BluMac81
Member
I feel that I'm ashamed, that now as a 26 year old man, I still have yet to accept myself.
I recently moved to the same state as my sisters, and have been spending alot of time with them (as opposed to what I have been doing for the past 8 years, keeping myself locked away in a one-bedroom apartment). And last night, after Thanksgiving dinner, we sat around the table and talked about our past, our feelings, and our opinions about life in general. But every time the attention turned to me, and I was to say something about myself and my experience, I felt very uncomfortable. I'm constantly thinking about if something I say might hurt them, or if something I say might ruin my image. After I say what I say, immediately comes remourse, with a thousand of the most cruel voices going on in my head telling me why I am a fool for what I said, for who I am.
I'm unable to accept that i'm an introvert, and feel jealous towards people who find socializing so easy. I see all the flaws in myself, and I wish I could change. I've come to hate myself for who I am. That's always been that way. At one point in my life, my self-hatred was so bad that I would repeatedly slash myself with a knife... more or less as 'punishment' for being the way that I am. I want to be normal, be rid of this constant anxiety that affects every single bit of my life. I want to be rid of the constant nagging thorughts, every time I do or say something, that tell me i'm a bad person, that i'm pathetic, that i'm lesser than everyone else. But it's always there, and so that's why I tend to resign myself to solitude, or just being quiet, as then, there is little I can say or do that would bring about those thoughts.
I've come to hate myself for who I am.
So... how do I stop? How do gain the confidence that everyone else displays seemingly so easily? Why is it so hard for me? What's wrong with me? I've been through a few therapists, a load of SSRI drugs (they do nothing for me), and constant 'working on myself' to make me a better person, but nothing works! I'm losing hope and starting to give into the concept of 'i am a bad, flawed person', with the inevitable future of locking myself away and never truly experiencing life to it's fullest. All because of this?!
I need help.... any advice?
I recently moved to the same state as my sisters, and have been spending alot of time with them (as opposed to what I have been doing for the past 8 years, keeping myself locked away in a one-bedroom apartment). And last night, after Thanksgiving dinner, we sat around the table and talked about our past, our feelings, and our opinions about life in general. But every time the attention turned to me, and I was to say something about myself and my experience, I felt very uncomfortable. I'm constantly thinking about if something I say might hurt them, or if something I say might ruin my image. After I say what I say, immediately comes remourse, with a thousand of the most cruel voices going on in my head telling me why I am a fool for what I said, for who I am.
I'm unable to accept that i'm an introvert, and feel jealous towards people who find socializing so easy. I see all the flaws in myself, and I wish I could change. I've come to hate myself for who I am. That's always been that way. At one point in my life, my self-hatred was so bad that I would repeatedly slash myself with a knife... more or less as 'punishment' for being the way that I am. I want to be normal, be rid of this constant anxiety that affects every single bit of my life. I want to be rid of the constant nagging thorughts, every time I do or say something, that tell me i'm a bad person, that i'm pathetic, that i'm lesser than everyone else. But it's always there, and so that's why I tend to resign myself to solitude, or just being quiet, as then, there is little I can say or do that would bring about those thoughts.
I've come to hate myself for who I am.
So... how do I stop? How do gain the confidence that everyone else displays seemingly so easily? Why is it so hard for me? What's wrong with me? I've been through a few therapists, a load of SSRI drugs (they do nothing for me), and constant 'working on myself' to make me a better person, but nothing works! I'm losing hope and starting to give into the concept of 'i am a bad, flawed person', with the inevitable future of locking myself away and never truly experiencing life to it's fullest. All because of this?!
I need help.... any advice?