More threads by Daniel E.

Daniel E.

daniel@psychlinks.ca
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Excerpt from "What to Do About the People Who Blame You for Everything"
by Nancy Colier, LCSW, Rev.
Dec 13, 2015; Retrieved Apr 9, 2018

...The most critical practice to undertake when in a relationship with a blamer is to get irrefutably clear on who we are in our own heart—which only we can know. What is my truth?: This is the question in which we must marinate. The core of protecting ourselves from a blamer is establishing and continually supporting an impenetrable boundary between what we know about ourselves and what this other person needs to believe about us. This boundary requires that we be willing to dive deeply into our own heart, to discover our real truths—without distortion—with a fierce and unwavering intention to meet ourselves as we actually are. Our practice is to create a tether into our heart, and build a place inside ourselves where the blamer’s words cannot reach—where we know (and know we know) who we are. Rather than harming us, then, the other’s blame can then be used as a red flag, to remind us to return to our heart to discover what is actually so for us—separate from the other and their story. Their blame becomes the catalyst to direct our energy away from their narrative and toward our own inarguable truth.

It is heartbreaking when someone we love sees us in a way that doesn’t feel true or positive, but just because another person (no matter how much we love them) relates to us as bad or guilty does not mean that we are those things. We can mourn this person not knowing us, or not seeing us correctly—without having to become the object of their blame. Further, we do not need to convince the other of who we are to be who we are. We need not convince them of our innocence to be innocent. We can simply choose to reject their projections, to return them to sender, if you will. Their projections belong to them; we can let them pass through us. While we feel and grieve the gap between who we are and who they see, it is not a gap that must be, or in some cases, can be bridged.

We can’t control whether another person will listen to or be interested in our truth, but we can control for how long and with how much energy we will attempt to correct their version of our truth. We can also control how and if we want to continue in a relationship with someone who chooses not to relate to who we actually are.

In relating with a blamer, some important questions to contemplate are:

  • When I search my own heart, is my intention in line with what the blamer is accusing me of? (Am I responsible in some way for what they are claiming and can I look at that part of myself?)
  • What is my heart’s intention in this relationship?
  • Have I tried to express my experience or my truth to this person?
  • Do I experience this person as interested in or open to my truth?
  • Am I allowing myself to experience the feelings that arise as a result of being unfairly blamed and/or not heard?
  • Can I honor and grieve the gap between who they are relating to and who I am?
  • Can I know myself as who I am even in the face of their need to relate to me as someone else?
  • Can I allow their negative projections to remain with them, and not take them in as my own?
  • Can I let myself be who I am and know myself as who I am, even with this person believing that I am responsible for how they feel?
  • Can I honor myself as innocent even in the face of the guilt they are assigning me?
  • Do I want to remain in relationship with someone who sees me in a way that is out of alignment with who I know myself to be? If so, why?
A longing for others to see and know us as we know ourselves—and, of course, regard us positively—is integral to being human. And yet, we can’t always change the way another person relates to us, or who they need us to be for them. Fortunately, we can always change the way we relate to ourselves. No matter the narrative tsunami we face, we can always be that kind and curious presence—for ourselves—which wants to know what is actually true inside our heart, and thus to know us as we really are.
 
Re: What to Do About the People Who Blame You for Everything

Great points. We can’t control what another person thinks or feels about us.

Where it gets hard though, is when we are working in a committee or group, all for a common cause, and someone makes a mistake and then, rather than admitting to their mistake, makes it publicly look like I am the one at fault. I’ll explain.

As a volunteer on a committee there are often times where we are asked to volunteer our time for something extra. I did this. I listed my availability and then I waited for a response. I got my response from a staff member and a public email was sent out to the volunteers scheduled for the event this coming Wednesday. It was not sent to the entire committee though. The scheduling was so well done, and the duties were so well described, I was impressed. I booked my ParaTransit bus and I was happy.

Three days later, the Chair of the same committee sent out his schedule. It had no detail other than to say I would not be working on the day the staff member had listed me for. I was scheduled to work on the only day I had explicitly said I was not available; April 30. Once more I was paired up with a person I don’t get along with at all.

I asked the Chair what happened? I included in the email a copy of the schedule the staff member had sent me.

The Chair wrote back and said he didn’t know the staff member was working on the same project. He didn’t apologize or nothing.

The staff member wrote to me privately and apologized. He said he had no idea the Chair was working on the same thing.

I wrote both of them and asked, can’t you talk to each other, admit to the mistake, and then fix it?

The Chair said no. I must accept his orders. The staff member again apologized to me privately.

When all was said and done , my name was removed as a volunteer for these extra duties.

What bugs me is the same thing happened multiple times last year. I never got to work at one of the 7 events that took place. Now my fellow committee members, who have no idea what happened behind the scenes, accuse me of not pulling my weight.

How do I suck it up and not out the Chair for

a) publishing the schedule so late, and
b) over-ruling the decision of the staff member, who published the schedule the required one week ahead of time?

It would be really nice if there was a public apology, but nope. I must shut up and accept the fact I appear to be not pulling my weight, to my fellow committee members.

It’s hard to accept blame for something like this.

I can’t wait till my term in this committee ends in 8 months.
 
Re: What to Do About the People Who Blame You for Everything

The only thing you can do is explain to the other members what happened and if they do not accept that explanation then that is their problem not yours
I am sorry this happens to you i would think the first posting of your schedule should have stayed.
 
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