Arrgg

[Eye Stigmata]

I'm not totally depressed again, but I feel myself resorting back to old ways...mainly the cutting. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did a few weeks ago - but I think the main cause of my cutting this time is my mom.
We've never really gotten along...I had about 10 different nannies between when I was 1 month old and 14 years old, so I was never able to bond with my mom, I never saw my mom during the week, and if I did it was maximum 1 - 2 hours, and then I saw her on weekends. I don't know why we fight so much, but its usually her that instigates it, she is very picky about EVERYTHING being done a certain way, at a certain time ect ect. and when I dont do it right I get screamed at and called names...names I won't even type on here because they are so awful.
I wish there were something I could do to please her more but she just has such high expectations, I feel like I'm always getting in trouble....hmmm

And I've officially given up on my therapist, she's crazier than I am.

 

[Banned]

I'm sorry things are tough right now, MM. I'm not in the greatest frame of mind myself to be giving advice, but I wonder if moving out (I get the impression you still live at home?) is an option for you.

Also, the first therapist you had might not have been the right one but I wouldn't give up the search. There are fantastic ones out there that can help you.

I forget if you said if you're on medication or not, and whether you were seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Those can all influence treatment as well.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

No worries Turtle

I'm fine....I just take things out on myself when it's too much to handle, it's like there is so much pressure under my skin I have to release it out. But it's all good. My mom will probably continue to be crazy for the rest of her life, and I am planning on moving out in a few years, there is no way in hell I could afford it right now, with the car payments + recent tickets(bah )
phone bill, groceries ect ect, there is no way, I probably could, but I wouldn't be able to save as much for the store.

I am on meds, I haven't been taking them everyday, which is part of the problem, I forget too often.
A friend of mine also passed away a few days ago, so it's just been up and down.
There is no way im going back to that therapist, I don't think she is the right type for me, I need someone I can connect with, someone who cares and isnt just looking for the paycheck

 

[Halo]

Turtle has definitely given you some good advice and the first one would be to move out if that is at all possible. The other option that I thought of is, would it be possible to do some sort of family therapy with your mom to help you both learn to get along better?

As for giving up on your therapist....I can understand that not all therapists are great or even good but there are a lot of great ones out there and it takes time to find one that will fit with you. Don't give up after testing the waters with just one....there are so many more that can help and they are worth finding.

As for the cutting, have you checked out the Self-Injury Forum to see if there are other things that you can do to release the pent up feelings instead of cutting? There are a lot of great resources in that forum. This one may be a good starting point Self-help ideas for people that self injure - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Take care

 

[Halo]

I'm fine....I just take things out on myself when it's too much to handle, it's like there is so much pressure under my skin I have to release it out. But it's all good.

I am a little confused by what you are saying here. First you say you are fine but then say you are going to take it out on yourself and then say its all good again...can I ask which one it is?

Are you fine and all good and you were just venting above about your mom or are you telling us that you are going to continue to engage in cutting because you are not getting the responses or suggestions that you had hoped?

I am just trying to clarify here so I have a better understanding.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

I'm fine most of the time......
But I do take things out on myself when its too much to handle. I don't know why people really care..

I didn't realize you replied twice Halo, I only saw the second one for some reason.

Family therapy is a big NO NO in our family....we tried it once and I ended up getting left on the side of the highway in rush hour traffic on the way home, it was NOT good. So that option is way way out.

The cutting is my last resort way of dealing, I don't do it often, only when the pain in unbearable, its fine

 

[Banned]

MM,

I think you are confused about what it means to be "ok". I'd really encourage you to seek out another counsellor so they can help you sort through all the emotions you experience on a day-to-day basis. Our emotions can confuse and overwhelm us, and identifying the triggers is really important. Also, when we're emotional, we're not in the thinking part of the brain, which is why we make decisions that aren't the best, like cutting.

Have you learned what your triggers are? Perhaps that would be a good first step, so you can develop a strategy to work through the feelings when you're feeling triggered and unsafe. Knowing ahead of time what your triggers are, and having a strategy to deal with them, takes the pressure off when you're "in the moment" of wondering how to deal with it, on top of not being able to think clearly. You've already created an action plan, and then you just have to execute it.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

Ok to me means, I'm not going to kill myself, and I'll feel better in the morning.

I'm not ok I guess.....but I don't know what part of my is broken, or how to fix it.
I think I know what some of my triggers are, but I can't stop from cutting when im really upset, it consumes my mind and then I just do it, and I always feel better after.
Because I focus my pain on something else, and it calms down what really hurts...

 

[Banned]

So maybe a first step would be making a list of all your triggers, and rating them on a scale of 1-10 on how strong they are. Then, beside it, put one thing you can do instead of cutting to distract yourself...maybe it's counting to 100, or using an ice cube instead of a knife, or taking your dog for one lap around the block.

By rating the triggers when you're in an ok state of mind, when you get in a bad state, you can look at your list and see where the trigger is on the list...it can help you say to yourself "it feels really awful now, but it's really only a 6 out of 10, so I can get through this".

Healing isn't going to come by wishing, hoping, dreaming, and ignoring...it's only going to happen if you put the work into it.

 

[Halo]

The cutting is my last resort way of dealing, I don't do it often, only when the pain in unbearable, its fine

Again I think that you are trying to minimize the situation and imply that although you are cutting that it is fine....although anyone that has SI knows that it is not fine. And just to clarify, cutting may feel like a last resort but there really are other things that you can do instead. Again I think talking with a therapist would really help to identify what those are or as I suggested take a look at the thread Ideas for People that Self Injure. There are quite a lot of great suggestions of other things to do when you feel the need to cut.

Ok to me means, I'm not going to kill myself, and I'll feel better in the morning.

I'm not ok I guess.....but I don't know what part of my is broken, or how to fix it.

I don't think that you are suppose to know on your own how to fix it what is broken. That is what a therapist would be useful for. They could help you figure out the parts that are broken and the steps needed to fix it. It is like anything in this world, if you have never been given the tools to fix something, how are you suppose to already know how to do it. You need someone who is an expert to show you.

Healing isn't going to come by wishing, hoping, dreaming, and ignoring...it's only going to happen if you put the work into it.

:goodpost: Turtle is absolutely right...getting better and even wanting to get better takes a lot of work. It does just happen and come to those that say they want it. The work is hard, long and painful but so worth it in order to live a healthier better life.

Take care