More threads by Cat Dancer

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
The short answer is because the abuser works hard to manipulate the victim's feelings, thoughts, and perceptions, and most imnportantly he works very hard to keep the victim off balance and feeling insecure. After a while, many victims begin to believe that they are the ones at fault, that they need the abusive partner to survive, and that no one else would want them or put up with them.


With my parents, dad always was distressed and frightened and felt abandoned and was very childlike when mum threatened to take me and her to a refuge. That prevented it every time.


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Other reasons for not leaving is that the abuser isolates the victim. Some have full control over with all the other reasons already stated the victim does usually feel they can't live without the abuser because the abuser has complete control over the victim.
Oh yes. All of these. Someone close to me has been in an abusive marriage for 27 years and I could go on all day and night about the evil wretched man that has ruined her life. It's a very upsetting subject, makes me so so angry.


In some cases, it is because you really love the abusive person, hope and pray they will stop, they don't. Then, after a time, it becomes like David said, which is all about control. Also, if there are children involved then there is that fear involved, the fear of losing my children if I leave, who will believe me, etc.
to not feel like you failedyour mariage or your relationship , to stay "for the children " as so many people seem to say as if they believe truelly that living in a broken home is harder than living in a house were violence is accuring !
I honestly think there are so many reason people stay in an abusive relationship. Its so hard to understand the emotional scars that are there....some times people forget that the emotional scars tend to be worse the physical. People sometimes become Co-dependent and honestly think that they need to stay. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard then most thing.
They feel isolated, lost and confused. Most of the time their self esteem suffers and their unable to leave... maybe because its all they know.....
People who sit there and ask why dont you just leave have no idea how hard that it can honestly be....:(
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...believe that they are the ones at fault, that they need the abusive partner to survive, and that no one else would want them or put up with them.

This is so true. I stayed in a marraige for nearly 14 years after my ex cheated on me, even though I no longer trusted him. I felt trapped. I had no education. I had no income. I had no support system or means to get one. Over time, I gained enough self confidence to leave. It took GUTS, let me tell you. If you have not been through it, it is SO hard to understand. But I am right in the middle of it! It's not easy for a woman, with no college degree to leave a marraige (and that standard of living), with three children. It is the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my entire life. EVER. To tell you the truth, had I known what was in store, I would have stayed, put up with things even longer, and made my self more able to handle it before leaving. As it is now, I am struggling-- in quicksand, mind you-- to make ends meet, to ensure I am properly represented in court, to take care of the children on my own with NO help, getting over the financial strain (and loans) that I had to take to compensate for his 8 months of no child support, working 60 hours every other week (at NIGHT) so I can be sure to be off when I have the kids on MY weeks. This is a night mare. And I see no end in sight-- until our divorce is final-- and even then, it will be difficult. It is HARD.

That's why.
Poohbear, I'm sorry you're going through so much. I fear being in your situation.

I wish you the best and hope it all works out in your favor.
it's hard to see someone in a situation that is dangerous for their wellbeing and not be able to help it's as if to us it is evident btu to that person it'S there life it'S there husband their companion they wantto see good in him and at the same time there is the opposite the ones that know it'S pretty bad that they need to leave but stay cause if they do leave they risk him going after them and instead of having to live in hideout for the rest of their lives they chose to stay and live through it until the abuser gets sick of it or .. the psychological abuse happening in those situations and the manipulation is so intence we can not expect the person to just grab her stuff and leave!
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