11 months clean and sober today and relapsed

[kelsischanging]

Today would have been 11 months clean and sober for me. I went to 34 day inpatient rehab, I've been through the 12 steps of AA and today I just couldn't take it any longer. I drank. Not only did I drink but I drank during my lunch break at work. Something I never did even during the worst of my addiction.

I justified the action by saying that I'm extremely suicidal to the point where I have the means and a date and I don't care if I die sober. Now that I've relapsed, it only made me feel better for short while and I don't know what I want. I still have two months until I plan to end it all and I'm not sure I want to be drunk and sick for the whole time. Then again it does make me feel better for a time.

So confused. So lost.

 

[rdw]

I guess my question would be is to ask what triggered you today? I'd also like to know the level and types of support you've had over the past 11 months - where is that support? And what makes you think that you should end your life - hey Kelsey we're all here to help. And while I'm sad to hear that you relapsed I'm sure happy to hear from you again.

 

[kelsischanging]

The relapse has been a long time coming. Nothing in particular set it off today. Just kind of worked out. As far as the ending my life, my depression has just been awful lately. In the past year, I've gone to rehab, my step dad died and I found out I'm loosing my job because of a bank merger. So regretting the drinking now. So sick.

 

[rdw]

I bet you're sick - is there anyone you could call through your 12 step program who could offer you immediate support? I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your stepfather. The loss of any family member makes recovery and mental health more difficult to deal with. What can we do to help you? What do you need?

 

[forgetmenot]

Loss of a loved one and your job as well no wonder you slipped up so much stress. I too hope you reach out NOW ok to AA members to your councilor someone a clergy person someone you trust ok.

 

[kelsischanging]

It's morning and I'm seeing things a little more clearly. I'm going to reach out to my friends in AA and my pastor. Now to make it through work :/

 

[gooblax]

Glad to hear you've got a clearer positive way forward.

 

[Retired]

Kelsey,

Reaching out for support is a sign of your strength and determination to work toward recovery. Use the opportunity of this relapse to learn from it so you can be stronger in the future.

Thank you for sharing your situation with us.