Tired

[Ashley-Kate]

In the last week i have been questioning what exactly consist of being suicidal, I may sound pathetic and stupid when asking that question but I don't really think so.. I can't remember a time in my life were i wasn't partially suicidal. I can't remember a time where thinking about ways to hurt or kill myself wasn't every day. Is that suicidal or is that simply depression? Where do we draw the line from simply being depressed to suicidal.

I spend my days writing notes thinking of proper ways to say goodbye, thinking of the right way to end my life. The recent suicide in my family has made the planing of my own death so much more present, how to do it, how to avoid as much pain as possible, how to make sure everyone feels okay and doesn't blame themselves but at the same time does not experience to much frustration towards me.

I have been faced with my family's grieving through the death of my uncle and instead of making me want to live or fight it has pushed me lower and deeper in my struggle to live. Yet I don't think i have ever spent that much time on trying to live. I have spent 15 years with an eating disorder whether it be anorexia or bulimia it has been with the sole intention on eventually dying from complications, I have had many suicide attempts in the past. I have been depressed forever and nothing seems to help me get better from everything..

I spend my days enduring my own mind that seems to be losing it feeling like there is constant screaming going on in my head reminding me how pathetic and stupid or disgusting i am things are not getting better so is this being depressed, and my depression is making me not want to live or am i suicidal i don't get it. My psychologist constantly asks me if i am and i don't know what to say and at the same time i feel like i have to mask how bad things really are so i don't get put in some psychiatric hospital. yet at the same time I am basically killing myself through an eating disorder hoping that people will save me before it kills me..

I can't admit to being psychologically ill yet if my body gives out than i am allowed to have help. I am tired i don't get life and i am sick of fighting.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: tired.

You Ashley Kate are depressed and need to be honest with your doctor to get the treatment you need to heal
Look around hun there will be no acceptance no understanding from anyone if you leave
You medication i hope starts to work soon but in order for the doctor to help you he needs to know exactly what you are feeling with no mask on
I am sorry your uncle death has pushed you even more deeper into depression but you are surviving you are and with the right help you can heal you can hun hugs

 

[Retired]

Re: tired.

Ashley,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with thoughts of suicide at this time. You need to get in touch with your doctor to report your distress, because suicide is never the answer to the problem.

Have you told your doctor and your psychologist about the recent suicide in your family?

This is important information for your therapist and doctor to know, because this tragic event is causing some distorted thinking for you.

Your doctors need to know exactly how you are feeling, with no mask, no hiding the truth.

Will you promise to keep yourself safe until you can speak to your doctor or your psychologist?

The crisis line in Montreal is 514-723-4000 where you can call for immediate support if you cannot reach your doctor or psychologist.