[How to] Get over being insecure

[Into The Light]

the more i think about it, the more it bothers me. i've been insecure for as far back as i can remember. i find i am constantly trying to guess how i should react or behave around other people. i try to zoom in on expectations and then try to live up to them. i panic when i think i can't.

the problem is this is really becoming exhausting. this constant fear of saying the wrong thing or making the wrong move. the fear of making mistakes and having people thing less of me as a result.

i'm getting really tired of this but i can't seem to keep the worry at bay. i feel useless when i do something i perceive as having been a mistake. i put so much thought into things that when this then happens it's distressing to me.

how do i get over this "habit" and stop being this way?

 

[Jazzey]

Re: Getting over being insecure

I have the same concerns ITL. But, I'll offer what little advice I can.

From reading your post,this is where the problem lies (as I'm sure you already know):

i try to zoom in on expectations and then try to live up to them. i panic when i think i can't.

None of us are mind readers. I catch myself doing the same thing and trick my brain into the "who knows / who cares" mode. And I usually try to catch the thought before it spirals out of control if you know what I mean?

If I can catch in time, I usually relax a little and can be a little more myself in any given situation.

Hope this makes sense.

 

[adaptive1]

Re: Getting over being insecure

I know what you mean, it gets to the point where you are almost trying to please everyone and after awhile you dont even really know what you want anymore because you aren't being honest about who you really are.

I do find it helps to try and relax and focus on what ever it is you are doing and it takes the worry about the other people away a little, it makes it more enjoyable if that makes sense. Like if I am in an exercise class I ty to focus on geting stronger instead of worrying if I am making a fool of myself. If I am out to dinner I focus on the food and the tastes. Putting the emphasis on the purpose of the outing helps me take some of the emphasis off how I think I am being perceived and meeting others expectations that probably are not there anyway. Dont know if that makes sense but it helps me a little, I am very self conscious.

 

[suewatters1]

Re: Getting over being insecure

I am not sure how to get over it because I am insecure sometimes. But what people tell me if somebody doesn't like you for who you are. To Bad So Sad.
Your true friends will accept you for who you are.
I am still working on that but improving somewhat.
I am learning to be my authentic self
Sue

 

[Hummingbird]

Re: Getting over being insecure

the more i think about it, the more it bothers me. i've been insecure for as far back as i can remember. i find i am constantly trying to guess how i should react or behave around other people. i try to zoom in on expectations and then try to live up to them. i panic when i think i can't.

the problem is this is really becoming exhausting. this constant fear of saying the wrong thing or making the wrong move. the fear of making mistakes and having people thing less of me as a result.

i'm getting really tired of this but i can't seem to keep the worry at bay. i feel useless when i do something i perceive as having been a mistake. i put so much thought into things that when this then happens it's distressing to me.

how do i get over this "habit" and stop being this way?

I can empathize with your feelings so completely. I have been insecure all my life and in a way I think that is what pushes me to succeed in the things I do. I think the best way to overcome this feeling is to expose yourself to the situations which make you feel so insecure . I believe the only way to conquer these fears is to place yourself in the situation. Each time you expose yourself you will gain more confidence. I still find it difficult to go into a room of people and talk with various people who I do not know. But everytime I am in public even in a grocery line I talk to people and practice my these skills. Sometimes I can feel myself wanting to fade back into the background but I don't allow myself. I have also come to realize that some individuals make it easy to join a conversation and then there are those who make it difficult for you to join a conversation and I don't let that have a negative effect on me I find someone else to talk to. Most of the time I find that people are not focusing on the little things we think they are. Most people have insecurities but some people hide them better than others.

 

[Always Changing]

Re: Getting over being insecure

how do i get over this "habit" and stop being this way?

Q.1. Are the expectations\ standards you have set for yourself too high?
Q.2 Do you know your own Limits?
Q.3 Are you thinking for other people? (eg: if i do\say this he\she will think ??)

I think at times we believe we know what other people will think, (I know I do this at times) so we strive to cover all angles, ie all the what if's. This can be mentally tiring, overwhelming and in the end can lead to feeling inferior and insecure.

