Struggling with identifying as an addict, feeling like a fraud in treatment/AA

[HotthenCold]

Hello,

Not sure what the point of my post is *exactly* but generally it's to get some confirmation I'm doing the right thing, I'm not a fraud, etc..

The situation is that I have told my employer and family that I am addicted to alcohol and cocaine and have wanted to stop for some time, and have made many failed attempts to quit on my own.

The issue is that now I am going in to intensive treatment (a residential program) and am attending many meetings and group therapy sessions until this program can take me in, but since the level of my addiction is nowhere near the severity of many people in these meetings I feel like a fraud, and am unsure of whether or not this is the right program for me. I've come forward to my employer, and I do want help, and I know it's a problem for me, but I still feel like people will resent my because I'm still quite healthy (truly not denial, I have been exercising and eating very healthy all through the addiction), and I never was at the level where I "partook" constantly. It was usually a heavy friday binge, followed by moderate to heavy drinking the next two nights, and moderate drinking 3 or 4 nights between mon-fri (3-10 drinks).

I guess I'm looking for ways I can keep it in my head I need help and remember the misery of coming down off of drugs every saturday morning, and not feel like people don't want me at meetings because I'm "not as much of an addict as them".

 

[Frank7White]

The answer is strait forward. You are a "binge addict" and you are not alone. From Monday to Friday they are as normal as anyone but when they are alone the abuse begins. No, you are not a fraud. I admire your bravery in seeking help. Most people have so many problems of their own they just can't hear your cries for help. From what you have stated you know what is really going on in your life. I have regressed to the point were I cannot socialize with others. If I could, I would join a group that identifies with my problem. The "binge" addict. If you can find a help-group with people who "binge" you can find help. I can't drink or take drugs during the week because my job requires me to have clarity of mind and body or I WILL be fired. So, I drink when I am off and sober up before I go to work. My psychiatrists told me "Binge" drinking, taking drugs and even eating is exactly the same as people who do it all the time. If you stay with you current group and they tell you that you don't belong that's wrong. The key word here is "Binge". It is the same as any other kind of addicton. Working and exercising won't hear you. You must continue to seek help. If you continue to seek you will find. Tell me more about your condition.

 

[HotthenCold]

Thanks Frank (I like the name btw, King Of New York is one of my all time favourite flicks).

It's good to get some confirmation, as my mind keeps wanting to float away from the problem.

As for telling you more about my problem, well...

I am quite "sensitive" and experience a lot of anxiety from various concerns. OCD, feelings of being a failure, of being inadequate,anxiety over a plethora of social issues, anxiety about the state of the world and my confusion at how I can be an agent of change for the better, anger and irritability at seemingly unimportant things, and some more issues I can't remember at present, drive me to want to drink and do drugs to forget it all for a moment.

 

[Frank7White]

I can say without hesitation, I know how you feel. After 19 years of teaching public school in Texas, the state cut back and I was forced out in 2011. I have not been able to find work. I purchased a new home in 2008 when things were great, and now I am about to be evicted. As a long time suffer of anxiety and depression sometimes I just can't take it and I have to drink. My psychiatrists has given me clonazepam and welbutrin, but without insurance I can barely afford it. This month I received my last unemployment check and I will soon be completely broke. I am not sure if you are in this situation, but I have lost my social group of friends, They have all moved far away or out of state. I have been alone and isolated (No girlfriends either) for more than 10 years now. None of these things are helping my anxiety to be sure. This may seem bleak, but I know the Lord will get me through this and I must stay in faith. Hang in there and never give up. Things will turn around and you will get better. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in my future. I choose to believe I will be better off in five years than I have ever been in my entire life.

 

[HotthenCold]

I choose to believe I will be better off in five years than I have ever been in my entire life.

Sounds like you have a great attitude. I'm convinced thats the most powerful thing you can have in this life, so good on ya!

It sounds like you have a rough situation but if you believe things will get better, they will.

I'm quite blessed in that I have relative job security and a steady income, but I am extremely anxious/depressed/fearful/angry and feel as if I'm driven to drink. Additionally I'm without many friends. I have some "party" friends but I don't consider them true friends.

Though I get lonely and bored sometimes, like you I'm choosing to see the bright side.

I have the freedom to live my life how I see fit, and I have the time to explore other options for my future, as well as the time to do my inner work so that I can find the confidence and serenity I desire.

 

[Frank7White]

That's the right idea, I mean what other choice is there? Sit and sulk? We all make our own destiny so making the choice to change it the first step. Then I feel you just have to keep telling yourself who you are and where you are going to be. Before I was canned I was going no where. Stuck in a classroom full of kids is just not where I want to be. I was married for 7 years and the downfall from happy and sober started with my divorce in 2000. After that everything seemed to go down the tubes. I realize now (too late) that women can be a great stabilizer in your life. So I am looking for Ms right. He at least you have friends. I got nothing. So, I have to go out there and try to find a social group in my forties and I have no idea where to start. But when I was teaching all my time was devoted to kids and there is no opportunity to meet women at work. I almost wish I worked a cubical at some big company downtown so I would at least have a chance for adult conversation. Anyway, keep me informed about your drinking. I hope you can kick that ass. Do you have a wife, girlfriend? If you don't find one! And make sure you get one that does not drink...LOL