Caught up in numbers

[Cat Dancer]

I was never going to go to this place again inside my head. I thought I wouldn't, but I am there again.

I though I would be happier at a certain size, a certain weight, they came and went and so I set it at something lower and then lower and now it's (I know) irrationally low and dangerous.

So I was thinking, throw the scales away? I can do that, but what about the clothes' sizing. It's all so random anyway. You can wear one size in one store and a completely different size in another store.

And who really cares what size I am? Really? Isn't it more important what is in my heart and my soul and how I treat people? I certainly don't judge people by size. I hate this obsession.

I don't know how I have gotten caught up in this again. I think eating very little must have some kind of effect on the brain in that you don't see things rationally and I wasn't really seeing things rationally before. I guess it is an illness.

But I don't want to be here again. And yet I am. I am determined to fight this, but I am so tired and weak I think. I am sure this is contributing to my increased anxiety. I keep telling myself, sometimes things get worse, much worse, before they can get better.

Just rambling.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

my nutritionnist told me that hte more i falow the orders of the e-d the more i fall deeper into it therefore the less i eat the more estaticed i get the more i feel in control of this hole thing the more i lose the more i am closer to the pobjective and when i reach it well it stops so i need the control the power i have over my weight loss to continue so i set a lower objective it is the way of the disease.

 

[Cat Dancer]

That does make sense, Ashley. It is the way of the disease. It's very destructive.

 

[Heather]

It is destructive and it is definately an illness, despite what a lot of people say.

I wish I had advice for you, but please keep posting about it.

Heather...

 

[Cat Dancer]

I want to believe I am more than just a size or a number on a scale. It gets all caught up in the OCD though. Maybe it's part of the OCD. The eating, the not eating, the purging, the compulsion to be some magical, perfect size and if the number is higher than what I think it should be, punishing myself because I'm BAD, because I think I'm fat or because there's too much of me. And I remember all these things that happened that were "bad, dirty" things and I remember purging to get the things out of me and lately I've been "back there" in my mind so I go back to old behaviors that were under control. It's a sad waste of my life and my time. I'm just so sad.

 

[KiM]

What I wonder at times is what is really the perfect size? I have gained weight as I am tryoing to recover and I feel happy with my body, I am still very slim, and people are actually saying that I look better and am more 'me' again, so this positive feed-back and vision in the mirror has actually changed my view of my body and ideal weight.. Its not about the numbers on the scale, eventhough during the recovery process it is ofcourse vital, but it is more importantly to do with how you feel as a person. I do not feel fat, big or gross about having gained weight, I actually feel more relaxed. I am still picky and very conscious about what I eat, and always will be, but atleast I know that people are looking at me not solely for my weight.
I still purge at times when I get the urge to eat something 'bad' and I feel bad about it, but these moments occur very rarely now ... Thank god.
When struggling with how you feel, ask your sister, mum, friends, bf, anyone you feel close to to tell you how you look and I am sure they will support you and say you look great becuase anything looks better than the coat-hangers that we all seem to want to be.... At the end of the day, we all love our bodies slim, a little soft and toned, and to achieve this we need some nutrients, we need healthy food. Its a slow process, but believe me, you will feel so much better and people will see the positive change in you!
xx