A New Journey

[freetobeme]

My name is Diane and I am the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother and a father who has no voice. We are currently estranged which I am sure is a permanant condition. I was and still am the good girl who could never please or do anything right. I spent the first 18 years of my life being so quiet and shy, fearful of everything and anything, suffering almost nightly from the most bizarre symbolic kind of dream that I vividly remember it to this day. I left home at eighteen, and though I remained in their lives from the day I left that day was really my birthday. Though shaped by my upbringing by these two dysfunctional people I was at least physcially free, though psychologicaly shaped for life by my treatment and upbringing. I found this site during the middle of the night reading about narcissistic mothers. I hope to join in the conversation and gain insight and support. Through our recent estrangment I have actually found peace, though the heart will always bear the scars of a life filled with the wonder of what I might have been, had I been loved, supported and encouraged in my early years.

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: Freetobeme :welcome: to Psychlinks.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome, freetobeme.

 

[Jackie]

Welcome

 

[Andy]

Welgome freetobeme:beer2:

 

[Daniel E.]

:welcome2:

 

[forgetmenot]

Welcome glad your here

 

[freetobeme]

Amazing! Thank you so much for all the welcome messages. When I have more time, usually late at night when I can't sleep, I will participate in a dialogue. I am interested in hearing more of your life stories and sharing mine with you so that we might find a wholeness in our shared experiences. I have only come to realize by searching the web what NPD is. I have a lot to learn. Peace to you all.

---------- Post added at 10:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:10 PM ----------

Does anyone know if there is a link between narcissism, panic attack and agoraphobia? My mother suffers from all of these. Since her retirement many years ago she became worse, sometimes losing her bowels when going out due to panic attack therefore further hindering her ability to leave the house. All of these things worsened after her retirement.
What effect does ageing have on narcissim? Thanks

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Before you go too far with this line of thought, freetobe, has someone diagnosed your mother with narcisisstic personality disorder? or are you assuming that from reading about the criteria for NPD?

 

[freetobeme]

Yes, I am assuming from reading about the disorder.

I actually started seeing it in her after we ended our relationship with my sister in 2000. I searched all kinds of mental disorders to figure out what was wrong with her. I see a lot of similarities between her and my mother. However, it is a lot harder to lose your relationship with your mother. But her and my father moved in with me last year, they lasted nine months. I came home from work one day and they had moved out without telling me where they were going.

I could not be the little girl I once was. I stood up for myself through all of her insults and put downs. Everything I do bothers her. I have friends, she says friends are nothing but trouble. She watched me an comments on everything I do and how I do it so she can be critical of it. Everything that is good about me she tries to make me feel bad about.

My father in order to survive does everything for her and has to agree with everything she says. She tells him to do it, how to do it, when to do it and if it is not right she is verbally abusive. He was an alcoholic and my childhood is filled with terrible memories of their fights. She used to attack him and yell and swear and carry on and on. She would ask me, her young daughter if I thought she should stay with him. She left us once for two weeks when I was in high school. She claims she sat in her car on the railroad tracks waiting got a train to come and kill her. But she was saved by some guy they knew from the local bar and he took her to Texas where his mo her and sister cared for her. I never really heard what really happened.

At my wedding she stood up loudly in front of everyone and asked at the top of her voice if my husband had a vasectomy. The attention always has to be on her. She does it better, faster, easier etc. etc. You never have a chance to feel good about yourself.

But I do feel good about myself. I am a survivor of these two people. I work, I volunteer, I have hobbies, a home, friends, and am happy with myself. I won't let her kill any of that and that is why she left. She lost the control to destroy me and make me the scared child I once was.

Whether or not she has been diagnosed, something is very wrong with a wife and mother who has no compassion for her husband and children, but demands compassion for herself. When I was a little girl, if I got cut or hurt, she would shove me into a neighbors door for them to fix me up. Everywhere we went I would lag behind as she yelled a some poor salesperson about what was wrong with something she bought. I would never bring people home to my house because I never knew what might happen. I did not really have any real friends anyway. She never let me play sports, or be a Brownie or a Girl Scout. I felt isolated and lonely as a child. All I had was a home of discord. So I diagnosed her so I could make sense of her for myself.

Since she is gone, and she will never speak to me again, it doesn't really matter. But the stories other people tell matters, it means I am not alone in my life experience with my mother.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yes, I am assuming from reading about the disorder.... Whether or not she has been diagnosed, something is very wrong with a wife and mother who has no compassion for her husband and children, but demands compassion for herself... I diagnosed her so I could make sense of her for myself.

I'm not trying to debate whether or not she was a good mother. But there are reasons why the legal right to diagnose is restricted and why diagnosing yourself or a family member is a bad idea.

I get that looking at your mother with an eye on what you've read about narcissistic personality disorder might be helpful for you to understand why she is the way she is. But my question was prompted by this:

Does anyone know if there is a link between narcissism, panic attack and agoraphobia? My mother suffers from all of these. Since her retirement many years ago she became worse, sometimes losing her bowels when going out due to panic attack therefore further hindering her ability to leave the house. All of these things worsened after her retirement. What effect does ageing have on narcissim?

That suggests that you have already firmly concluded that a specific diagnosis applies to your mother and goes on to ask what to expect from her based on that diagnosis. My point is that if she has not been diagnosed by a mental health professional with the expertise to provide a diagnosis, the questions are at best premature and any answers given to those questions would be quite possibly misleading.

 

[Jazzey]

Just sneaking in to welcome you freetobeme