Hard

[Ashley-Kate]

Well i am home finally after spending 2 months at my mothers place i am finally in my stuff and at home. I spent my first week at my brothers because he needed someone to watch his daughter. I am home now and it is odd because although i live with three guys they are always out because they have this big project. Here i am alone I thought i was strong that i could resist the temptation of falling back into the e-d patterns but it is really hard. I can't even get myself to go do the groceries because i am afraid i will get too much or not enough or if i get it i will eat it all or none and it will waste. I do eat though i know not enough but i am still proud of myself that i didn't fall too far. i can't find the motivation to just go get groceries yet i want to i just can't... oufff.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey i know it will be difficult at first but just take small steps remember. Just try buying small amts at a time enough to get you through couple of days and see if that helps. Don't be to hard on yourself okay. Just thinking of you and wanted to send you some support. You are on your own again that in itself is a big step good for you.:2thumbs:

 

[Always Changing]

Hi Ashley,
as Violet says just take one day at a time.. even with the grocery shopping,, just buy enough for a day or so.
I am delighted to hear this.

but i am still proud of myself that i didn't fall too far.

I am proud of you also. :hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thank you both,
I start back with my psychologist on tuesday and the fun thing about that is that i finally will not be changing psychologist he had planned a transfer but ends up that the psychiatrist i saw thinks it would be best that i continue with my old psychologist with him once and a while. so i don't have to start over with someone new. well that depends on if my psychologist agrees with that.. so i am a bit nervous for that but i know that it is in like 3 days.
I am also going to go to this group called aneb for people with eating disorder on monday night it is at the hospital i once was hospitalised in. i need it I went before and it was very helpfull just to feel like you are not alone in the hole thing helps a lot.

 

[Into The Light]

good to hear ashley!! good luck and i am keeping my fingers crossed. :support:

 

[forgetmenot]

The group sounds like a great idea as you said having support of people with the same disorder does help. I hope all goes well with you doctor appt keep up the great work your doing Ashley Kate :2thumbs:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Hello, I am a bit dissapointed in myself because i am losing it. I am accomplishing the fear i had wen i decided to come back home. I am turning 21 very soon and yet i can't wrap my head around the fact that i will be this. I understand my hole analysation of the hole.. "this" I look at myself in the mirror and no i don't see this over weight girl i see something i don't want to be and i can't even describe it i see me yet i hate it. I want to be else and yet i know my way to be else is dangerous. I have started restricting again and i am terrified because all my life i set goals of ages that i would be okay, dead lines. At 21 this hole thing was supposed to be over i was not supposed to be this way after 21. Actually i was nut supposed to be like this after 16 then after 18 then 20 and now 21 .. i keep pushing the dead line i gave myself.. and i can't take it anymore. I just want out.. I am lying to my friends and familly again and i would like to tell them the truth but i can't. My roomates who have helped me in my last relapse who brought me to the hospital i find myself lying to them as well.i want help yet i keep having the impression that i am not ok yet and once i feel ok if i can't stop i will get help.. I need a break..

 

[Jazzey]

First Ash, there is no deadline here. The goal is to get better. And that can only start when you're ready to be accountable. i.e.: start by telling people the truth about where you are, make an appointment with your psychologist again, or your doctor, and be upfront about what you're doing.

You need support. You cannot do this on your own. So start seeking out that support for yourself Ash.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks. I saw my psychologist yesterday to top it all off and i also went to the group on monday and the group i feel did not help me really at all i feel that being with a bunch of girls with the same disorder only intensified my desire to remain in this disorder. My psychologist is aware of what is going on but having returned to a healthy weight they don't make too much of it anymore. i feel so stupid. lost confused a bunch of emotions i am not quite sure how to understand.

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry Ash. I can only appreciate how confusing this all is for you. As for the group support, did you ask any of the other girls how they cope with wanting to slip back into restriction?

As I suggested above, you need to seek out that support. Seeing your psychologist (and I'm happy you're honest with your psychologist) and attending group support can only help you if you use these as tools.

So, ask questions about coping mechanisms. And try and implement them. And, more importantly, be gentle with yourself. Sometimes our emotions surge and we don't understand them. But I'm not convinced that we always have to understand them. Sometimes it's just our brain's way of letting us know that there's something that's bothering us.

Added: Restricting your intake right now will only add to that confusion Ash. As I know that you already know. So I hope that you'll get the support you need to stay away from that behaviour.

 

[ladylore]

Hey Ashley-Kate,
I'm sorry that your struggling right now. You post got me thinking. I am turning 39 in a few weeks and it's ok with me. I do remember hitting my own 21st birthday and wondering how this happened. Like you, I didn't think I would live to see that birthday. I never thought I would see 20, never-mind 21.

This healing process takes time with breakthroughs and setback, and more breakthroughs. I am glad you are 21 now. I really am.

Do you keep a journal Ashley-Kate? If you do, you may want to keep a separate one for all the days you feel good, even great. When things are working and going well. I think this is important to keep a record of our good days. Then when your having a rough patch and can't remember that they exist. You can read about them, know how you got to that point and know that the good days will be there again.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Ashley Kate I am glad you got to talk to your Psychologist. Did you tell T what you thought about group therapy how it affects you. Twenty One I hope you can go out and celebrate all you have accomplished and how strong you have been don't be too hard on yourself. From what i see you are a very strong person who has helped not only yourself but others who are struggling. Take care keep trying to be honest with parents okay and T