• Quote of the Day
    "When you're going through hell, keep going."
    Winston Churchill, posted by David Baxter

Marc

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Joined
Oct 31, 2007
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7
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1
Hey,

I do feel somewhat guilty for only seeming to post when i have a problem (and therefore i aplogise for this), however i d just feel the need to vent and maybe to seek advice.

(sorry if this makes little sense at parts as i am relatively drunk, though sobering up, at this time - however all the thoughts typed down are not alcohol induced but rather encouraged to be put into the open through it).

i went to the doctor around 2 months ago and, being 17 in the UK, was put on 20mg prozac once per day (Not allowed to give me anything stronger until I am 18 at the end of december 2008). I have decided to see a psychiatrist and am talking to the doctor about it in a few days when i have made an appointment about it with him.

a few things have encouraged me to do this - so i suppose i'll just type them down and attempt to make sense of them instead of these thoughts staying, rather mixed and confusing, in my head.

First of all, lately, i've had constant tboughts of suicide - daydreams, nightmares (though i can't say that these exactly scare me, which is perhaps a bit worrying), plans, etc. I sarted SI about 2 and a half years ago and though i stopped doing it around 1 and a half years ago, and have had only one or two one-day relapses since, i still feel as though i want to do it every single day since. It's like i feel it on the underside of my wrist, waiting, and it's so ****************ing hard to not do it that it drains so much energy just to not give in nevermind not think about it.

also, i just feel so ANGRY all the time. I ALWAYS feel like i want to hurt someone, or myself, it's worrying how a day doesn't go by where i have to keep my temper in check and where i don't want to hurt someone. Not only have i been thinking of hurting myself, i constantly think about or dream about hurting others, or even killing them, causing them pain somehow. It's like i get urges to do this to others and i just want it to stop, but i can't manage to get it out of my head, i have such an impulse to kill or hurt whoever i see. Which is another factor - i can't feel anything the way that others seem to. People i am friends with, my family, my girlfriend. I don't feel anything really for any of them. I might enjoy their company, but if i do something that hurts them i just don't care at all, i'd rather not and i don't do it intentionally, but if it happens then i couldn't care less, i just pretend to in order to manipulate my way to get what i want in some form. I just feel so ****************; i haven't felt happy about anything in years. not properly happy, just pretend happy, like all the other positive emotions i've learned to mimic over the last few years without actually feeling them. i just haven't felt anything akin to happiness, love, anything positive for so long, just anger, sadness(Constantly), despair, hopelessness, i hate it and i don't want it to continue. but it just all feels as though the only way that it will end is to kill myself, and i'm trying as hard as i can not to. i can't sleep, i can't concentrate, i can't get these thoughts out of my head, and everything just feels so pointless. nothing i ever do gives me enjoyment anymore, i'm bored all the time. i can't seem to be interested with anything, and i'm getting so tired of pretending to be fine and pretending to normal and feel what everyone else is feeling when inside i just feel hollow.

anyways, sorry for going on for so long just needed to vent a little, and maybe ask any advice to get my mind off things before going to a therapist.. off to attempt to sleep now, thanks for reading and happy 2008.
 

Halo

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Joined
Jul 19, 2005
Messages
7,474
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Re: Venting.

Marc,

First of all don't ever feel bad about only posting when you need help...that is what this forum is here for. We are all here to help each other in their time of need.

I can definitely relate to some of the feelings that you posted about and wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Some of what you did post is scary and I am glad that you are going to speak to your doctor about seeing a psychiatrist because it really seems as though you need some sort of counselling to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.

I hope that you can get to your doctor soon and get some help. Is there anyone in your life that you can confide in life a family friend, a school counsellor or someone else while you wait to see the psychiatrist.

In the interim, I am glad that you have written here and I hope that you continue to open up to us.

Take care
 

David Baxter

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I should also point out, Marc, that it's not necessarily true that you cannot be prescribed anything other than Prozac 20 mg if you are under 18 years of age. It's more that general practitioners are cautioned to be very careful about prescribing other antidepressant medications, and for that reason many GPs are reluctant to do so.

A referral to a psychiatrist is a good idea in that regard, too, since the psychiatrist would likely be more familiar with suitable medication options for you.

On the other hand, I am concerned about the recurring and frequent suicidal thoughts and dreams. I would strongly recommend that you mention this to your doctor - if nothing else, it may speed up your referral to a psychiatrist, or your doctor may know of other local resources.
 

poohbear

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Dec 31, 2005
Messages
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I agree with the doc. I think you should go see your general practitioner as soon as humanly possible. Explain to him what you are feeling and how it affects your day to day functioning. No one should have to go through this alone, and telling him this may speed up the referral process. You need a counselor so you can vent these things, get professional input and direction, so you will feel safe. I'm willing to bet, if you are in school, you could go to the school counselor and tell him/her this, and that the counselor might be able to get you in much sooner, also. Please talk to someone. You really need to get the help you deserve.
 

Marc

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Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
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Thanks for the advice, i got a referral to the psychiatrist for in a couple of weeks time and the GP doubled the dose of Prozac.
 

Halo

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That is great Marc. I am happy to hear that you went to your GP and the dose of your meds was doubled and that you got that referral to the psychiatrist. Hopefully the increase in meds will kick in soon and you will begin to feel a difference. Hang in there :)
 

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