Hi,
I'm new here, and I have some questions about therapy. I have been going to a kind and very empathic therapist for about 4 months. My reasons for starting therapy were many; difficult childhood (abuse, traumas, no contact with parents), difficult marriage, burnt out at work, social anxiety, isolation, loneliness and low self view. You can say that therapy was long over due for me although I have none of the major diagnoses. I have kept my personal problems at bay all of my life, focusing on work and my son. The cost of keeping my emotions at bay all of these years has been an underdeveloped personality (in my own opinion), and a na?vity I carry with me because of too little social experience. Also it has drained me of energy. I also have a somewhat hard edge, as an overachieving perfectionist. I am a 34 year old woman.
I was at my most fragile coming to therapy, I cried a lot in there, and it was painful in every way to go there. Very quickly after only 3-4 sessions, I noticed I recovered in many areas. My therapist started a very gentle cure with support in the kindest way, focusing on how I was never loved unconditionally, and how to view myself as a rightfully member of the world, etc. This was in the very beginning of therapy. He works psychodynamically with an existensialist approach, which is a good fit for me. I am not as socially shy, I take better care of myself, and I have worked through some tough stuff with my mother, and done some major changes in my life.
Also very quickly in this process, I developed a strong positive transference and idealization towards my therapist. A handsome male my age, intense eye contact in sessions, some shared interests, I became defenseless to falling in love. I have not directly brought it up, and I don't know if he knows, but I guess it has crossed his mind, at least. We are both quite attractive and intelligent, we both mirror each other in sessions, smiling, agreeing on everything. I guess I worry a little bit about if he has some counter-transference issues with me, and because of this I don't feel as safe any more. Lately I have been working myself out of my transference love, for most of it at least, because I have chosen to work on my marriage. Now I see more clearly how my therapist's behaviour brings out my transference. I feel he is almost too supportive of me, too loving. Is there such a thing? Or am I just being so used to my self judgmental thoughts and my parents non-existent support, that I feel threatened by such professional human caring? (Also I feel extremely self-centered just by thinking about these things, the word counter-transference makes me sick about myself, I truly don't want to be special for my therapist. I can see past the transference love issues, knowing this has to do with my issues and history. I had no caring adults in my life when I was growing up so I am probably the perfect candidate for transference love, I know that.)
I have read that one sign of counter-transference can be prolonging sessions. We almost always go over the 50 mins, but not for more than 5-10 mins. Is this short amount of time serious? I am his last appointment of that day, late in the evening. He has told me he gets very engaged in our sessions. For me, it feels like he wants to show me he cares a little bit extra.
He has been quick to point out negative traits about my husband, and also a man I had a brief affair with during separation. It seems like he does not like me being with another man. Or is this just supportive professional behaviour, picking up on what I say about my relationship problems? Hard to tell for anyone, probably, but I find myself defending my husband (and the brief lover) to him. That's a little bizarre to me. It's not like they have personality disorders, they are normal, high functioning guys.
All of this has led to a halt in my progress, I am now very self conscious in sessions, I can't get hold of my own thoughts, and most of the time can't even think of topics to bring up. He asks me what I want to talk about, and I start to think that maybe I don't need therapy anymore, because there is nothing I can think of to bring up right now. But I know there are many more issues to discuss, and some of them are experiences from my past, which he isn't that interested in hearing about, I feel. There are issues of abuse, also sexual, emotional and physical neglect and intense loneliness, from my childhood, that I need to bring up, but can't bring myself to do. I don't think my therapist is aware of the severity of those experiences. Or maybe I am not bringing it up to protect him, that I in the long run, a couple of years from now, still want a real love relationship with my therapist, and therefore can't risk ruining myself completely for him. I know I don't want to be looked at from his eyes, knowing that he knows those things. It's as though I have less value if he knows. I know this is extremely silly thinking, but maybe it's like that, I don't know.
These transference issues are exhausting to deal with, so intense, and maybe they are ruining my therapy now. I am exhausted coming in to his office, my heart races and I must take a few minutes to calm down. He sees this right away, and addresses it. He relaxes with me, breathing quietly together, trying to get me completely into the feeling (which I am not able to). He thinks I am stressed out when I come in because I don't like being in focus, like I have to be, in therapy. And that is also true, but there is so much more going on.
I feel I am disloyal to the person who has helped me the most in my life, by just writing about it here. He has a deepfelt and genuine wish to help people, and he does. His integrity is completely intact, he has not broken any borders with me, just to make that clear. I'm a fool to make a mess out of such a good therapy progress, pointing out non-existing problems, when in reality I am extremely lucky to have found such a caring therapist.
Is there no other way around it than to bring all of this up in session? I don't think I can do it.
Is this a messy therapeutic situation, or just very normal?
Sorry for writing such a long post. Thank you for reading through it anyway.
