Can anyone tell me whats wrong?

[lostdiamondgirl]

Hi i'm new and this is my first post. I'm 16 and I'm really confused. I've been trying to understand what in the worlds wrong with me, if anything is at all(according to my mom i'm just a little depressed, and everyone gets depressed, so its nothing, and i should just drop the subject) i'll try to explain buts its confuses me alot.

Sometimes i feel so great, like i'm really pretty, really funny, and liked, but most of the time i think i'm completly ugly, so wierd and stupid, and hated. For instance at times i'll always know what to say, and i'm really talkative but mostly i'm completly quiet cause i don't know how to put it, or how they will react to what i want to add. Most people think i'm really outgoing and loud, but thats just because i want them to think that. like someone will say something to me, and i won't know what to think, and i get so nervous and all i want is to get away, so i'll try to make myself loud and funny(doesnt really work), hoping they won't see how weird i really am. And its worst with guys, like girls atlease i can pretend like i'm not nervous and speechless, but guys i just freeze, my heart starts beating faster and i can't breathe, and i just ussally try to escape as fast as i can. (I think that has something to do with my father, step dad, and others). So you can probably guess i don't really have any male friends. Also its so much easier for me to talk to adults than people my age.

Sometimes i try so hard to fit in, that i'll go to parties and go hang out with people, but than i'll hate myself for ever agreeing to go and be miserable the whole time and wish i was home and i'll feel like its completly obvious to everyone that i'm different. Or worst i'll feel soo nervous about the party that everybody can tell i stand out, that i'll just keep drinking and acting like i'm talking to people, and i don't know why.

I spend alot of my time alone, and all i ever want to be is alone, but when i'm alone i feel even worst and more pathetic. Even though i smile all the time, i ussally hurt soo much on the inside that i don't know what to do with myself. Most of the time i just want to cry, hurt myself or cause someone anyone pain. I'm always miserable and even though i don't actually want to be dead, a day ussally don't go by with out the thought popping up like "Just stop and let that car hit you, it'll be so much better", or "you know if you just take four of those it 'll do the trick". i'm just really confused, does anyone think somethings wrong, or is this just something (as my mom puts it) everyone feels?

 

[HA]

Welcome, lostdiamondgirl.

Everyone in the teen years has had feelings and thoughts of not being good enough. If this is something you experience daily and if you think about ending your life daily then this is not normal.

You should tell your mom that these thoughts and feelings are happening everyday and that you want to talk with a psychologist that can help you with them. You can find local psychologists listed in the yellow pages of your phone book.

You can also speak to your family doctor about referring you to a therapist. You can also speak with a guidance counsellor at your school.

When my daughter was 16 it was hard for her to see a psychologist at first because she felt that it would mean that she had an illness and would be prescribed medication. Psychologists do not prescribe medication and they are the professionals who can best help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. A psychologist who works with young people your age would be the best.

My daughter was crying everyday and having a hard time with some of the things our family was dealing with. She also got some help by talking with the school guidance counsellor. It was the psychologist that she saw who helped her the most.

Let us know how things work out for you, Lostdiamondgirl.

 

[lostdiamondgirl]

Thanks for replying
So you do think for the most part this is normal. I guess i can try to talk to my mom, but thats kinda part of the problem. Disscussing how we "feel" isn't really part of my family, and even if she actually listened to me, i doubt she'll just let me go see a psychologist.(she doesn't really liked them or any doctor really)

Also do you have any suggestions on how i should tell my mom, although i've told her a few things, i've never came close to telling her everything, and really i already don't live up to her image of me.

 

[cm]

Hi lostdiamond girl,
It can be hard to find someone to talk to who is trustworthy and who you'll feel comfortable talking with. Can you think of any lady teachers who you respect and might feel able to listen? When I was in high school (many years ago) we had an excellent, fairly young Food Science teacher who I think would have been really supportive, but at that time I was too embarassed to approach her. Looking back on it, she probably would have been my best source of help then and she probably would have gladly been there for me. I wish that I would have taken the chance, and approached her as it may have saved me some of the anguish. So I guess what I'm saying is to try and look for someone that you like and respect, and has appropriate qualifications to help you, even though it may not directly be their usual daily role.

