Can't sleep so thinking out loud

[adaptive1]

Sometimes I wish that I understood why I am the way I am. One moment I'm fine, then a few bad days happen and I am left wondering if I am really fine or not. Is it important to understand why we are the way we are, or if I can't figure that out, is it only important to control my symptoms? Too much analysis has never helped me, never made me happier, the only thing that helps is controlling my symptoms and acceptance of that.

But I keep questioning and denying that I have a problem. I keep thinking its in the past and if get convinced I don't need medication,therapy or to have strategies to manage my "issues." I get lazy and it never ends well.

I start to think I could just go on one more diet, chase one more obsession, research just one more of my anxious thoughts looking for reassurance ....I could erase all the good I've done by thinking I'm above falling back into my old habits. I could keep asking why knowing I will never know why and the why will just lead to more questions.

I wish I accepted it's just OCD that makes me obsess and not attach any more significance but I get tripped up and look for reasons and explanations when maybe there just aren't any and maybe it doesn't matter what I have, it only matters how I live my life.

I try to figure out what causes the obsessions, what does it mean, why the topics I chose and why do they manifest this way. I have no idea, and does it matter if I know for sure what the problem is as long as I control my symptoms.

I guess I need to stop asking why all the time and do what works for me..the why can be dangerous.

 

[W00BY]

I think it's natural to ask all you do when you feel something is not quite right with yourself...We do it in other situations with other people.

The problem when it is yourself is you can't get away from yourself...or the guilt or the self deprecation etc...

It's is exhaustive trying to deal with a mind that will not shut up...I don't know if writing about it here helps you clear it a bit?

We already know the answers to these issues sometimes but old patterns of behaviour provide comfort or furnish others expectations of us.

The hardest thing I think is just accepting some days are just going to run against the grain no matter what we do to off set even within our own minds...
I certainly find it difficult to not fix myself in a continual loop like you have described... accepting "good enough" is so much harder than it sounds!

But it is a phase and with a change in the weather... or a smile from a stranger in the street... or a conversation with an old friend... or a vigorous walk... something will wipe it away again.

*non-patronizing smiles*

 

[Banned]

I'm a huge "why" person and I analyze everything so I can appreciate where you are coming from. I also struggle with accepting my diagnoses and my therapist wants to start working on ACT therapy with me to help me with this. I keep thinking if I have a few good days I won't be bipolar anymore, or if I try hard enough I can stop the obsessive thoughts, etc. I have a laundry list of diagnoses I will never escape from but I keep thinking they will go away if I try hard enough, and keep asking "why".

i channel all the thoughts into ideas, like my grooming shop, I write, exercise is supposed to be good, relaxing music, but I spend a lot of time sleeping because it seems to be for me the most effective way to make my mind shut up for a few hours.

I dont know...I could ask the usual...have you talked to your therapist about this? Again for me the why, or where does this come from, is the most important first step towards getting control over it. Accepting that it will never go away but I can work to manage the symptoms hasn't quite come for me yet. Maybe one day it will...

Maybe there comes a point where the why doesn't matter, and it's just about getting better. It is what it is, so work with what you have kind of deal...I dunno...

 

[Daniel E.]

I certainly find it difficult to not fix myself in a continual loop like you have described... accepting "good enough" is so much harder than it sounds!

Indeed. Reminds me of Winnicott's idea of being a good enough mother:

He thought that parents did not need to be perfectly attuned, but just "ordinarily devoted" or "good enough" to protect the baby from often experiencing overwhelming extremes of discomfort and distress, emotional or physical.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Winnicott#True_self_and_false_self

 

[W00BY]

Yeah Winnicott's theory is something that really should leak through more in general society i.e work, school etc.

I had twins and it took my health visitor to explain that I had went from one child to three and therefore my care quality would be affected and if I didn't accept that I would find myself asleep on piles of washing constantly.

"Good enough" for the self loathing person is a difficult concept though, it is almost as if someone is handing you a get out of jail free card and you can't quite believe it...does that make sense? it's quite a difficult sensation to describe...

Long and short of it was I stopped falling asleep on the washing but started standing on lego spread all over the floor much more often *sighs*

I was very lucky to have such a pro-active health visitor that was aware of Winnicott's theories and applied it in her job.

---------- Post Merged at 04:56 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:43 PM ----------

I also beat myself about everything I feel I have failed at in some way at even stuff I have excelled at... I feel I must have done something wrong to end up with success...I personally feel and am speaking from a personal stand point it has came fro an abusive childhood...as a child you know something is wrong it doesn't make sense and hurts and as children we are constantly even without abuse told what is right and wrong and certainly focused on it whilst growing up via exams, hobbies etc.

So I think when you add abuse anxiety via stressful home environment or just general predisposition you start to look at ways to fix it at a very base level starting with yourself and that is were this awful thought pattern starts...I also think it is partly self protection a heightened sense of awareness...looking for danger or problems that may lead to pain or blame again feed this form of thinking?

It is such a hard thing to try and explain but I think the obsessive questioning of self is just the down side I now have to put up with but the upside is I can stear clear of situations that will land me in trouble...I am a reeeeally good judge of character and through my own struggles with this derailed thought pattern can now discuss it with others not only diluting it for myself but also possibly helping others!?!

so it's not all bad!

 

[adaptive1]

Thanks guys, it was helpful for me just to write this down. It is a struggle but not an impossible one.

Daniel, it's always nice to see you around here!