I have found that sometimes stepping back and taking a minute to realise that we cannot actually cover all the what if's, ( I find "what if" thinking is a viscious circle) or know what other people are really thinking, helps.

in a work situation for instance, I was afraid to say I did not know how to do ? and I would sit there thinking, "what am I going to do, I can't tell him\her that I don't know what to do, I must be stupid or they will think I am stupid. When I eventually did ask for help, I realised that it was my own thinking that was stopping me from learning what I needed to know. I also learned at the same time, that most people want to help if they are able to.
I had to learn to ask for help when it was needed.
I had to learn that I have my limits, in knowledge or experience and that it is ok not to know everything!
I had to learn not to think for or pre-empt what other peoples think.
I learned that I can not please everyone.
I learned that not all "corrections" from other people are put downs, for the most part they are constructive, in that they are meant to help me learn not to make me feel bad.

We are all human and we all can and do make mistakes, it's how we learn to view those mistakes that can make life easier or harder.

Hope this helps.

 

[Hummingbird]

Re: Getting over being insecure

I think one of the most important things I have learned about putting my self in social situations (and being insecure about it) is that there has to be a payoff for me. I have to be gaining something intrinsic from the conversation and what spurs me on most is that I know I will inevitably learn something new from each social situation. I may learn:
1) that I have to modify my point of view based on new information
2) I confirmed my opinion someone else sees the particular topic the way I do
3) I don't agree with their opinion

If# 3 is the case I have to decide if here and now is the place to discuss it
or if it's not worth the discussion or I just ask the person why they feel this way and then later evaluate their response

End result I may decide to change my opinion. As well, I could put my opinion on hold to see if I learn more info to modify or confirm that opinion in the future.

The end result I firmly believe is to have a balance between alone time or down time and social situations. I do believe in any social encounter the kind of person you are deep down will come shining through for all to see. People will come to see the person you are in your essence and will be drawn to you. I think it really always comes down to a balance in your life.
I hope I didn't stray too far from the subject. Hummingbird

 

[Yuray]

Re: Getting over being insecure

Keep in mind insecurity is not a state of existence, but a misguiding perception. Eliminate all the descriptors that have been used so far to define feelings accompanying insecurity, it all boils down to our concern with what others think of us. It reflects our own value judgment to a degree, how we view others.

Insecurity is the best way to socially and emotionally isolate yourself. It robs people of contentment. Insecurity is almost always a carry over from childhood years, but it doesn’t have to keep us from interaction for fear of being thought of negatively. Many people think I am a complete moron, yet I will still continue on as me, because ultimately, I cannot change how people think about me. I can change things I do to appease them and garner their approval, but then I am not me. Who do you want to be?

Someone thinks you are a moron. Okay. So, what then? Are their thoughts to control your day? In that sense, we are all morons, because none of us can placate everyone, so despite your best actions and intentions, someone will always think you a moron.

You say something wrong and you wish you could retract it, but can’t. Too late. You act visibly awkward in a crowd but want to appear more comfortable. You can’t. So, what happens? People keep your actions in mind for a bit, then its forgotten. Remember, despite your best interpretation of your own actions, others may view them differently.

Someone thinks of you as a moron, (or however you may wish to describe it), and at times you are not even aware of it. (Most times actually).

Embarrassment and humility are good qualities to have and be aware of, and they are a result of conscience, but they are not insecurities. We all want to be loved, respected, validated, and accepted. This is accomplished by the perception we have about what others think of us. Self esteem, or the overcompensation of lack of self esteem may be the real culprit here.

With head held high, that noble nose thrust forward, chest inflated, proud long strides, walk down that public sidewalk. When you trip and others notice and laugh, laugh with them, because we all trip.


“nothing give us more pleasure than to laugh at our own neighbors in turn, as they have laughed at us” Jane Austen

 

[Hummingbird]

Re: Getting over being insecure

I agree with you. There will be some people in this world who will never like me because of some action I have taken and I can't change that or turn back the clock. It may be because I represent another point of view than there's . There could be a whole range of reasons and they may all be valid. I believe if you just keep your goals and persevere that person will eventually come to see your worth . But if they don't that could be their lose.

 

[sjohnson]

I've always been insecure, not so much about my personality although im not good in social situations, but about my body. i'm completely and utterly insecure about it. i wish i knew how to stop this.