Alone?

[JCV]

Hello,
I have been a self imposed loner for 51 yrs, according to family upbringing then marital circumstances. I thank god for internet. It is an impersonal anonamous and private venue for me to break out of my lonliness in stages and I hope that finally this will work. Because I think I'm going nuts.

 

[Daniel E.]

:welcome:

 

[Always Changing]

Hello and Welcome JCV

 

[JCV]

Thank you so much for replying. It is so encouraging.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi JCV i too was so happy when i got the internet met so many people on it It does help hun nice to have you here

 

[Jazzey]

Welcome

 

[JCV]

I guess an automated response was the best I could hope for.

 

[Jazzey]

No, not at all JVC. Sorry. I'm a little quiet today...and a little quiet with people I don't know yet. But the welcome was sincere.

 

[JudyBelmont]

It is not too late to change - have you spoken to a therapist in the recent past? Life can get better, if you get the right type of help! Judy

 

[Andy]

Welcome to Psychlinks JCV! :2thumbs:

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hallo there JCV... Those aren't automated responses, some people like to put in the emoticons from the right-hand side of the forum... They're cute!

And we're trying to cheer you up!

 

[JCV]

My bad, I have been so burned by people that I always expect the worst. Thank you for your sincerity.

---------- Post added October 10th, 2011 at 12:02 AM ---------- Previous post was October 9th, 2011 at 11:58 PM ----------

Thank you Judy for your reply. The cost of a therapist is not an option. If I get help it will have to be thru the internet and others with similar problems who can give advice, or else, I read books and try to help myself. The book reading helps me understand some, but the real problem is to connect with others, that is why I am attempting this here.

---------- Post added at 12:05 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:02 AM ----------

Sorry for my negative approach. I do appreciate your attempts to cheer me up. You are very sweet.

 

[Random]

I hope you find friends but you gotta make a move to do so. Being social is a human need IMO.

 

[AmZ]

Welcome to the forum

I'd ask the same questions that have been asked before. Have you tried to seek out for some help in these areas of your life in which you would like to change?

 

[victoriatcup]

JVC, I am alone too. I know how hard it is to venture forth into unfamiliar territory and try to make friends...and then for some reason, well - at least for me, I am too generous and open about myself to others - seems I have no guards - and I expect others to be the same towards me - but they are not..and suddenly I am ditched and I never find out why. It is not easy to make friends - I remember that old adage: "If you die and can count one friend who you know you can truly trust to be there, you die a very rich human being".

This is no offense to all of you that are here and welcome a person and show your empathy and kindness. In fact, there may be very legitimate reasons why one of the first questions we are asked when we are new to this sight is if we have seen a therapist.

I would like to share how it has impacted me when I am asked if I have seen a therapist right away. I get put off - discouraged - when I just need someone to talk to and I am asked if I have been to a therapist. It completely throws me off and I feel I am being requested to justify myself to others for needing a soft place to fall for a few minutes. I have no ability to pay dues when I first come here...to some degree when asked if I have seen a therapist right away, it feel like I need to atone to those here, first. It thwarts me from the freedom of speech and release I came here for and so desperately needed.... in that one little moment of time I needed no barriers for it is quite possible that just talking with full encouragement to do so, I would work out my own thoughts. Being "stopped" and asked to justify my place here by being asked questions - especially the "have you seen a therapist" question....has left me feeling even more "less than or inadequate" to myself. Sometimes it is just too much to have to answer questions.

Maybe just wait a bit first before asking. Let the person who sought a soft place to fall get their "sea legs" first, get a bit comfy here and a chance to know they have found a safe place to lay their heart. Maybe they will reveal their therapist history, initially - then appropriate suggestions can be made from that point.

I want to share this with you who are more familiar here because I am also extremely lonely. I feel loneliness is a very vulnerable place to be and in this area of emotional challenge, it is like the last path, too often. How that loneliness comes to us, whether by being ostracized by a life circumstance of no fault of our own or self imposed exile....it is having lost our place of "belonging" in the world - and it is more devastating than any depression or anxiety I have ever felt - loneliness creates an actual physical pain (DVM-moderator posted an article here about that) that is unlike any pain I have ever felt - it is the worst emotional challenge I have ever faced and I don't think others understand how delicate a time of life it is when we have no where that we "belong".

Not to have support of family or friends is enough loneliness...trying to make friends, figuring out how to recognize whether someone can be trusted before we venture deeper within that relationship....and yes, even with a therapist....skills need to be learned first so we can recognize that in our vulnerability, we have the insight to protect ourselves from getting entrenched in *another* place of "belonging" and as to whether it is a healthy friendship of possibility or not, so as not to risk being ostracized again. I know all of us have that same challenge, in the face of deep loneliness, it is particularly difficult.

Lonely people feel so not okay ...most people have at least one person in their life that they can pick up the phone and call...but when you have no one you can call and no one ever contacts you...that is the most horrid place to be in life. To be told being social is a human need.... it is why we came here in the first place - that is palpable within us every second of our existence - that is what we are telling you, who are here to receive our words.

Again, I mean no disrespect to those who have commented. Not one of us can know another enough to say, "what you got to do is or what you need to do is".... to be told this just further entrenches that feeling of failure.... and perhaps we have already tried the things suggested.

JCV, I also am not able to secure a therapist and have to do my own research. I hope you come back again and read this because I would love to walk this road to a place of "belonging" with you. For those here who have not experienced this level of loneliness, there is an excellent book that describes our very human need to have a place where we can "belong" that has given this lonely woman solace and hope and encouragement. This book is all encompassing describing levels I didn't know existed where this loneliness touched me...as well as the rewards brought to a life where all the fluff and glitter and things that bring us away from knowing ourselves will reveal.

Eternal Echoes by John O'Donahue. He states in the prologue: The hunger to belong is at the heart of our nature. Cut off from others, we atrophy and turn in on ourselves. The sense of belonging is the natural balance of our lives. Mostly, we do not need to make an issue of belonging. When we belong, we take is for granted. There is some innocent, child like side to the human heart that is always deeply hurt when we are excluded. No one was created for isolation. When we become isolated, we are prone to being damaged; our minds lose their flexibility and natural kindness; we become vulnerable to fear and negativity. The sense of belonging keeps you in balance amidst the inner and outer immensities. The ancient and eternal values of human life - truth, unity, goodness, justice, beauty and love are all statements of true belonging; they are also the secret intention and dream of human longing.

That bit in the prologue alone helped me understand how vital it is to make friends and have a place where we "belong" ...it is a different approach of exploration of all of our needs to belong in this world.

JCV did seek out help, she came here. I hope she comes back.

Thank you for reading my thoughts on loneliness and again, I appreciate all the attempts made to help another and don't mean anyone disrespect for their words.

---------- Post added at 03:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:11 PM ----------

ooops...I meant "Daniel - MVP" posted an article regarding the pain of silent treatment, being ostracized, etc. I believe it was from Purdue Univesity?

 

[making_art]

Wow, Victoriatcup.....I hear you. Thanks for that!

 

[victoriatcup]

Wow, yourself, Make_art ~ I am glad my words fell gently for you in some fashion. It was daring for me to say those words, I am trying to learn to be me and dare venture out of my comfort zone. Thank you, as well, is in order from me to you.

 

[making_art]

It was great...I agree. I'm not one to venture out of my comfort zone much.

 

[Budoaiki]

JVC,

I think it was Confucius who said every journey begins with a single step or something along those lines. (Couldn't find my book or the direct quote on-line.) You have already made the choice to make a change, something that takes courage now all you have to do is apply it.