Battle of good and evil

[Ashley-Kate]

hello,

As i have started my new therapy the whole fact that i might get out of this whole eating disorder maybe not completely but partly sort of came to mind and i must admit in some way i am scared to death to let go.

Not of the bulimia that i would love it to never ever exist but the part of me i wish to preserve just a bit is probably the part that has the power to take away my mind and then my life. i fear that if i don't have anorexia then i am the little 11 year old girl i was before the e-d the girl that i have spent most of my life trying to forget or ignore or even insult for her lack of control and strength. i know that it is ridiculous to think but i rather in some way be to the world and anorexic than have to acknowledge truly that i was a victim. and therefore fearing that if i know it than people will see through my mask and see the poor little victim.

i feel pathetic i just started therapy and here i am restricting again trying to hold on to that last little bit that i don't want gone.. i don't know how to get a grip just to stop cause i know that the more i restrict the more i will want to do more.. and i can't do that i need to fight against it and at the same time i am so afraid to tell the therapist that i am screwing up cause i am afraid that they will think i don't want help and just let go.. i don't know what to do

ash

 

[Mari]

i don't know what to do

I do not know what to say about your very touching and honest post so I will just send some more flowers, hugs, and support. :heart: Mari :flowers: :hug: :support:

 

[suewatters1]

I don't know really what say. But maybe it is because you were the person with ED for so long it's like losing part of yourself and maybe that means also having to deal with what cause you to have an ED problem in the first place.

This is just my opinion so I hope you are not offended.

Sue

 

[Ashley-Kate]

no it actually makes a lot of sence i have came to peace with being and eating disorder and well i haven't yet came to peace with my past. i guess once i amat peace with it or that i learn to deal with it it may not be so hard to let go of the e-d

 

[Into The Light]

ashley-kate, can you try to verbalize this or write this out for your therapist somehow? explain the conflict within yourself?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeah i could do that but i am just so scared that they will think less of me cause i am so confused and that they won't want to try to help me if i am so unsure..

 

[Into The Light]

maybe this is a common part of the process for people in your shoes and they won't be surprised by it. i don't know - but maybe that thought helps.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Ashley, they're not going to think less of you. People in treatment for eating disorders and other problems are often confused and unsure. That's what help is for. I wish you the best.

 

[Meg]

I'm completely with cat dancer, Ashley. It isn't the therapist's job to judge: they're there to help. It's important to let your therapist know what you're going through so they know what they can do to help you most. :hug:

Good luck!

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks! i know i should feel okay with discussing this with them but i am so used to being the perfect little girl that obeyes that never causes trouble i fear being the girl that doesn't fallow the rules i fear not being a good little patient!

 

[Into The Light]

try to look at it this way: by telling them what's really going on you are enabling them to truly help you. they couldn't ask for a better patient than the one that communicates everything that is going - it makes their job easier because they don't have to guess at things or make assumptions

 

[suewatters1]

Wouldn't it be nice if DR and counselors could be mind readers I know I wish they could read my mind then it would make my sessions with them so much easier.

Sue