More threads by L J


Hey everybody, you can call me L J. I hope this is the right section to post about my "problem" well here it is, I'm 21 years old and i want a girlfriend so badly it's not even funny anymore, i can't stand being alone anymore

i see everyone around me getting happy and all and there's me alone all the time, i seriously don't know what to do anymore.

There's a girl that i've seen at my college which is the prettiest girl i have ever seen in my entire life but the bad thing about it is that i don't know her, i don't take any classes with her and nobody that i know knows her oh and the worse of all i'm afraid of taking to "hot" girls, i don't even know why because i usually talk to all the other girls just fine, but when they hot ones arrive i feel like i can't go up to them and talk to them.

I fear this girl a lot because i think to myself "why would i bother talking to her, it's not like she's gonna like me" or "if i don't know her and i don't have any reasons to go up to her she's gonna think i'm a psycho or a freak"

I don't even know why i have those thoughts. i was a very positive person but now it's getting to the point where i'm so negative all the time.

I don't have any confidence in myself and why should i? the girls i liked back in high school they never gave me the light of day, we could be just fine as friends but they never liked me back (during HS i liked 2 girls a lot and they didn't like me back).

I don't consider myself that ugly, the bad part and the one that i hate the most is that i'm very skinny and no matter what i eat i hardly gain any weight whatsoever and i don't have any muscles at all. And another thing that i tnink a lot is "well it's not that i'm ugly, its just that out of all the guys that the world has why would any hot girl pick me? its very frustrating to have these thoughts and it sucks more than i've seen plenty of ugliers guys than me and they have girlfriends so why can't i get one?

I get depressed some times thinking that i'm never getting one.

Also i think i don't want to talk to hot girls anymore since the girls in HS didn't like me back i think i have a big fear of rejection and that's making me not wanting to try at all with any of the hot girls that are @ my college, i finished with my ranting, sorry.

What can i do to improve?

what do you guys think of me? what problems i have? how can they be fixed? Talking to that girls out of the blue would seem weird or am i overreacting?

any others questions or thoughts about me are welcomed with open arms.

- L J

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Re: I can't take it anymore

Welcome to Psychlinks, LJ.

The best advice I can give you in terms of finding someone is to say you are probably focusing on the wrong thing. I do understand that your goal is a relationship but in trying to focus on the goal you are creating unnecessary anxiety and probably tending to scare people away by presenting an impression of being too eager, too needy, too intense, too much in a rush. The reason you find it difficult to talk to certain girls is because you've piled so much expectation and hope on that one conversation that the idea of "failure" or rejection paralyzes you.

Instead, focus on making your life more interesting to and fun for you. By that I mean, put your energies into expanding your network of friends and activites. If you have hobbies, spend more time on them, especially if they involve or might involve other people - even with relatively solitary hobbies like photography or collections there are often local clubs you can join.

If you think about it, most people meet their partners by being introduced through friends or work or other activities. And that's usually the least stressful way to meet someone because you already have something in common - either the mutual friend or the mutual interest.

Daniel E.
Re: I can't take it anymore

i'm very skinny and no matter what i eat i hardly gain any weight whatsoever and i don't have any muscles at all.

However, muscle mass is not a prerequisite to confidence, self-esteem, or happy relationships. It's not like runners who have a very lean body shape are less likely to get married than weight lifters.

Also, your comment is very typical. There are a lot of guys that are "hard gainers."
The most popular book on the subject is:

Scrawny to Brawny: The Complete Guide to Building Muscle the Natural Way

Daniel E.
Re: I can't take it anymore

LJ said:
...i've seen plenty of ugliers guys than me and they have girlfriends...

You are correct that appearance isn't everything. It's not even the main thing:

One of our main concerns was the extent to which women considered male appearance in choosing partners. Women were asked to rank eight factors in selecting a man for a romantic relationship: four personality variables and four physical variables. We asked men to estimate how women would rank these same factors.

Personality won hands down. Both men and women rated intelligence and sense of humor as most important, sexual performance and physical strength as least important. This suggests that despite escalating cultural emphasis on male looks, both sexes still believe that women choose men more by character than appearance.

Men nonetheless overestimated the importance women place on certain male physical characteristics. They thought an attractive face was more important to women than empathy and the ability to talk about feelings. They also assumed that body build had greater significance than women indicated.

We asked women directly, "how important it is for you that [a man] have noticeable muscles," and we asked men how important muscles were to them. The differences were striking: twice as many women as men said that male muscles did not matter at all.

Male fascination with muscles may have more to do with other men than with women. Men were aware that massive muscles were no major attraction to women. Only 27 percent agreed with the statement, "Men pictured in body-building magazines are attractive to most women." In fact, just 20 percent of women acknowledged finding body builders attractive.

Psychology Today: Men's bodies--the survey


Re: I can't take it anymore

Thanks to all of you for the tips and for the warm welcome :)

Let's hope things go good for me in 2008 :D

Angry Me


I can relate to several of your issues. I'm twice your age and female but as a high school student I was VERY skinny and was teased about it all of the time. I had only one big crush in high school and didn't find out until 20 years later that he was in love with me but afraid to tell me then. I wanted more than anything to get married as soon as I was out of college and start my fairy tale life. Well guess what?? It was the wrong focus. I didn't pay attention to red flags because I wanted a relationship so bad. I'm divorced now for 4 years after 17 years of miserable marriage. It was the perfect picture of a family and I thought it was what I wanted but I was wrong. I get very depressed because I'm angry that my ex is happy with the girlfriend he had that caused our divorce but I don't let anyone close because I have trouble trusting people. I'm much happier when I just do my own thing and go on the occasional date; however, I lately I have been very shallowly looking for that perfect hot guy (ironically after all the teasing as a teen I'm often called Hot Mom now) with lots of money so that I can be taken care of instead of taking care of everyone. Unfortunately that's not what I NEED and its not making me happy. I need to not set limits but to just take friendships/relationships as they come and stop searching for it. I should not have kept my feelings to myself as a teen. Yes its hard to hear no...but if I had said something back then I would have known that the love of my life actually did notice me and love me too. Remember that "no" is just the answer to a question and that person is just another person no matter how hot they are. Don't internalize it - but taking the chance can make a difference. Remember that if someone is as shallow as thinking that 'he's too skinny' then that's not someone who can respect you or have a real relationship with you. Yes you need to be attracted to the person you are going to be with, but attraction is not all about the physical.
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