Assertiveness Without Aggression

[Retired]

All About Assertiveness
Psychology Today
February, 9, 2013

Demonstrating assertiveness means there's no question where you stand, no matter the topic. Cognitively, to be assertive implies a lack of anxious thoughts in light of stress. Behaviorally, assertiveness is all about asking for what you want in a manner that respects others. Assertive people don't shy away from defending their points of view or goals, or from trying to influence others. In terms of affect, assertiveness means reacting to positive and negative emotions without aggression or resorting to passivity.

Should you always be assertive? Not at all. Sometimes life calls for protective aggressiveness or wise non-assertiveness....The Assertiveness Habit

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Attached are several articles from Psychology Today that help explain how to be assertive but not aggressive while developing the skills needed for successful relationships.

 

[GDPR]

I have been working on being assertive. But I'm finding it hard to be without also being aggressive. I think it's because I feel like there needs to be a fear factor involved before I'm taken seriously. I don't even have the courage to be assertive unless I am trying to dominate someone.

If I am trying to speak up,I feel like a meek mouse. I don't feel confident at all. But if I add threats,or sound really mean,I feel powerful.

I guess I'm not being assertive at all,I'm just intimidating others.And it causes major problems. Actually,after reading the articles,I think I may even be a bully at times. I don't mean to be, I just don't really know how to be assertive without adding aggression.

I guess I have alot to work on.

 

[Retired]

I don't know if this exercise can help in your situation, but I found it helpful years ago in learning to moderate the aggression when being assertive.

Take a dollar bill and go into a store and say to the cashier in the most polite and friendly way you can, and a sincere smile, "I'd like four quarters, please."

You may or may not get the change, because everyone has the right to say, "No", so if you are refused, go to the next store and make the same request, using the same phrase, "I'd like......."

Once you feel comfortable with the dollar for quarters, increase the stakes, by taking a five dollar bill and asking for five ones.

You can make it as complicated as you want, and it can give you some training in a non threatening environment to test your assertiveness moderated with kindness.

 

[rdw]

I also find it helpful to not take another person's view personally. It is their view and they are absolutely entitled to it.