member
So today started out as one of "those" days... woke up after only 4 hours of sleep and couldnt fall back asleep, thus creating my selective 'not getting sleep phobia' anxiety to rise, got pulled over by a cop, went to the college for tutoring only to find a locked dark room (closed), did poorly on a test, got yelled at for a messy front yard by a neighbor, and didn't get everything done that I needed to in addition to being incredibly stressed about shrinking finances, an impending vacation (needing finances), and finals week.
It all came crashing down on me at about 5pm, having put up a manic "wall" through most of the day to avoid both the panic and depression I so often feel in this state... the shattered self-esteem, excessive panic/anxiety, depression, and thoughts of SI/suicide.....
...then a trigger.
I realized THIS is the time to apply the techniques my therapist has been teaching me. And acknowledged that whatever high-priority to-do's i may still have on my list, my mental well-being remains a higher priority.
So as I was feeling urges to cry or cut... I stopped myself, grabbed my CBT / DBT worksheets and put them in my pocket, and took a brisk jog.
A major CBT fact that has always stood out to me on my worksheet was the whole: "Feelings are not Facts!" thing. You know, as it says
"If we recognize for a minute that our feelings follow our thoughts, it then makes sense that the feelings we get in response to our distorted thinking will be distorted also. When anxious or depressed people feel awful, these feelings seem true and reliable, but as true as they seem, they are clouded. Feelings based on rational logical thoughts provide accurate information to us."
THAT is the best way to get through to me. Logical concepts like that. I kept that in mind as I jogged, and sat in a pretty crowded park as I read my "Distress Tolerance Handout", and this one first page was titled "DISTRACTING". So going down the list I saw that I was doing something right, having recognized my impending mood crash and acted accordingly with "distraction via activity" with the outside jog and all....
And then it struck me, sitting in the park there. I AM in fact feeling better now. So I should do MORE distraction! So right below "Distraction by Activities" was "Distraction with Contributing", as in giving/doing something good to/for someone else. And then it hit me.
The lady earlier from the day I shrugged off as she yelled at me about our front yard being messy, I said it wasn't my responsibility as I'm just a new housemate having just moved in a few months ago.
But I realized that I would be CONTRIBUTING if I were to ease this woman's worries about our front yard (no matter how silly they were) by going out to pull weeds/garden/clean up the front yard. Not because I was entitled to do it, but because I wanted to do it, for someone else. My housemate came home finding me tending the the front yard and was pleasantly surprised and thanked me for doing so.
And yep, I still felt even better. Not tired, not anxious, not stressed, not depressed. If you would have been in my head only an hour ago and known my dark thoughts/feelings, you'd see the stark contrast as plain as day.
I just wanted to make mention that CBT does work and I want to acknowledge that progress right here right now, as a reminder to myself and to anyone else reading this, that there is hope. Be patient and stick with it, knowing that in time, things WILL change. NOTHING stays the same. There is no ALWAYS or NEVER to be spoken in your mind that is a rational thought, unless that thought be that.... "Things ALWAYS change".
It all came crashing down on me at about 5pm, having put up a manic "wall" through most of the day to avoid both the panic and depression I so often feel in this state... the shattered self-esteem, excessive panic/anxiety, depression, and thoughts of SI/suicide.....
...then a trigger.
I realized THIS is the time to apply the techniques my therapist has been teaching me. And acknowledged that whatever high-priority to-do's i may still have on my list, my mental well-being remains a higher priority.
So as I was feeling urges to cry or cut... I stopped myself, grabbed my CBT / DBT worksheets and put them in my pocket, and took a brisk jog.
A major CBT fact that has always stood out to me on my worksheet was the whole: "Feelings are not Facts!" thing. You know, as it says
"If we recognize for a minute that our feelings follow our thoughts, it then makes sense that the feelings we get in response to our distorted thinking will be distorted also. When anxious or depressed people feel awful, these feelings seem true and reliable, but as true as they seem, they are clouded. Feelings based on rational logical thoughts provide accurate information to us."
THAT is the best way to get through to me. Logical concepts like that. I kept that in mind as I jogged, and sat in a pretty crowded park as I read my "Distress Tolerance Handout", and this one first page was titled "DISTRACTING". So going down the list I saw that I was doing something right, having recognized my impending mood crash and acted accordingly with "distraction via activity" with the outside jog and all....
And then it struck me, sitting in the park there. I AM in fact feeling better now. So I should do MORE distraction! So right below "Distraction by Activities" was "Distraction with Contributing", as in giving/doing something good to/for someone else. And then it hit me.
The lady earlier from the day I shrugged off as she yelled at me about our front yard being messy, I said it wasn't my responsibility as I'm just a new housemate having just moved in a few months ago.
But I realized that I would be CONTRIBUTING if I were to ease this woman's worries about our front yard (no matter how silly they were) by going out to pull weeds/garden/clean up the front yard. Not because I was entitled to do it, but because I wanted to do it, for someone else. My housemate came home finding me tending the the front yard and was pleasantly surprised and thanked me for doing so.
And yep, I still felt even better. Not tired, not anxious, not stressed, not depressed. If you would have been in my head only an hour ago and known my dark thoughts/feelings, you'd see the stark contrast as plain as day.
I just wanted to make mention that CBT does work and I want to acknowledge that progress right here right now, as a reminder to myself and to anyone else reading this, that there is hope. Be patient and stick with it, knowing that in time, things WILL change. NOTHING stays the same. There is no ALWAYS or NEVER to be spoken in your mind that is a rational thought, unless that thought be that.... "Things ALWAYS change".
