Ashley-Kate
MVP
I am slowly recovering i think and i believe that it' the first time i can actually say that i am recovering. I hit an ultimate low about a month or 2 ago and lost complete control of my weight loss and of myself. I realized the hard way that i was not ready to leave this earth.
As i am slowly getting back on my feet i am setting boundaries that i never thought i would be able to set but came to th conclusion that my recovery would never be successful until i was able to understand what i really wanted from recovery. So i planned it: the steps i wanted to take and the ones i was not so sure about but know that i will have to take.
I started with the hole food thing knowing that i would never be able to get better if i didn't put some weight back on and reach a healthier size. I then realized that i hate jogging or at least jogging for more than 45 minutes at a time so i stopped it all together. I spent 2 weeks only walking and allowing myself to understand my body at the same time.I went to a Dr. to get test done to see if everything was okay and i came to realize that i had many deficiencies and the bones of a 70 year old at 23 years old. I am allowing my body to rebuild slowly. I am starting rollerblading next week and i am also going rock climbing and next summer sky diving. I went to a movie lat night with my boyfriend and sat through th hole movie something that i thought i would never want to do because simply sitting was something i could not do. I allowed myself to sleep in this morning. I chose to only do sports that i enjoy and that I can do with others i will go jogging again probably not alone at first. I noticed that when i have someone with me i fallow their lead when they start to get tired i slow down i don't rely on my limit because i have none at the moment i rely on others i go for a walk but before leaving i ask if it's a realistic walking distance
i guess i wanted to share this with everyone because all this time i was hoping to find some kind of clue to what recovery is but it's different for everyone. I chose to remain vegetarian but some may see that as restriction i chose to remain in a extremely healthy way of eating not in restricting but simply in eating thins that are good for my body i will allow myself treats but i simply want to feed my body good stuff for a while. I chose to seek therapy from a psychologist that is not specialized because i realized that my eating disorder is a symptom of so much more and after spending most of my life trying to fix ED i realized i didn't need to fix it i needed to understand why it existed and fix that. I am with my boyfriend that has been with me through the ups and downs of the last year. I have came so far ad eve want to go back I still purge in the last 2 weeks i haven't though I chose not to count the days but rather how many times in a month I feel less discouraged if i slip one day.
I have so much more friends now and i feel so much more useful i feel like i am a part of the relationships i have rather than something that won't be missed i feel loved and i can love others now. I am happier and i feel stronger as well. I am terrified of saying recovery or that i am recovered because that seems to make me feel like if i screw up i am no good yet i think i will always use the terms in recovery. I may not have symptoms for many years one day but i feel that the term in recovery will always describe were i am at because i will always try to learn new ways to perfect my recovery to get as far ways from the eating disorder as possible. I will always acknowledge it's presence in my life but i don't ever want to go back to were i was not long ago.
thank you all
As i am slowly getting back on my feet i am setting boundaries that i never thought i would be able to set but came to th conclusion that my recovery would never be successful until i was able to understand what i really wanted from recovery. So i planned it: the steps i wanted to take and the ones i was not so sure about but know that i will have to take.
I started with the hole food thing knowing that i would never be able to get better if i didn't put some weight back on and reach a healthier size. I then realized that i hate jogging or at least jogging for more than 45 minutes at a time so i stopped it all together. I spent 2 weeks only walking and allowing myself to understand my body at the same time.I went to a Dr. to get test done to see if everything was okay and i came to realize that i had many deficiencies and the bones of a 70 year old at 23 years old. I am allowing my body to rebuild slowly. I am starting rollerblading next week and i am also going rock climbing and next summer sky diving. I went to a movie lat night with my boyfriend and sat through th hole movie something that i thought i would never want to do because simply sitting was something i could not do. I allowed myself to sleep in this morning. I chose to only do sports that i enjoy and that I can do with others i will go jogging again probably not alone at first. I noticed that when i have someone with me i fallow their lead when they start to get tired i slow down i don't rely on my limit because i have none at the moment i rely on others i go for a walk but before leaving i ask if it's a realistic walking distance
i guess i wanted to share this with everyone because all this time i was hoping to find some kind of clue to what recovery is but it's different for everyone. I chose to remain vegetarian but some may see that as restriction i chose to remain in a extremely healthy way of eating not in restricting but simply in eating thins that are good for my body i will allow myself treats but i simply want to feed my body good stuff for a while. I chose to seek therapy from a psychologist that is not specialized because i realized that my eating disorder is a symptom of so much more and after spending most of my life trying to fix ED i realized i didn't need to fix it i needed to understand why it existed and fix that. I am with my boyfriend that has been with me through the ups and downs of the last year. I have came so far ad eve want to go back I still purge in the last 2 weeks i haven't though I chose not to count the days but rather how many times in a month I feel less discouraged if i slip one day.
I have so much more friends now and i feel so much more useful i feel like i am a part of the relationships i have rather than something that won't be missed i feel loved and i can love others now. I am happier and i feel stronger as well. I am terrified of saying recovery or that i am recovered because that seems to make me feel like if i screw up i am no good yet i think i will always use the terms in recovery. I may not have symptoms for many years one day but i feel that the term in recovery will always describe were i am at because i will always try to learn new ways to perfect my recovery to get as far ways from the eating disorder as possible. I will always acknowledge it's presence in my life but i don't ever want to go back to were i was not long ago.
thank you all
