About me

[murdock]

Hello again,
I didn't start by introducing myself, but I think it's never too late.

I'm in my 20's, I'm a university student, taking Computer Science.
I grew up in a very religious atmosphere, even though I lost my faith and became agnostic/atheist long ago. But that in adition of going to school in a "higher social class" neighborhood provided me some exclusion and subsquent lack of social skills.

In that aspect, I thing I've improved a lot in the last few years, but there is still a long road ahead and I still sometimes pay for that, like having trouble establishing a relationship.

More about me: I enjoy reading, games and going to the movies, especially comedy and adventure and I'm always following a TV series, usually comedy, as it works like a natural anti-depressive for me.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Welcome!

 

[murdock]

Thank you!

 

[Retired]

Murdock,

Glad you have found us on Psychlinks. We hope you find information and support you might need.

Social skills and relationship building are learned skills that require practice, and on occasion there might be failures. Obviously we are not compatible with all people, and sometimes people we meet are not always the same after getting to know them better.

Today's technology of computer communication, texting, email etc seems to get in the way of person to person, face to face communication. Many believe technology is responsible for decrease in social skills, so to overcome that handicap, we need to make an effort to congregate with friends and family in person to person activities.

I'm always following a TV series, usually comedy, as it works like a natural anti-depressive for me.

Your comment is interesting in that you have shared with us that there are times that you might have periods of depressed mood. While it is perfectly normal for each of us to feel sadness or to be sluggish from time to time, there is a difference when one experiences feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, loss of energy and feeling isolated.

Are you saying that you occasionally feel a bit down, but after laughing through a comedy show you feel better, or do the feelings continue for days and perhaps weeks?

 

[murdock]

Today's technology of computer communication, texting, email etc seems to get in the way of person to person, face to face communication. Many believe technology is responsible for decrease in social skills, so to overcome that handicap, we need to make an effort to congregate with friends and family in person to person activities.

I try to hang out as much as I can with my friends, at least with the more closed ones, and that is one of the things that mostly helped me expand my skills over the last years. I think I only started to have real friends when I was about 16 or 17, when I moved from the part of the city I used to live in to a more rural area. When I look back at those days, I see now I was trully a mess in dealling with people. Curiously, it was then when I started to get more into technology and later made me chose Computer Science. I'm not big on texting and e-mailling, but I always have a instant messaging client open to contact with my friends. I think that also helps me mantaining my mood, knowing that there is always someone that I'm able to comunicate at the moment.

Are you saying that you occasionally feel a bit down, but after laughing through a comedy show you feel better, or do the feelings continue for days and perhaps weeks?

It depends there I times I feel a bit down for the moment, and end up feeling better afterwards. However, as I am continuously turned down, I get periods where I get depressed for a longer time. Time and little distractions help me get over, but I think there is always that hole of solitude.
I'm able to interest some women enough to go out in a first date, but generally ends there. I don't think that they are ever really enthusiastic, they go more in a mood of "why not?". I think my greatest issues at the moment are not in what to say to make a conversation interesting, but how to say it, as much on what posture should I have. I came to understand that much depends on image and presence is something I believe I lack of.

 

[Andy]

Welcome to PsychLinks murdock:2thumbs:

 

[Retired]

Some suggestions that come to mind, Murdock would be to first have a complete medical checkup and discuss your mood difficulties with your doctor. If you are in University, often there are student health services where you can be seen by a physician. Otherwise, make an appointment with your family doctor, and if you don't have a personal physician at this time, this would be a good time to join a local doctor's practice as a new patient. Look for a doctor who has recently graduated, as young doctors are more enthusiastic, have recent training and you would probably feel more comfortable with a physician closer to your own age.

Next, look into joining a group whose purpose is to refine your self confidence, train you in public speaking and provide you with guidance in how to best present yourself. All these skills are important life skills not only for social contact but also for when you enter the job market.

