Let me just say initially, that I am not proud of how I reacted yesterday. I knew better but it was like watching myself from the outside in.
When I was 7 years old, I was molested by a teenaged girl and I never talked about it until long after I became an adult. And, I grew up with a mother who gave me everything she could except affection. My Mom hugged me for the first time when I was 19 years old and I was in bad shape then. Bluntly stated, I am triggered by women who get too close to me, who try and hug me, reach out and touch me, or who make me feel like I'm suffocating. I can only handle women if I'm initiating. In contrast, I feel very comfortable around nurturing men because I feel safe enough to drop my guard a bit with the exception of my brother who terrifies me for reasons not associated with anything physical.
I had medical procedure done yesterday. It took 14 minutes. My husband accompanied me as he always does because he's my security blanket. I was very anxious because although I had read about it, I hadn't gone through the process and I had not factored in women. I let the male nurse know that I needed a male nurse and no women around me. As long as the nurse was there, I was fine. The minute the women nurses showed up, I freaked out. One of them was demanding information from me that my husband was very capable of providing, but she wanted it from me and I just went blank. Out of my mouth flew this barrage of words that let folks know I did not and would not allow a woman to touch me. In those moments, I was terrified. Over the years, I have cultivated a few women friends who understand and accept me as is. Once those women left, I was able to calm down for the procedure as the male nurse continued to talk to me and I even shook his hand to thank him. While the procedure was going on, not one female touched me. They respected my position. I knew they were there and I held my ground. I told my therapist (a woman) about this when I saw her today. She and I have had tense encounters. However, I know that she's there for me.
I need to get past this and I'm afraid. My fear is completely irrational and it leaves me feeling helpless.
When I was 7 years old, I was molested by a teenaged girl and I never talked about it until long after I became an adult. And, I grew up with a mother who gave me everything she could except affection. My Mom hugged me for the first time when I was 19 years old and I was in bad shape then. Bluntly stated, I am triggered by women who get too close to me, who try and hug me, reach out and touch me, or who make me feel like I'm suffocating. I can only handle women if I'm initiating. In contrast, I feel very comfortable around nurturing men because I feel safe enough to drop my guard a bit with the exception of my brother who terrifies me for reasons not associated with anything physical.
I had medical procedure done yesterday. It took 14 minutes. My husband accompanied me as he always does because he's my security blanket. I was very anxious because although I had read about it, I hadn't gone through the process and I had not factored in women. I let the male nurse know that I needed a male nurse and no women around me. As long as the nurse was there, I was fine. The minute the women nurses showed up, I freaked out. One of them was demanding information from me that my husband was very capable of providing, but she wanted it from me and I just went blank. Out of my mouth flew this barrage of words that let folks know I did not and would not allow a woman to touch me. In those moments, I was terrified. Over the years, I have cultivated a few women friends who understand and accept me as is. Once those women left, I was able to calm down for the procedure as the male nurse continued to talk to me and I even shook his hand to thank him. While the procedure was going on, not one female touched me. They respected my position. I knew they were there and I held my ground. I told my therapist (a woman) about this when I saw her today. She and I have had tense encounters. However, I know that she's there for me.
I need to get past this and I'm afraid. My fear is completely irrational and it leaves me feeling helpless.