 

[lostdiamondgirl]

thanks for replying cm
If i could think of anyone, it'll probably be my english teacher. Her daughter went through a really bad depression, and she's been through it too, and she gives our class advice about stuff like that sometimes. But picturing myself actually going up to her and talking...god help me. My best friend doesn't even know anything about this (although she thinks i'm extremly moody, and i think she worries about me sometimes) Like you said, i really would be to embarrased to ever do that, i mean really how can you just walk up to someone who actually thinks highly of you and tell them all this. also the last thing i would ever want is for this to get around school, i have enough trouble as it is.

 

[HA]

Lostdiamondgirl,

It's never too late to start talking about how you feel. You certainly do it well here. Writing about your thoughts and feelings in a daily journal can help you sort through them too.

You have already told your mom about some of the things you have been experiencing. You don't know how talking to your mom will turn out until you do it. There were times when my daughter and I could not talk face to face because it became too emotional so we wrote each other notes. It was easier for her to say the things she wanted to say and it got us through some tough times. It was better than not saying anything and it helped her sort through her thoughts and feelings. At times it was also better that she talked to someone other than me.

If you feel that you cannot bring yourself to tell your mom verbally that you need help then write her a note about it. She can't know that you need help unless you tell her that you need it. Make it clear by saying that you are feeling depressed and confused and want to talk to a psychologist. This will help your mom understand more clearly. Sometimes its easier to talk to people other than our parents.

If your mom is not willing to let you see a psychologist then go to your family doctor and explain your situation. She/he should be able to help you. Print out your post and bring it to the doctor if you think it will help.

 

[lostdiamondgirl]

I think the only reason i was able to express anything here, is because not only do i not know anyone here, but no one here even knows my name, let alone where i live. I guess its easier to say whats on your mind, when you know if you say the wrong thing, you can just dissappear and no one will notice or care. In real life i'm not really open at all.

But thank you for the note suggestion. Its easier for me to write how i feel, than to actually speak it, but i don't think i'm going to mention it right now, my grandma was just taken to the hospital, and the doctors don't know whats wrong, and my moms a little um "agitated" right now. Hopefully i'll have a chance to do something soon, although i'm not really rushing cause i'm still really nervous on what she'll say, she'll probably disown me or something.

 

[HA]

Yeah, that's one of the nice things about this kind of website, you're anonymous and can disappear whenever you like.

Hope your grandma is okay. It's stressful when close family members become ill.

I don't think your mom would disown you lostdiamondgirl. It would be extremely rare for a mom to say "What? You're depressed and confused? Okay thats it, I'm no longer your mother." :~}

Check out the mood gym here http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1987
Other ones to read in that section are Feelings and Thoughts That Control Them http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1524
And The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1523

 

[lostdiamondgirl]

Okay please don't get mad or anything, i didn't really mean to ask so many questions and i don't want to annoy you!

But i was thinking about something, If i did go through a doctor, would that also mean i wouldn't have to tell my mom, and does it nessessary have to be a family doctor?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Don't worry, lostdiamondgirl, no one is mad... )

It may depend on where you live. In some areas, including most or all parts of Canada, confidentiality would be respected at age 16 except for issues about child abuse (mandatory reporting) or significant risk of imminent harm to self or others.

 

[HA]

Oh gosh, lostdiamondgirl, I was not mad at all and you definitely are not annoying anyone. Please do ask all the questions you want. Asking questions is a good thing.

I'm glad Dr. Baxter got to your question because I was not absolutely sure about your age and if you could make the appointments on your own. Now we know that most places you can.

Another helpful avenue for moods at your age is taking birth control pills. My daughters family doctor suggested this and it was helpful for her.

 

[lostdiamondgirl]

Sorry, and thanks

and i will tell you how things work out