[How do I] Deal with major pendulum swings in my perceptions

[ladylore]

I don't know if I am seeking advice, venting or otherwise but I am confused and really don't know what to do.

First off a bit of background - my sisters have come back into life after a 15 yr enstrangement. So that is a work in progress. There is major baggage in the family and it seems like two of my sisters have PTSD (unconfirmed but part of my observations). I have been diagnosed with PTSD.

So here is a situation. Sister one goes to visit sister two who she hasn't seen in 5 yrs (they talk on the phone regularly). Sister one throws a "temper tantrum" within the few hours of arriving at sister two's place.

Sister one is suppose to be coming to visit me in two weeks. But because I know she flipped out on my other sister my thinking went into 'there is no way she can stay here when she visits......' And on and on it goes. I find out yesterday that now everything is hunky dory, everyone is getting along well. So now my thinking is "good, it was only a panic attack. She is safe enough to come and visit".

This type of thinking has been an issue for years. I don't find I do it as often but when I do catch it I am either on the verge of doing some drastic action or worse - did it already.

Any suggestions?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Forearmed is forewarned? If you can anticipate that this might well happen during the visit, and work at reminding yourself before and during the visit that this is about her not you, it may assist you in detaching from any outbursts and, more importantly, not engaging in them. In a sense, that's about parctising ways to "not let her get to you".

Your therapist can likely help you with strategies to do this.

 

[Daniel E.]

Forearmed is forewarned?

or the other way around

 

[David Baxter PhD]

:yeahthat:

 

[ladylore]

Thanks Dr. B. Sound advice.

 

[white page]

Hi Ladylore ,

I can relate to this so well, the other day I stopped a woman coming to see me ; because I felt treatened by her visit , (someone who is a very needy space gobbler ) Dr. Baxter is right , if you strengthen your defenses before , then your mind will be less invaded by her needs , for conflict or temper tantrums , the visit is a temporary situation , with a begining and an end , by
forearming yourself , you will lay the path for good memories of the visit , instead of dread, and your private mental space will be preserved from the invasion of negativity. I hope this makes some sort of sense.

best wishes white page

 

[ladylore]

Makes alot of sense White Page. Thank you.

 

[Auburn]

I so understand the forewarned and forearmed situation. And I agree completely that is it sometimes necessary. One of my friends just drained me of all energy, she was a very doom and gloom kind of person. I had to always make sure that I was "ready" for one of her visits. And they had to be few and far between, it was just too much otherwise.
I feel for you ladylore, but, as David said, you can't make her issues yours. You do what you need to for you hun. Good luck, and lots of hugs!

 

[Sparrow]

Hello Ladylore,

I have a couple of brothers and sisters and we all live considerable distances apart, and aren't families tricky eh? Rivalry, animosities, age differences, jealousy and the list can go on. My two sisters have had on and off spats for years, hissing and frothing at each other like a couple of alley cats. I have an adjustable wrench though, and it fits any nuts I run across.
Here's a few thoughts though,

If your thinking is fouled up, don't make jack rabbit moves or "snap" decisions; rather sleep on it overnight, but don't lose sleep over it.

Bounce your thinking off someone else like a good friend or somebody to get a reality check. Looking at it from the outside, they can be more objective.
i.e. ("Yes L.L., you really are wacko.")

Are you and your sisters able to... agree to disagree? With an inkling of respect?

Without being holier than thou or a doormat, maybe just be yourself?
But don't be plastic (fake).

Hope I helped a bit :support:

 

[ladylore]

Hello Ladylore,

I have a couple of brothers and sisters and we all live considerable distances apart, and aren't families tricky eh? Rivalry, animosities, age differences, jealousy and the list can go on. My two sisters have had on and off spats for years, hissing and frothing at each other like a couple of alley cats. I have an adjustable wrench though, and it fits any nuts I run across.
Here's a few thoughts though,

If your thinking is fouled up, don't make jack rabbit moves or "snap" decisions; rather sleep on it overnight, but don't lose sleep over it.

Bounce your thinking off someone else like a good friend or somebody to get a reality check. Looking at it from the outside, they can be more objective.
i.e. ("Yes L.L., you really are wacko.")

Are you and your sisters able to... agree to disagree? With an inkling of respect?

Without being holier than thou or a doormat, maybe just be yourself?
But don't be plastic (fake).

Hope I helped a bit :support:

I wrote this post a while back but it is still relevant. Thank you for the advice Sparrow, I agree totally.

As you said Auburn, I too need to be ready to see my sister who lives in BC and to even talk with all of them by phone. I am learning alot about conflict resolution, but what I am finding right now is that I keep my opinions to myself so I don't ruffle any feathers. It is still all so new.

What I am struggling with at the moment is it seems that every time I talk with anyone in my family the past comes back again and again. We are not at the point yet where the past has been fully hashed out and we can talk about day to day things.

Even when we do talk about day to day things I see the damage done to all of us due to how we grew up.

Thank you for the support Auburn and Sparrow. Means alot.

 

[white page]

What I am struggling with at the moment is it seems that every time I talk with anyone in my family the past comes back again and again. We are not at the point yet where the past has been fully hashed out and we can talk about day to day things.

Even when we do talk about day to day things I see the damage done to all of us due to how we grew up.

Hi LL ,
I know how painful and draining this can be , the good news is that you are now aware of the damage done and the consequences in your life , this now gives you choices , when you were growing up there was no choice , it takes a lot of hashing out and analysis to understand what happened why it happened and to reach a point of compassion for yourself and the persons who contributed to the damage , not excusing them , but understanding why.

take care and first and foremost cherish and nurture yourself hugs WP

:flowers::flowers:

 

[ladylore]

Your so kind WP. :friends: