Asking for what you need

[David Baxter PhD]

I Feel ? I Want
by Dr. Lisa Holland
August 19, 2010

Many people think that emotions are just something that happens ?to them.? Not so?our emotions are just one of the many ingredients that make up a human.

You are a multi-dimensional human being ? you think and do and work and feel. But emotions get little attention, unless there is some kind of loss, and even then the focus is short lived.

To help my clients get comfortable with the emotional part of their lives, I start with simple acknowledgment.

I?ve learned that most all of us want to feel acknowledged. And sometimes not feeling acknowledged is really about us ? it?s about how we ask for what we need.

The thing is, you?ve got to Know What You Feel AND Know What You Want ? here?s how to get going:

Work backwards, because you will often know what you want to feel before you know exactly what?s bothering you.

1. See yourself: Are you curling in, are your shoulders clinched and up, is your mouth frozen, is your heart racing?

2. Ask yourself, "What do I want?"

• a hug? or no hug?
• to be by yourself?or to be with someone?
• to cry?or to not cry

Then:

3. Answer this question:

I?m ______? (try to use one word, like angry, lonely, frustrated)​

Stop.

Don?t expand the answer with ?because you make me so??. (This will undo what you want to accomplish.)

4. Put it together:

I feel _____________ and I want ________.

For example:

• I feel sad ? I want a hug.
• I feel frustrated ? I want to just be by myself for a few minutes.
• I feel angry ? I want you to just listen to me until I get to the end.

Although emotions will usually be high, most people will respond to the second part of this sentence (what you want) in the way you ask.

Remember that they can?t read your mind. Acknowledge their effort; give what you want to get.

Now, go ahead and ask for what you need.