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Miette

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First of all, I want to say that I'm really enjoying participating in this forum. I hope I'm not taking more than I'm giving, but I have to ask about this because I don't know what to do.

Here is some background: I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My father was emotionally abusive and racist. I think that is where these thoughts are stemming from. When I was little, I liked to draw. My dad is an artist. I remember him teaching me to draw a specific design and my mom getting quite angry at him for teaching me to draw something so evil. I was 4 years old at the time and didn't know what it was. Only when I got a few years older did I realize that it was a swastika. I still have some of the old drawings.

Anyways, his racist views have always affected me, in ways too numerous and lengthy to discuss in this post. When I was a teenager, I was convinced for a short time that I was put here on earth to end racism, and I would be able to do so by writing a book about my experiences with my dad. These thoughts eventually went away.

Now, the thoughts are more sinister. I believe that my birth caused the holocaust to happen. I know it doesn't make sense given my age, but I just feel like I wasn't supposed to be conceived or even born (I feel this way because my bio-parents were 16 and 22, uncle and neice, and they gave me up for adoption) and that my birth somehow set off a chain of events allowing all of this evil to occur, even retroactively. It still occurs because I wasn't able to ever write my book and win the war on racism by stopping my father from feeling the way he does.

This is so consuming, I lay in bed thinking about this and I can't work or study. The thing is, I have periods of time during the day when I think "no, this isn't real" but at times it seems so real to me. Right now, as I'm typing this, I know it's somewhat impossible, but I still think there's a grain of truth in it.

I've had this happen before, with global warming. I was about 21, it was Y2K and all, and we were having unseasonably warm winters. I was certain that my presence on earth started off the chain of events that lead to global warming, and it was my fault we were allgoing to die. It was so bad, I would wake up at night crying about how horrible it was that I caused this. I can see this same pattern emerging right now.

I want to talk to my doctor about this, but I don't even know what to call it. Anxiety? And, I've never discussed these thoughts with him, because they are embarrassing and people look at you with a really pitying look when you tell them you think these things.
 

texasgirl

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Hi Miette:

You are right to believe that racism is sinister and evil. I'm sorry you had to endure that kind of insidious behavior from your father and hope that you can work through your feelings about it with your doctor.

For what it's worth, I try to tell my doctor whatever thoughts are bothering me, lots of times just to check whether he thinks there is any validity to them. Often there is not, and he is careful to just let me know. It helps me not to worry about them as much and to avoid some of my more bizarre beliefs. I would suggest that you tell your doctor just what you said here, or better still maybe bring a copy of your post with you next time and let him read so that he can help you figure it out.

Take care,

TG
 
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Definitely talk to your doctor about this. Not diagnosing, but it sounds OCDish to me and that can be treated with medication and therapy. Anxiety is treatable.

Wishing you the best.
 

Halo

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Miette,

I agree with the others that speaking to your doctor or better yet bringing this post with you if you are going to have trouble verbalizing what you want to say is a good idea. I like what TexasGirl wrote here:

I try to tell my doctor whatever thoughts are bothering me, lots of times just to check whether he thinks there is any validity to them

This is a really good suggestion and one that I should probably put into practice a little more. Thanks :)
 

Daniel

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I can see this same pattern emerging right now.

Yeah, as a layman, my what strikes me the most with such delusions is that you seem to see yourself as possibly having more of an impact on human history than almost anyone else that has ever existed.
 

Miette

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Dec 10, 2006
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I want to say thank you to everyone for the quick replies. I've been worrying about this for the past two days, it's gotten bad and it feels better to talk about it.

I was worried that they were delusions like you mentioned Daniel, but confused because I have periods where I don't believe them. I didn't know if that was possible... that you can have insight with delusions.
 

ThatLady

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Miette, you don't really have to call it anything other than what you feel. It doesn't have to have a name. It's a feeling that's really bothering you. That's really all you have to tell your therapist: "I need to talk to you about something that's really bothering me. It's about this feeling I have. I've had it before. ..." Then, just tell it as you've told it here. :hug:
 

Miette

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Dec 10, 2006
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I wanted to post an update since I've been away for so long. I did tell my doctor about all these thoughts, and some other strange symptoms that I had (I walked into a Chapters and saw people pointing at me) and he thought I was having some ideas of reference and that this was a psychosis that needed to be treated. He put me on zyprexa 5 mg per day. I spent a lot of time sleeping, and I've gained around 10 lbs, but the obsesions and ideas went away. I am now, 1 month later, being weaned off the zyprexa to see if I can make it "on my own" which means with just my lithium.

Thanks everyone for your insight, I'll probably be around more often now.
 
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good to hear the ideas and obsessions went away, and that it helped. i hope the weaning goes smoothly for you. :)
 

Halo

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Miette,

It is great to see you back and to hear that you went to your doctor to let him know what was going on. I hope that the weaning off of the Zyprexa works for you.

Take care
:hug:
 

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