Am I blocking my grief?

[Crazy Cat]

Hello,

My mom passed away two weeks ago. :sob: We were close and had a good relationship. While she was in the hospital, I stayed overnight with her several times. We didn't know how bad she was and none of us (her 8 children-all adult) expected things to end this way.

I have had moments of crying, but I haven't really "broken down" yet. When my dad died 7 years ago, I was inconsolable for months. Part of that grief was how my mom was so lonely and missed him so much. They were married over 55 years.

I always told my husband that if anything ever happened to my mom that he'd have to put me away. Now, I feel like there is something wrong with me that I'm not crying like I did with dad's passing.

I realized today that I may be blocking my grief. We even started cleaning out her house and I still felt like she was there. I know none of us believed what had happened and we all thought she was going home soon. She had 4 doctors - one said she was doing great (heart), one said she had a 50/50 chance & things didn't look good (respiratory), one said he didn't know (kidney), etc. At one point when she had been doing very well the night before and I got a call in the morning that she had to be reintubated, I wanted to scream so loud and got SO VERY angry.

How do I stop blocking it? Like I said, I do have moments but its like I still believe she's still alive. One thing I can say is that when she passed at the hospital and especially at her viewing, she didn't look anything like herself. So it almost felt like I was looking at someone else.

I'm just so confused. I've always been emotional and this lack of it scares me.

:sob:Adriane

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Just give it time, Crazy Cat.

I suspect that at present you are feeling numb as a result of a mixture of strong feelings that have left you feeling overwhelmed and uncertain how to respond. This isn't uncommon. In some ways you are probably on autopilot at the moment.

There is no timetable for grief, either for when it begins or when it ends. You will feel what you feel when you are ready and able to allow yourself to feel.

 

[Jazzey]

I'm so sorry for your loss Adriane. Please lean on us when you need to. :hug::hug: And as Dr. Baxter said, give yourself a little slack where your grieving process is involved. We all grieve differently - there's no shame in grieving in your own way right now.

 

[Meg]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Adriane :hug::hug:

 

[Fiver]

I am so, so sorry for you loss, Adriane. It's true, grief does it's thing in it's own time in it's own way according to what signals it gets from parts we don't fully get to control. It sounds like your mind is protecting you by allowing gradients of grief to sink in as you become ready to accept it. Just because you're not feeling a tangible reaction doesn't mean your mom meant any less to you, or that there's anything messed up in your head. Grief is unique to each individual, and as you already know, we also often grieve differently from one death to the next. Grief has its own agenda.

I have not yet fallen apart, either. I sobbed in the arms of a trusted friend in the wee hours of the morning after my dad died, but it was very brief -- and I've not done it since, nor have I felt on the verge of it. I'm sure it will come if it needs to, and when I'm ready. Don't pace yourself against what you've seen from others or what you think is proper. I mean, heck, while my family and friends were still at the funeral luncheon, I was committing larceny at my dad's house. It looked entirely improper, I'm sure, but you better believe it was the right thing for me.^*

The thing is, Adriane, whatever you're feeling and doing right now is exactly what you're supposed to be feeling and doing right now. Be good to yourself today, you deserve it.




^*Note: Neither the author of this post nor the owner of this domain condone or recommend petty larceny as a way to assuage or handle grief. Furthermore, if confronted, the author will deny everything and insist that any allusion to stealing a banjo is pure literary or dramatic license for illustrative and entertainment purposes only. Void where prohibited, must be 18 years of age or older. Original receipt and packaging must be presented for refund. Offer not valid in Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands, and especially not valid in Newfoundland. Sorry.

 

[Crazy Cat]

Thank you all for your support and condolences. Even though I know that grief is unique to each situation, I guess I just am caught unexpectedly by surprise that I haven't had a melt-down. For the record, I suffer from major depression, BP2, BPD, ADHD. You would think with all that, I'd be a basket case by now. Well, I expected it and it didn't come yet.

A family member sent me some photos of my mom from this last Christmas. I loved looking at them and I found myself stopping myself from getting teary or even thinking that my mom was even sick. Is it possible I've convinced myself I'll "crack up" if I let it out?

Fiver - LOVE your disclaimer. I'll be sure not to pilfer any banjos any time soon. (although my brother already took my grandfather's mandolin).

 

[songbird]

My deepest sympathies go out to you and your family with the loss of your mom Crazy Cat. I also agree with Dr. Baxter, there is no timetable for grief. When I lost my brother, and he was terminally ill for several years, so we were expecting it, just not so soon. It took me over a month to 'allow' myself to really grieve. Part of me had already done so much grieving with his illness being terminal while he was still with us. I actually scheduled an evening to grieve, because like you I found myself stopping the emotions. I set up an evening, forced myself to watch all the family videos of him, look at all his pics, etc. It worked for me, as far as getting the initial shock and acceptance out. But the actual grieving process, missing that person, special occasions never really goes away, but over time it does get easier to remember them and miss them without being overwhelmed or feeling so vulnerable to the emotions that come with the loss.

I'm not suggesting that you do what I did, I just want to let you know that I too was struggling with repressing grief and not to put pressure on yourself or feel bad about that, it's a stage of grief, the denial, you will cry and grieve when your heart, mind and body says you are ready. Right now it's just too much for you. It's a built in self protective mechanism when the pain is too much for us to handle.

hugs,

songbird

 

[white page]

My heart goes out to you Crazy Cat, I am so very sorry for your loss.:support:

 

[Andy]

I am sorry for your loss as well, Crazy Cat. :support: