I grew up amidst my father's alcoholism and his severe violence towards my mother, which began before I was born. They recently separated, after over 30 years of this. I've recently confronted the reality of the violence more fully. What I'm finding so hard is what to do with my relationship with my father. He did such terrible things to my mother. I feel often like I don't want to be in touch with him at all. But yet if I don't respond to his messages or agree to meet up with him I feel guilty. He has had two suicide attempts and I have always been anxious about how self-destructive he is, ever since I was a small child, even though he can be so aggressive. And of course part of me wants to be able to have a Dad. But the reality of what he's done is too awful. It feel such a big and painful thing to solve. I am already in therapy but still struggling with this.
- Thread starter astrea
- Start date
Hi astrea,
*hugs*
My husband is a survivor of an abusive father. I am a survivor of my mother's abuse. I think I know where you are coming from with the guilt. The thing is, and your therapist will probably agree, these things that your father did/does are not anything to do with anything you could have tried to change, or anything you could have done or said. These problems he has are all his own. You are not responsible for him (even though you probably thought you were or tried to be when you were a child). It's natural for a child to want to help their father or mother. It hurts us to see our parents in pain. They are supposed to protect us, not the other way around, so it's often that a child will parent the parent (or darn well try)... Then it's tough to say if that the child ever had a real childhood.
I had some big issues with guilt with my mom. She did lots of terrible things and still does. It took me therapy and time and talking to other people like in this forum, but eventually it might be easier to accept that it's okay to be upset or angry or sad because of the things your parent did. You are not a bad person for feeling bad about something. Feel what you feel. It's okay to do that. You probably weren't allowed to feel your own feelings because you likely stuffed them down to try to protect your parents. This isn't healthy when you are a child or when you are an adult.
Hope you find what you need here! 8)
*hugs*
My husband is a survivor of an abusive father. I am a survivor of my mother's abuse. I think I know where you are coming from with the guilt. The thing is, and your therapist will probably agree, these things that your father did/does are not anything to do with anything you could have tried to change, or anything you could have done or said. These problems he has are all his own. You are not responsible for him (even though you probably thought you were or tried to be when you were a child). It's natural for a child to want to help their father or mother. It hurts us to see our parents in pain. They are supposed to protect us, not the other way around, so it's often that a child will parent the parent (or darn well try)... Then it's tough to say if that the child ever had a real childhood.
I had some big issues with guilt with my mom. She did lots of terrible things and still does. It took me therapy and time and talking to other people like in this forum, but eventually it might be easier to accept that it's okay to be upset or angry or sad because of the things your parent did. You are not a bad person for feeling bad about something. Feel what you feel. It's okay to do that. You probably weren't allowed to feel your own feelings because you likely stuffed them down to try to protect your parents. This isn't healthy when you are a child or when you are an adult.
Hope you find what you need here! 8)
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