Do you need to take everything personally before you can get over it?

[David Baxter PhD]

Why You Need to Take Everything Personally
by Melissa Karnaze, Mindful Construct
March 1, 2010

?Don?t take it personally.?

?It?s not about you.?

?Just let it go.? ​

That?s what they say. What they hope you?ll believe.

What they tell themselves over and and over again in hopes that repetition makes it true.

But it is about you.

Because you did take it personally.

It did upset you. It did irk you. It did ruin your day.

There?s no taking that back.

When something triggers an emotional reaction in you ? you have already taken it personally.

What ?Don?t take it personally? really means
When people tell you not to take something personally, this is what they mean:

?This really upsets you, doesn?t it? Shoot, we can?t let that spiral out of control. Because I have a phobia of anger and all the other ugly emotions. I?d be way too uncomfortable if you stayed with this feeling. Frankly, I never let myself feel this way for too long because I have no idea what to do with it.

Here, I have an idea ? just pretend it doesn?t really matter to you. That might quell your upset. How will we do that? Let?s distance you from the situation with abstract language.

Let?s say that this event/person/situation is not about you or directed at you (even though you already experienced it that way ? even though all of life is experienced subjectively). Let?s say, don?t ?make this? about you when it really isn?t. Don?t make it any messier than it needs to be.?​

Why everything you experience is personal
Any time you get upset, feel hurt or frustrated ? it is a personal issue.

Some thing gave you cause to feel a certain way.

Every emotion you experience is an obviously personal matter. You feel because something happened, something that your subconscious cognitive networks deemed important for you to be alerted of ? via your bodily emotions.

So by the time that thing gave you cause to feel, it?s too late.

It?s personal.

Otherwise you wouldn?t be emotional about it.

Why it?s better just to admit this
It can be tempting to pretend you can take a redo,

?Wait, let me take back that emotion. It doesn?t mean much. Because this really isn?t personal. It?s not important to me after all.?​

That?d be a nice try. A nice attempt at a side swipe.

What would you be dodging exactly?

Response ability. For big things, like life, and your emotional health and well-being.

You would be dodging your personal responsibility of taking yourself ? and your emotions ? seriously.

You know, like a response able adult would do.

When you pretend that you can ?not take things personally? you get yourself into serious trouble ? with yourself of course. Your emotional self, Inner Child/Ego.

And you start a war against your true feelings. Trying to shove them down hoping your subconscious won?t notice.

All because your friend has no idea what to do with an uncomfortable emotion. All because society has no idea. All because the world goes ?round deathly afraid of emotions.

A constructive way to take things personally

If you?re on the path of creating your life as a mindful construct, you know what this path requires.

It requires that you commit yourself to nurturing your relationship with you, so that it?s as healthy as it can be.

So that all your emotions are juiced and worked just right so they grant you more intelligence and response ability to life.

That means, anytime something bothers you, you let it bother you ? mindfully so.

You take it damn personally, damn proudly, for as long as it takes.

You say to yourself:

?Yes, this irks the irk out of me. And it?s funny, because my friend so and so would tell me not to take this personally because it?s not worth it. But I know it?s worth it.

I?m going to stay with this emotion for as long as it takes for me to understand why I?m experiencing it. Because when I find out why. Man oh man, will the experience mobilize me for the the better.

Yes, this is very personal. It?s so personal it can change my life for the better. Help me grow and learn how to take better care of myself. But only if I sit with it. Only if I let it ruin my day. Because I have to find out why. And to find out why, I need to take the journey within.?​

What it really means to take things personally
Taking something so personally it makes your knees shake ? is the only way to live your life with the kind of mindfulness that matters. The only way to construct your life in a way that works for you.

Taking something so personally it makes your knees shake means saying no to the rest of the world when it?d rather you retreat with fear; reframe the situation in a dysfunctional way to distance yourself from your true feelings.

Taking something so personally it makes your knees shake is one of the noblest things you can do, so long as you work with your emotions constructively after the fact. It?s the only way to truly know thyself.

So take it personally. It?s all personal. It?s all about you. It?s all going to happen whether you like it or not.

You can?t control what happens to you, or how personal it feels.

You can only choose how you respond after it happens.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Why You Have to Take It Personally Before You Can Get Over It

Why You Have to Take It Personally Before You Can Get Over It
by Melissa Karnaze, Mindful Construct
March 3, 2010

Anytime you feel upset, hurt, or irritated, you’ve already taken it personally.

You can’t go back and pretend that it doesn’t really matter.

Or that you are above taking things personally.

Because you’re not, and and no one is.

Unless… you know how to work with all of your emotions first.

