Top 10 Signs You're Not Going to Win the New York City Marathon

[Daniel E.]

10. You're losing precious time with your frequent Marlboro breaks.

9. They surprise you at the starting line with the rule about "no cars."

8. Suddenly it doesn't seem so smart to carry your luggage with you so you can go right to the airport after the race.

7. Your three favorite words in the English language are "More pie, please."

6. Before you've gone two miles, one of your four inch heels snaps off.

5. Bad idea to just "duck into" the DMV to get your license renewed.

4. You run so darn fast against the rotation of the Earth that you go back in time to when they didn't even have marathons and the old-time New Yorkers gather around you and make fun of your running shorts and then beat the crap out of you.

3. You get winded licking stamps.

2. Instead of the Eye of the Tiger, you've got the Dull Stare of the Dairy Cow.

1. You've just finished last year's marathon.

Source: David Letterman's Book of Top Ten Lists and Zesty Lo-Cal Chicken Recipes, Bantan Books, 1995

 

[Daniel E.]

Top Ten Thoughts That Go Through Your Mind When Running The New York City Marathon

10."Wow, Staten Island is even more beautiful that I imagined"

9."Cool! MapQuest found a route that's only five miles"

8."Am I experiencing a runner's high, or is it the bus fumes?"

7."Is that the finish line or crime scene tape?"

6."Why can I run 26 miles in less time than it takes to play a World Series game?"

5."Car!"

4."Cramp!"

3."Who's that little boy waving at me? Oh, it's Mayor Bloomberg"

2."I forgot to bring exact change for the Verrazano Bridge!"

1."I really hope that was Gatorade"


Source: Late Show with David Letterman, 11/2/09