Being overweight and jobless

[debbiewalker87]

Hey, I wanna help my cousin. She's 24 or 25 and she doesn't wanna attend mass every Sunday from now on because she is embarrassed by her figure. In my opinion she's quite fat but not too fat but she feels bad noticing people laughing behind her back about her figure. Also, she said she doesn't wanna attend mass because some of her friends and relatives see her and when they ask where she works, she doesn't know what to say and how to respond because she is jobless. She had a job which only lasted for some months (contractual) but she's been a housewife for a couple of months now. She got pregnant about 5 months before her graduation but still finished studying and graduated anyway. Need help please. Sending me websites and articles would also be good. I really wanna help her. Please, help me help her.

 

[Halo]

Re: Being Overweight and jobless

Hi Debbie,

First of all welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

I think that it is great that you want to help your cousin but I guess I am a little unclear as to what exactly you are looking for in terms of websites and articles? Is the concern more directed towards her weight issue or by being jobless?

I have to be honest and say that I am a little uncomfortable with your opinion that "she's quite fat but not too fat" and I would just hope that being the caring cousin that you seem to be that you have not expressed this opinion to her. I say this because I have personally been on the receiving end of weight comments from family members and know how hurtful and detrimental to my self-esteem they can be.

 

[debbiewalker87]

Re: Being Overweight and jobless

I think that it is great that you want to help your cousin but I guess I am a little unclear as to what exactly you are looking for in terms of websites and articles? Is the concern more directed towards her weight issue or by being jobless?

- Actually, both.

I have to be honest and say that I am a little uncomfortable with your opinion that "she's quite fat but not too fat" and I would just hope that being the caring cousin that you seem to be that you have not expressed this opinion to her.

- no, I keep that to myself. She is not obese though.

I say this because I have personally been on the receiving end of weight comments from family members and know how hurtful and detrimental to my self-esteem they can be.

- Yeah, I know. I really don't know how to help her. I'm thinking that it would be a matter of mindsetting, realizing your value, skills and talents, self assessment, you know. things like that.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: Being Overweight and jobless

focusing on any major project in your life takes a lot of energy. i would try to not get her to try and focus both on a job and on the weight issue at the same time.

it sounds like she feels ashamed for not working. that might be worth investigating with her. there is no shame in being at home with the kids so that would be the first thing to try and deal with.

the weight issue is difficult too. people really struggle with this as its hard to stay focused. that takes dedication and a focused plan and that in itself takes a lot of your energy and attention. if you're dealing with other things it becomes too hard to maintain a plan

sorry if this is a bit scattered but these are some of my immediate thoughts.

 

[Halo]

Re: Being Overweight and jobless

Debbie,

I agree with ITL that there is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom. In my opinion, that is not "jobless". From what I hear being a mom is a full-time job and more.

As for helping your cousin with her weight issue, this is something that may be more difficult. In order to help her, first of all I think that you need to determine whether she wants help at all. She may not be ready to deal with this issue or face it and forcing her to do so may only make her shut you out.

If she is ready to deal with this, then the next thing to figure out is whether she is ready to take action and wants to lose weight or is she just wanting to become accepting of who she is at the present weight. I think that once together you have figured that out then you will be in a better position to help her.

 

[debbiewalker87]

Re: Being Overweight and jobless

focusing on any major project in your life takes a lot of energy. i would try to not get her to try and focus both on a job and on the weight issue at the same time.

it sounds like she feels ashamed for not working. that might be worth investigating with her. there is no shame in being at home with the kids so that would be the first thing to try and deal with.

the weight issue is difficult too. people really struggle with this as its hard to stay focused. that takes dedication and a focused plan and that in itself takes a lot of your energy and attention. if you're dealing with other things it becomes too hard to maintain a plan

sorry if this is a bit scattered but these are some of my immediate thoughts.

Don't worry, I get your point anyway. :dimples:
You're right. Exactly. She feels ashamed for not working. But I have the feeling that temptation plays a role. She told me she wondered why she never thought of being jobless and fat when going to malls but not when attending mass. Knowing that she also sees some friends and relatives at the mall near our place.

