Ashley-Kate
MVP
I haven't posted in a while mostly because i have been struggling a lot and finding the time to write when my head is completely out of control is really not easy. I am still on the waiting list for the day program i have been on this waiting list for about 4 months now.. Its a very long waiting list..
My psychologist is now seeing me every 2 weeks and i have group every week. The group is really mostly about teaching us what eating disorders its basically designed for people that are getting help for the first time... really not for me..
My psychologist is new at the program and well our appointments are basically the same she askes me what i eat what i do for exercises and then she weighs me that's pretty much it..
I have been getting worst because well talking about what i eat doesnt really make me feel good about myself and her reacting to my weight loss doesnt help either. she made a whole speech about how she can't just let me continue on like this yet her hands are tied because there is no place in the program yet and until i am in the program she has to do all the nutritional work with me and well nothing is helping i feel that waiting for the program to become available has made me worse. Focusing on the behaviors rather than the cause doesn't help at all and she keeps repeating the same stupid thing and it drive me insane " thats the disorder talking" everytime i say something - its the "disorder talking" as if anything i feel whether it be i am disgusted with myself i feel too much overwhelmed heavy.. its always the e-d thats talking... she basically denies i exist in that turmoil i hate it.. yet i need it..
i dont know what to do to try and stay above water when i have been sinking latly. They keep on telling me to hang on yet i have been hanging in there for a while now and my capacity to hang in there reached its end.. i am tired i am lost i hate this i hate me i hate this blob of a thing that i am i feel stuck.
My psychologist is now seeing me every 2 weeks and i have group every week. The group is really mostly about teaching us what eating disorders its basically designed for people that are getting help for the first time... really not for me..
My psychologist is new at the program and well our appointments are basically the same she askes me what i eat what i do for exercises and then she weighs me that's pretty much it..
I have been getting worst because well talking about what i eat doesnt really make me feel good about myself and her reacting to my weight loss doesnt help either. she made a whole speech about how she can't just let me continue on like this yet her hands are tied because there is no place in the program yet and until i am in the program she has to do all the nutritional work with me and well nothing is helping i feel that waiting for the program to become available has made me worse. Focusing on the behaviors rather than the cause doesn't help at all and she keeps repeating the same stupid thing and it drive me insane " thats the disorder talking" everytime i say something - its the "disorder talking" as if anything i feel whether it be i am disgusted with myself i feel too much overwhelmed heavy.. its always the e-d thats talking... she basically denies i exist in that turmoil i hate it.. yet i need it..
i dont know what to do to try and stay above water when i have been sinking latly. They keep on telling me to hang on yet i have been hanging in there for a while now and my capacity to hang in there reached its end.. i am tired i am lost i hate this i hate me i hate this blob of a thing that i am i feel stuck.