I'm new here, and I have some questions about therapy. I have been going to a kind and very empathic therapist for about 4 months. My reasons for starting therapy were many; difficult childhood (abuse, traumas, no contact with parents), difficult marriage, burnt out at work, social anxiety, isolation, loneliness and low self view. You can say that therapy was long over due for me although I have none of the major diagnoses. I have kept my personal problems at bay all of my life, focusing on work and my son. The cost of keeping my emotions at bay all of these years has been an underdeveloped personality (in my own opinion), and a na?vity I carry with me because of too little social experience. Also it has drained me of energy. I also have a somewhat hard edge, as an overachieving perfectionist. I am a 34 year old woman.
I was at my most fragile coming to therapy, I cried a lot in there, and it was painful in every way to go there. Very quickly after only 3-4 sessions, I noticed I recovered in many areas. My therapist started a very gentle cure with support in the kindest way, focusing on how I was never loved unconditionally, and how to view myself as a rightfully member of the world, etc. This was in the very beginning of therapy. He works psychodynamically with an existensialist approach, which is a good fit for me. I am not as socially shy, I take better care of myself, and I have worked through some tough stuff with my mother, and done some major changes in my life.
Also very quickly in this process, I developed a strong positive transference and idealization towards my therapist. A handsome male my age, intense eye contact in sessions, some shared interests, I became defenseless to falling in love. I have not directly brought it up, and I don't know if he knows, but I guess it has crossed his mind, at least. We are both quite attractive and intelligent, we both mirror each other in sessions, smiling, agreeing on everything. I guess I worry a little bit about if he has some counter-transference issues with me, and because of this I don't feel as safe any more. Lately I have been working myself out of my transference love, for most of it at least, because I have chosen to work on my marriage. Now I see more clearly how my therapist's behaviour brings out my transference. I feel he is almost too supportive of me, too loving. Is there such a thing? Or am I just being so used to my self judgmental thoughts and my parents non-existent support, that I feel threatened by such professional human caring? (Also I feel extremely self-centered just by thinking about these things, the word counter-transference makes me sick about myself, I truly don't want to be special for my therapist. I can see past the transference love issues, knowing this has to do with my issues and history. I had no caring adults in my life when I was growing up so I am probably the perfect candidate for transference love, I know that.)
I have read that one sign of counter-transference can be prolonging sessions. We almost always go over the 50 mins, but not for more than 5-10 mins. Is this short amount of time serious? I am his last appointment of that day, late in the evening. He has told me he gets very engaged in our sessions. For me, it feels like he wants to show me he cares a little bit extra.
He has been quick to point out negative traits about my husband, and also a man I had a brief affair with during separation. It seems like he does not like me being with another man. Or is this just supportive professional behaviour, picking up on what I say about my relationship problems? Hard to tell for anyone, probably, but I find myself defending my husband (and the brief lover) to him. That's a little bizarre to me. It's not like they have personality disorders, they are normal, high functioning guys.
All of this has led to a halt in my progress, I am now very self conscious in sessions, I can't get hold of my own thoughts, and most of the time can't even think of topics to bring up. He asks me what I want to talk about, and I start to think that maybe I don't need therapy anymore, because there is nothing I can think of to bring up right now. But I know there are many more issues to discuss, and some of them are experiences from my past, which he isn't that interested in hearing about, I feel. There are issues of abuse, also sexual, emotional and physical neglect and intense loneliness, from my childhood, that I need to bring up, but can't bring myself to do. I don't think my therapist is aware of the severity of those experiences. Or maybe I am not bringing it up to protect him, that I in the long run, a couple of years from now, still want a real love relationship with my therapist, and therefore can't risk ruining myself completely for him. I know I don't want to be looked at from his eyes, knowing that he knows those things. It's as though I have less value if he knows. I know this is extremely silly thinking, but maybe it's like that, I don't know.
These transference issues are exhausting to deal with, so intense, and maybe they are ruining my therapy now. I am exhausted coming in to his office, my heart races and I must take a few minutes to calm down. He sees this right away, and addresses it. He relaxes with me, breathing quietly together, trying to get me completely into the feeling (which I am not able to). He thinks I am stressed out when I come in because I don't like being in focus, like I have to be, in therapy. And that is also true, but there is so much more going on.
I feel I am disloyal to the person who has helped me the most in my life, by just writing about it here. He has a deepfelt and genuine wish to help people, and he does. His integrity is completely intact, he has not broken any borders with me, just to make that clear. I'm a fool to make a mess out of such a good therapy progress, pointing out non-existing problems, when in reality I am extremely lucky to have found such a caring therapist.
Is there no other way around it than to bring all of this up in session? I don't think I can do it.
Is this a messy therapeutic situation, or just very normal?
Sorry for writing such a long post. Thank you for reading through it anyway.
