More threads by AshesToAshes

I'm so stressed about my dr appointment friday with my therapist and primary care dr. My therapist has known about my eating disorder for a while now but has been careful to let me be in control regarding my treatment and recovery. I talked to her a couple weeks ago about it being time to talk to my dr about my issues with anorexia because I feel she needs to know so my medical condition can be monitored. So on friday my therapist is going to my appointment with my primary care doctor to help me tell her.

Since I know theres no way I can hide my ED once the cat is out of the bag, or trick the scales anymore anyway I have been overly anxious and have been unable to eat. So I've ended up fasting for the last couple days and passed out just a little bit ago. I'm trying to drink an OWYN protein shake at the moment but terrified to even drink it.

My therapist promised no inpatient or partial hospitalization programs for eating disorders though (unless I reach the point I need refeeding or require medical monitoring that would necessitate a medical need for an inpatient or partial hospitalization program) because she thinks it would backfire by worsening my anxiety and control issues. She is leaning more towards putting me in an intensive outpatient program (IOP) that is more focused on PTSD and anxiety recovery in the hope that treating my underlying issues will help me be able to recover from the anorexia by reducing my feelings of "need" for the ED as a coping mechanism. I'm still terrified and stressing out though.

Does anyone have any advice or has anyone been through anything similar? I could really use support and encouragement at the moment.

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David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
What are the thoughts behind your increased anxiety about this appointment? What's going through your mind? Your self-talk?
 
What are the thoughts behind your increased anxiety about this appointment? What's going through your mind? Your self-talk?
Mostly the fear of her taking away my adderall (which I've never abused especially not due to the anorexia). I cant be in school without it because I have very bad ADHD. And I am very aware it could easily be abused by a person with an ED like me so I make a conscious effort to ONLY take it when I need to focus or have to drive currently. Without it though I get very anxious and easily frustrated when having to focus and I get very clumsy because I cant pay attention. My therapist said she'd back me up on all that as she feels I am self aware enough that I am not going to abuse it despite the obvious elevated potential for abuse among ED patients. My therapist also said she would let my dr know shes seen no signs or indicators to suggest abuse of my adderall. She also said she'd explain to my dr that school is a good coping mechanism for me and will likely help in my recovery but without the adderall I wont be able to be successful in school which could actually cause me to get worse because of my perfectionist tendencies and my need for control.

The other thing going through my mind even sounds crazy to me, especially considering I'm 5'6" and weigh 93lbs. (Sorry to mention #s. Not sure if that's allowed but I only mention it as it is pertinent to why I know my fears are irrational). I tried to seek help when I was 19 and was told I wasnt underweight or sick enough to for help. So I'm terrified I weigh too much and will be told something similar again even though my bmi is 15.0. So I feel like I need to make sure I'm "sick enough" this time.

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David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I suspect both of those fears are unfounded. Plus your therapist will be there to help advocate and nobody can make you do anything unless you agree to it. Even if your doctor is worried about Adderall there are other medications for ADHD that he could switch you to.
 
I suspect both of those fears are unfounded. Plus your therapist will be there to help advocate and nobody can make you do anything unless you agree to it. Even if your doctor is worried about Adderall there are other medications for ADHD that he could switch you to.
I'm hoping the fears are unfounded. I also realize those fears are simply my mind masking my real fears which I'm not even sure what those are. But my anxiety is so high I'm really struggling to cope with it, despite my dr putting me on 1mg kolonopin daily for anxiety and panic attacks. I actually had an anxiety disorder before the eating disorder though and was just diagnosed with a traumatic stress disorder recently due to experiencing domestic violence from my x husband, which began after I lost a pregnancy at 23 weeks 5 days. He blamed me for the loss claiming "I was satan's child and god was punishing me and I deserved it". I left as quickly as possible. I began planning an exit strategy when he became emotionally abusive but it took almost 6 months to escape during which time the abuse escalated into physical, verbal, and psychological. And now I ended up having to move in with family temporarily after leaving my x and they tend to be a bit controlling and extremely critical of me. That's where I still currently am.

All that was just in the last 2 years. My therapist thinks that, because I never had a chance to grieve or a way to process & work through all of the stress and trauma, plus the tension in my home life now, triggered my anorexic relapse a few months back because I couldnt cope anymore. So probably some of the fear over the appointment is coming from subconscious fears having to do with my therapist wanting to put me into IOP treatment after this appointment that focuses on treating anxiety and trauma related issues which means confronting the trauma. Plus as a perfectionist I'm also terrified I'll fail at confronting the trauma and fail at recovery.

As far as the adderall, the problem is I cant take any of the ritalin class ADHD meds due to serious side effects and of all the others I've tried adderall is the only one that works with the least amount of side effects. And I'm allergic to or intolerant of so many foods and medications that I'd be terrified of trying anything new. Just 2 weeks ago I started going into anaphylaxis because of a sulfa antibiotic which I've never reacted to before. And last year I went into anaphylactic shock because of the prednisone which my dr prescribed a round of to get my asthma back under control. And I'd never reacted to that before either. And my drs made sure it was from the medications both times. I'm terrified of everything I eat, drink, or any new medication because I'm already deathly allergic to so many things and the list keeps growing.

Sorry didnt mean to write a novel. It all just kinda poured out.

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