[Trigger] The Impact

[texasgirl]

My daughter was looking at a box of pictures, old cards, and other things and had it spread out on the dining table. She was out, and I started to straighten things up, and saw that she had the newspapers that had the story of her father's suicide and his obituary out. I reread them myself (interesting that the paper is now getting aged....) and it seems so surreal, but like yesterday when it happened. I was listening the other day to Emmy Lou Harris' album, "Wrecking Ball", where she sings a Lucinda Williams song, "Sweet Old World", written to her brother who committed suicide, a song that I think is so good that it is hard to take:

See what you lost when you left this world, this sweet old world
See what you lost when you left this world, this sweet old world

The breath from your own lips, the touch of fingertips
A sweet and tender kiss
The sound of a midnight train, wearing someone's ring
Someone calling your name
Somebody so warm cradled in your arm
Didn't you think you were worth anything

See what you lost when you left this world, this sweet old world
See what you lost when you left this world, this sweet old world

Millions of us in love, promises made good
Your own flesh and blood
Looking for some truth, dancing with no shoes
The beat, the rhythm, the blues
The pounding of your heart's drum together with another one
Didn't you think anyone loved you

See what you lost when you left this world, this sweet old world
See what you lost when you left this world, this sweet old world

I spend my life each day, even if just for a minute, worried about whether one of my kids will commit suicide. I am hypervigilant to signs of depression, sadness, hopelessness in each of them. It was all so hard for them, especially walking them up to see him at his funeral. That memory is so hard to erase but we go on trying to be happy. It's the middle of yet another sleepless night where the truth hits hard. And wondering what my daughter thinks about when she reads the details in the paper about her father. A mother wants to take the pain away from her kids. It's my role. But I can't. So I just fold it away and put it back in the box.

Sorry for such a long post.

TG

 

[HBas]

Thank you for sharing.

Although we want to take away pain from our kids, it is impossible. I feel an unbreakable love while reading your post, the type I have for my son. Your kids are very lucky to have you - a mom that loves them with all her heart.

I admire your courage.

HB

 

[white page]

Hi Texasgirl,
Your post is very moving , and my heart goes out to you. I don't know how old your daughter is , so maybe the following will be innapropriate.
Have you asked your daughter about what she thinks ? She may have all sorts of confusing emotions which the suicide of a parent brings on. One is a feeling of abandonment , "why isn't he here for me now ?"


I do know that it is a good idea to talk about all of this, the pain will always be there , but it is so important to have a space to express the pain , children who have lost parents at an early age , for whatever reason search to get to know that parent by whatever means that are available for them.
I don't know if you feel it to be possible for you to do this yet , it maybe a good idea to ask your daughter when the occaision presents itself , if there are any questions she would like to ask about her father.
Hiding information from children can lead to them fantising and coming up with the wrong answers, they can and do accept the truth and this then opens up communication .

take care wp

 

[texasgirl]

Hi Texasgirl,
Your post is very moving , and my heart goes out to you. I don't know how old your daughter is , so maybe the following will be innapropriate.
Have you asked your daughter about what she thinks ? She may have all sorts of confusing emotions which the suicide of a parent brings on. One is a feeling of abandonment , "why isn't he here for me now ?"


I do know that it is a good idea to talk about all of this, the pain will always be there , but it is so important to have a space to express the pain , children who have lost parents at an early age , for whatever reason search to get to know that parent by whatever means that are available for them.
I don't know if you feel it to be possible for you to do this yet , it maybe a good idea to ask your daughter when the occaision presents itself , if there are any questions she would like to ask about her father.
Hiding information from children can lead to them fantising and coming up with the wrong answers, they can and do accept the truth and this then opens up communication .

take care wp

We all had a great deal of counseling after he died and have talked about him, less so now. She is 16 and took his death the hardest among the kids since she is the oldest.

As time goes by, it kind of becomes more, not less, difficult for me to talk to them and I don't know quite why. Maybe it's because they are getting older and I have read so many statistics that indicate children of parents who commit suicide are more likely to do it themselves, which worries me so much. My middle son was diagnosed as suicidal and was in treatment for it, and I watch for him regularly to see if he is ok. But I don't want it to take over their lives either. It's a struggle. I want her to feel free to talk to me about what she read, but I want her also feel free to have her private thoughts. I just hope that I am doing the right thing for them.

TG

 

[Halo]

TG,

I think that just being the caring concerned mother that you are is helping them. I have to admit that I was envious of this part of your original post:

I am hypervigilant to signs of depression, sadness, hopelessness in each of them.

And I say envious because my parents were oblivious to any such feelings even though I expressed them and for you to be so open, honest and caring about your children just brings tears to my eyes.

You are a wonderful mother who is doing everything that you can to keep them safe. I don't have kids so I can't comment on parenting but I really think that your kids are lucky to have a great mom who understands.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[texasgirl]

Yall are all so comforting - and loving people. I understand the part about having parents who are oblivious and I am so sorry that yours were. I swore when I had kids that I wouldn't be and try hard not to be. But I don't want to over-worry either, or to put my own feelings on my kids (it's hard to distinguish sometimes whether they are my thoughts or theirs.) In any case I am very grateful for your support and caring.

TG

 

[Budoaiki]

I want her to feel free to talk to me about what she read, but I want her also feel free to have her private thoughts. I just hope that I am doing the right thing for them.
TG

TG,

I don't think your post was too long at all and I think it was written very eloquently and obviously from the heart. Maybe you could express the thought (quoted above) to your daughter. I think she might find comfort in it, knowing you are there for her when she needs you and that you respect her privacy by knowing she needs to have room to grieve. I bet your other children could benefit from hearing that as well.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Texas Girl your daughter is so lucky to have a mother who can help her through all this. I know your worry about children being suicidal and it is hard keeping that boundary of wanting to protect them yet give them their space and privacy. I think just letting your daughter know you are there for her anytime she needs to talk as you are doing is wise. Take care and my heart does go out to you and your children mary.