Some examples of such organizations, that we know in North America, and may have international affiliates are Toastmasters and Dale Carnegie. You may be familiar with others.

I think my greatest issues at the moment are not in what to say to make a conversation interesting, but how to say it, as much on what posture should I have

Would you give some examples of such a situation?

 

[murdock]

Medically I know I'm fine, the only biological mood alterer is occasion sleep deprivation subsquent of study and projects from university.
I used to have a therapist and have occasional sessions to talk about my problems and seek advice, but I fad to cut down on that. Both because of financial issues as around this parts and unfortunatly there is still much prejudice associated with it, even in familly.

I don't live in the States, but on the other side of Athlantic Ocean, in Portugal.

Would you give some examples of such a situation?

I have difficulty in projecting my voice and it's very hard for me to do work presentations, for example. This lack of eloquence sometimes seems to bore or even annoy some people.

Another thing is the way I dress. Even though I don't deal with mocking kids anymore, it seems that personal style and trademarks are still important. I don't thing I dress bad, but only feel confortable dressing a rather traditional style and I'm a big critic in buying expensive clothes when similar are sold for a lower price.
I have to say, I always found fashion and tendencies and the "beauty" culture an unecessary dictatorship.
Of course I make an effort to fit in, but there is always this internal conflict.

Then there is the choice of words. The same thing can be sayed on smarter ways to catch someone's interest and that along my difficult in projecting my voice seems to make me loose credibility.

Another thing I find important to mention is also my difficult in understanding other's intentions. My lack of social skills also include not undestanding many social signs and conventions and therefore I have a great trouble in reading people and act accordingly.

 

[Retired]

Murdock,

You may wish to investigate Toastmasters International, a worldwide organization that helps people develop communication and leadership skills.

Find an affiliate in Portugal HERE

Their website even offers some free resources HERE

No one is expected to conform to many of the silly fashion fads that cost a lot of money and often look foolish. On the other hand, depending on your social circle and more important your present or future work environment, to maintain your credibility, you need to consider at least some degree of conformity to what is expected of the group, within the reasonable limits of your budget.

Individualism is OK, but if you work in a bank or in a law firm, you cannot expect to show up at work wearing a swim suit.mg:

No one here can or will suggest any diagnosis, Murdock, but if you are concerned about any changes in your mood or sleep patterns that affect your quality of life, you would be wel advised to discuss this with your doctor.

 

[murdock]

Murdock,

You may wish to investigate Toastmasters International, a worldwide organization that helps people develop communication and leadership skills.

Find an affiliate in Portugal HERE

Their website even offers some free resources HERE

Thanks, i'll definetly look into that.

Of course, and fortunatly those places expect you to be dressed with a traditional suit. My usual outfit consists in a regular pair of trousers or jeans and a casual shirt or sweatshirt or something like that, so it is not socially unapropriate. More modern pieces of clothes or hairstyles or whatever is used to "differ" from the general crowd are the things that make me unconfortable in using.

 

[metalhealth]

Welcome!

 

[murdock]

Welcome!

Thank you, welcome as well.

 

[murdock]

Just to say I had my first session with Toastmasters and I enjoyed quite well.

 

[Retired]

first session with Toastmasters

Wonderful news and thank you for letting us know. We have other members on the Forum who have found Toastmasters to be helpful and I hope you do as well.

Would you describe what took place during your first meeting?

 

[murdock]

First there was a general introduction to and from guests, also it was announced what would be the word-of-the-day, to rightly use as much as one can. Afterwords there were 3 planned speeches: the first what they called "The Breaking Ice" the first planned speech of one member, without special rules, and then two "Vocal Variety" speeches, where speakers had to create a context where they had to adapt their voice to emphatise the idea. All these speeches were evaluated by everyone watching.

Next there were five improvise speeches, were there were asked 5 volunteers to give a 2 minute speech about a subject given on the moment. I volunteered for the last one. Even though I was no match for all other speaker in the club who have spoken in that night, I thought to myself "why not, that's what I'm here for, is it not?". However the subject given to my had to do with enterprise issues, and that was really not an area that I could work well with without preparation so that was a bit more complicated for me than it should.

