Boundaries in Interpersonal Relationships

[David Baxter PhD]

7 Types of Boundaries You May Need​

by Sharon Martin, LCSW, PsychCentral
April 23, 2020

We all need boundaries.

Boundaries keep us safe. Boundaries differentiate me from you. Boundaries help us focus on whats most important to us. And boundaries improve relationships by creating clear expectations and responsibilities.

But it can be hard to figure out what boundaries you need to set.

What boundaries do you need?​

One way to identify your boundaries is to think about the areas of your life where you're experiencing problems. Do you constantly feel exhausted? Do you feel uncomfortable around your coworker Kevin? Do you feel resentful of your mothers intrusions? Each of these problems is telling you that you're lacking boundaries in this area of your life.

I've identified seven common types of boundaries. Understanding each type can help you clarify the specific boundaries that you may need.

1) Physical Boundaries​

Physical boundaries protect your space and body, your right to not be touched, to have privacy, and to meet your physical needs such as resting or eating. They tell others how close they can get to you, what kind of physical touch (if any) is okay, how much privacy you need, and how to behave in your personal space. A physical boundary clearly defines that your body and personal space belong to you.

Examples:

• When someone sits uncomfortably close to you, you move away or say, I need a little more personal space.
• We don't keep or consume alcohol at our house.

2) Sexual Boundaries​

Sexual boundaries protect your right to consent, to ask for what you like sexually, and to honesty about your partners sexual history. They define what kind of sexual touch and intimacy you want, how often, when, where, and with whom.

Examples:

• I'd like to be touched like this.
• Thuy has a personal policy of not having sex on the first date.

3) Emotional or Mental Boundaries​

Emotional or mental boundaries protect your right to have your own feelings and thoughts, to not have your feelings criticized or invalidated, and not have to take care of other people’s feelings. Emotional boundaries differentiate your feelings from other peoples, so you're accountable for your own feelings, but not responsible for how others feel. Emotional boundaries also allow us to create emotional safety by respecting each other’s feelings, not oversharing personal information that's inappropriate for the nature or level of closeness in the relationship.

Examples:

• I don't feel comfortable discussing this.
• I feel embarrassed and powerless when you chastise me in front of our kids. I'd like you to stop.

4) Spiritual or Religious Boundaries​

Spiritual boundaries protect your right to believe in what you want, worship as you wish, and practice your spiritual or religious beliefs.

Examples:

• I'm going to take a moment and say a silent prayer before we eat.
• Paul goes to church alone because his partner doesn't share his beliefs.

5) Financial and Material Boundaries​

Financial and material boundaries protect your financial resources and possessions, your right to spend your money as you choose, to not give or loan your money or possessions if you dont want to, and your right to be paid by an employer as agreed.

Examples:

• I'm on a budget, so I brought my lunch from home and won't be ordering lunch today.
• Please don't borrow my car without asking.

6) Time Boundaries​

Time boundaries protect how you spend your time. They protect you from agreeing to do things you don’t want to do, having people waste your time, and being overworked.

Examples:

• I reserve my evenings for family time. 'Ill respond to all work emails first thing in the morning.
• Dad, I don't have time to take you shopping this week. I'll place an order for you with the grocery delivery service.

7) Non-Negotiable Boundaries​

Non-negotiable boundaries are deal-breakers, things that you absolutely must have in order to feel safe. They usually pertain to safety issues such as physical violence, emotional abuse, drug or alcohol use, fidelity, and life-threatening health issues.

Examples:

• Mom, if you don't install a fence around your pool, my children will not be able to come to your house.
• Infidelity is a deal-breaker for me and I will not continue in this relationship if you cheat on me.

We all need some non-negotiable boundaries, but we also need to be careful that we don't put too many of our boundaries into this category. If a non-negotiable boundary is going to have any meaning, you have to be willing to follow through on it. Its counter-productive to set non-negotiable boundaries that you don't enforce.

Read more about setting boundaries​

• How to Set Boundaries with Kindness
• 5 Tips for Setting Boundaries (Without Feeling Guilty)

 

[Daniel E.]

Boundaries: The Solution for Feeling Overwhelmed - Sharon Martin, LCSW Counseling San Jose and Campbell, CA

Jill feels overwhelmed. Jill has been working 12-hour days all week. She’s barely seen her son, let alone spent any quality time with him, which leaves her feeling guilty. Her 11-year-old is nagging her to have three friends over to watch a movie on Friday night, but Jill is exhausted. It’s...

sharonmartincounseling.com

Boundaries include:​

• saying no to things you don’t want to do or don’t have the resources to do
• leaving situations that are harmful to you
• telling others how you want to be treated
• being aware of your own feelings and allowing yourself to feel differently than others
• not trying to change, fix, or rescue others from difficult situations or feelings
• allowing others to make their own decisions
• prioritizing self-care
• sharing personal information gradually based on how well you know and trust someone
• recognizing which problems are yours to solve and which problems belong to others
• communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs
• having personal space and privacy
• pursuing your own goals and interests

5 Tips for Setting Boundaries (Without Feeling Guilty)

Do you feel guilty when you set boundaries? Do you struggle to set boundaries? Well, youre not alone! Mental h

www.psychcentral.com

If you're just beginning to set boundaries, you may feel guilty and perhaps even selfish or mean. This is because it's new, not because you're doing something wrong. Your needs are valid and setting boundaries will get easier the more you do it!

Stop Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for You

How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me by Tee R. Sebastian, Tiny Buddha October 29, 2018 "A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment." ~ Laurie Helgoe Do you ever worry that if you...

forum.psychlinks.ca

Never feel guilty for doing what’s best for you or for prioritizing what you value in life. Never feel guilty for being honest about how you feel, and never apologize for being you.

Boundaries for Highly Sensitive People: the yes, the no, the confusion

Boundaries for Highly Sensitive People: the yes, the no, the confusion by Caroline Van Kimmenade, TheHappySensitive.com Jan 12, 2021 I get a lot of questions about boundaries for Highly Sensitive People. BUT – many sensitive souls don’t know that their real questions are about boundaries...

forum.psychlinks.ca

Boundaries are hard for us Highly Sensitive People when we were taught to toughen up, be the strong caretaker and ignore our own needs!

 

[Daniel E.]

Setting Boundaries and Caring for Yourself

Setting boundaries protects us and help us to feel safe in relationships. Our Houston, TX counselors can help you learn to set boundaries.

eddinscounseling.com

Get clear on what you value/desire. What do you really want or long for? What is truly important to you in your life? Get clear on your most important values. Use your values to guide your decisions vs. others opinions or expectations. Use this to help you find what is missing from your life.

 

[Daniel E.]