Debbie,

I agree with ITL that there is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom. In my opinion, that is not "jobless". From what I hear being a mom is a full-time job and more. - Halo, I agree so much. I don't know if she has a weaker emotional intelligence though. Or it could be that she doesn't wanna be seen by her classmates who are now working to see her jobless and being a housewife.

As for helping your cousin with her weight issue, this is something that may be more difficult. In order to help her, first of all I think that you need to determine whether she wants help at all. She may not be ready to deal with this issue or face it and forcing her to do so may only make her shut you out.

- Whoa! This never crossed my mind. You're right. But I think she does want some help. Cause she talked to me and my mom. My mom also told her to steer clear of those kind of people.

If she is ready to deal with this, then the next thing to figure out is whether she is ready to take action and wants to lose weight or is she just wanting to become accepting of who she is at the present weight. I think that once together you have figured that out then you will be in a better position to help her.

- This is helpful. :dimples: But what if being fat is in the genes? It seems she has done everything to lose weight but nothing worked. What about letting her realize her worth? Like convincing her that physique or being jobless are not the things that really matter as a human. I haven't tried talking to her heart-to-heart though. We did not have enough time last time we met.

 

[Halo]

Re: Being Overweight and jobless

I think that having a good talk with her would really be a great idea as then you would be in a better position to be able to figure out how best to help her. Until you do have a heart to heart with her you will not fully know whether she is content with her weight the way it is or whether she really wants to lose weight and needs help.

You say that she has tried to lose weight on her own but my first though was has she tried any outside help? I know that there are some good programs available. She would probably be best to go and speak to her doctor about this first though just to rule out any medical conditions that may be causing unnecessary weight gain.

 

[debbiewalker87]

Re: Being Overweight and jobless

I think that having a good talk with her would really be a great idea as then you would be in a better position to be able to figure out how best to help her. Until you do have a heart to heart with her you will not fully know whether she is content with her weight the way it is or whether she really wants to lose weight and needs help.

You say that she has tried to lose weight on her own but my first though was has she tried any outside help? I know that there are some good programs available. She would probably be best to go and speak to her doctor about this first though just to rule out any medical conditions that may be causing unnecessary weight gain.

Yeah, I also think that having a heart to heart talk would be the perfect first step. I would have the chance to read her mind then.

I don't think she would want cush programs. She hates spending. Same with seeking advice from a doctor.

 

[Lana]

Re: Being Overweight and jobless

Hi Debbie,
I think it's admirable that you want to help your cousin. But there are a few things that keep jumping out at me when I read your posts here. So, I'll try to be as brief as possible.

First, other members are absolutely correct: you cannot help someone that is not asking or looking for help. If you try to, at best, you will offend her. At worst, you will damage the trust she put in you when she confided to you and your mother about her feelings. If she did not explicitly ask for help, don't go there.

Second: I've noticed that you use the word "fat" to describe your cousin. That, in itself is derogatory and can rob the best and healthiest of people of some esteem. That is truly an ugly word. So, if you want to start helping, stop using that word, and consider things such as:

- accepting her as a perfect her, just as she is

- admiring her for being a great mom, regardless of her size or job status

- appreciating the fact that she's doing the most important job of any job on the plant -- raising a child (being a mom is truly a blessing and a privildge, not a right or expected thing) In addition, getting a job would take her away from her child so it's a tough call to make and one that only she and the father of her child can make.

- using caring words when describing her and helping her with issues that make her a valuable person -- size or job are NOT it. For example, help her love herself as she is. Help her realize how beautiful she is, just as she is, and how important her job as a mom is.

- consider the real reason behind your desire to help her: do you want to do this because you're tired of listneing to her? do you want to do this so that she would attend the mass? do you want to do this so that you have someone going with you? or do you want to do this because you feel that somehow it's expected of you? and so on. Ask yourself: how would a job and size make a difference to you, personally?

Lastly, if you pursue your quest in finding her help, make sure you have a plan first. When I accept help, I do so because I asked, and the person knows what they're doing, they have a goal, they can communicate that goal to me, they're knowledgable about the issues, and they're willing to discuss it with me in those terms (not personal ones).

 

[Halo]

:agree:

Good post Lana