After that the "official" evaluators spoke about every intervinient (candidate?) and pointed out their ups and downs. There was an evaluator for each speech component from correct usage of the language to expressivity.

 

[Retired]

Thank you for sharing your first experience and what had taken place at your fisrt Toastmasters meeting.

Understanding English is not your first language, I respectfuly took the liberty of correcting some spelling as well as highlighting two terms I was not certain of their context.

Let us know what the bolded terms are meant to describe.

Now that you have gone through their initiation, do you feel that with their coaching and the exercises you might do, that you can see your skills in communication reaching what you hope to achieve?

It sounds pretty exciting and challenging, but in a supportive and light mannered atmosphere...an excellent environment in which to learn.

If it is practical, perhaps you might care to share some of the actual exercises you will be presenting, so we can share in your progress and learning.

And....please do not feel in any way limited by language, on Psychlinks. Our members are intelligent and many are accustomed to work with people of different language backgrounds. Your English is actually very proficient, with an occasional word that might need clarification.

Looking forward to your further comments.

 

[murdock]

Thank you
I the first expression, I meant emphasize, in portuguese the word is "enfatizar", so it's like a false friend. What I meant was, during the speech, it was meant for the speaker to express an idea to the audience by changing their voice, for example, by imitating another person, or trying to express a feeling that is traditionally related to a specific way of speaking (like fear), etc.
By intervinient I meant every speaker, both from planned speaches as from improvised ones.

I hope it will at least help me improve my speech. To the point of becoming a speaker at the lever of the people I watched yesterday, I have my doubts. Body language and planning and structuring the speach with the roght words and sequence of ideas is something I think I'll eventually achieve their level. As for speacking as loud and as clear, I really don't think I'll reach that level.

I'll share my work as soon I have something.

I haven't, however, seen much work on the leadership component of the club, as advertised, during the meeting. that would be also interesting in exploring.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey there, Murdock... I was socially awkward for a long time. I still am a bit. My problem is I come across sometimes as a know-it-all. lol

I tend to be more of an observer and quiet in new situations or when meeting people for the first time. I am a bit more introverted than extroverted, but I think over the years I have developed my outgoing side a bit more. May I suggest if you can, in addition to or after you have had a chance to check out Toastmasters, I recommend working with other people in a small group setting to further develop your social skills... You would be the expert and you would be teaching them.

For an example, I received a lot of experience dealing with the public when I worked at after-school or summer for programs with kids (and occasionally their parents)... In my case, we had a big echoing gymnasium that we played in a lot of the summer to avoid the heat - you HAVE to speak in a loud voice to be heard in there! Same with if you are on the playground. We were trained for two weeks with leadership skills and First Aid, and then for 6 weeks looked after 30 kids or more between two instructors and maybe some volunteers. lol Maybe there is somewhere in a community centre or summer school that you could teach a small class of kids or adolescence or even adults (whichever is more your comfort level) some basic computer courses, if that's more your style. I have now about 15 years of experience with children's programs, so now I've moved on to other things.

With your excellent computer background, you would be the expert: you would just be learning how to convey what you know into layman's terms so your students could understand and learn from you. If you were unsure about how to accomplish this the first time, maybe someone could accompany you from that Toastmaster's group (or similar group) or someone you know who has taught a similar class, to observe your class a few times and perhaps give you some pointers (we teacher-interns had teachers and school principals do something similar - they would observe for instance, one day on how we stood, or on another day how clear we spoke, or another day how we maintained students' attention, etc -- not everything at once, necessarily). It's a good way to learn how to project your voice, how to use posture, how to 'read' people, and how to keep their attention. Even teachers have to be a little bit like entertainers sometimes! lol You may have to use some creative measures to make things more engaging and meaningful for other people.

Sheesh, I am a big mouth! 8P