That usually means, working with your negative emotions and juicing something good and nutritious out of their bitter taste.

It’s tempting to “not take it personally” too soon
Here’s the thing.

You’ll know not to take something personally when you have really good reasons not to.

“Because you shouldn’t let it upset you.”​

Is not a good enough reason.

It’s circular. And most of the time when people recommend it, they don’t know what they are talking about anyway.

They’re just trying to appear cool-headed, calm-minded, helpful, logical, and above-those-pesky-emotions — which may seem like a “normal” and noble thing to do.

But it’s actually unintelligent and unwise to one’s mental-emotional health.

Not taking things personally for the right reasons
The only way to have really good reasons to not take something personally is when those reasons are not emotionally charged.

If you’re still angry, resentful, irked, jealous, defensive, or sarcastic about the whole thing, you’re still emotionally charged.

Meaning, your reasons will fall flat and you won’t ever be able to get over it.

Let’s take a look at two examples.

Example #1: So he called you by the wrong nickname
You’re having a discussion with this guy. And it’s escalating into an argument even though you’ve already read here how arguing is counter-productive.

Up to this point, you’ve kept your tongue pretty tame. But he’s gone overboard, because he went ahead and called you a (insert your least favorite derogatory term here). And this really crosses the line, because that is the one word that hurts you the deepest.

So let’s pause.

You have two choices:

1. Don’t take it personally right now
2. Don’t take it personally later… which means taking it personally right now

In the first case, you do whatever it takes to brush the derogatory term aside. To get it out of your mind. Or you argue back, essentially changing the topic. The details don’t really matter. What matters is that you don’t let yourself feel the real effects of being called (insert your least favorite derogatory term here).

And the consequences of that? Well, the wound likely goes unaddressed, so you’ll never have a chance to heal. Or to learn from the situation to better protect yourself in the future. All because you had bad reasons to not take it personally. Reasons like, “I need to win this argument, no matter what it takes,” “I can’t show weakness,” “I won’t let him get to me,” “I’m better than this because I can forgive him instead,” and “I shouldn’t reveal how vulnerable I really am.”

In the second case, you do whatever it takes to get in touch with how that derogatory term rubbed you the wrong way. To keep the experience present. No matter how drama-queen or ridiculous you think you look. The details don’t really matter. What matters is that you don’t let yourself lose the feeling that comes with being called (insert your least favorite derogatory term here).

And the consequences of that? Well, the wound’s likely addressed, so you will have a chance to heal. By expressing your hurt feelings and maybe even being validated by him. Or if he’s not willing to hear you out, then disengaging from the argument to work it out on your own. And then learning from the situation to better protect yourself in the future. All because you found out why you were so triggered.

Once you get here, then your reasons for not taking it personally (this time and in the future) are much better. Reasons like, “He’s calling me this because it’s his way of hurting me instead of expressing his true feelings,” “This is his projection that has nothing to do with who I am,” “This argument has escalated off-course; we’re no longer talking about what really matters,” “Instead of taking his jab personally, I’ll ask him to clarify why he called me (insert your least favorite derogatory term here),” and “Instead of getting upset, I’ll tell him how it hurts.”

Example #2: So he thinks I’m full of Shiitake mushrooms
I get this all the time when my articles push people’s ouch buttons.

Readers don’t like what I have to say, then insist I’m full of air, and let me know it through a barrage of passive aggressive (or blatant) attacks on my intelligence.

So let’s pause.

In each case I have two choices:

1. Don’t take it personally right now
2. Don’t take it personally later… which means taking it personally right now

I always take it personally right then and there if any emotion feels icky. Because I know myself well enough and how online discussions work to know that I can’t hide my temper. She always comes out later, and would likely sabotage my intentions of keeping the comment discussions of a constructive and exploratory nature.

Plus, I have to walk my talk. If I stuff my emotions, especially when interacting with readers, my articles would end up being nothing more than air.

So behind the scenes, before I respond to mean-spirited comments, I take things as personally as I can. To get to the bottom of my emotional reactions. Because that ensures that I’m more mindful of my subconscious cognitive networks, and thus in a better position to accept my vulnerabilities.

An added benefit which I couldn’t have imagined before starting this blog, is that any time I take a negative comment so personally it makes my knees shake and then work it, magic happens: I remember the reasons why I wrote each article, why I believe in what I say, and I can understand clearly why it threatens the negative commenter’s worldview. Which is positive reinforcement to keep writing, refine my message, and get it out.

Getting over it after you’ve taken it personally
As you can see, there’s a huge difference between not taking it personally now versus not taking it personally later.

When you wait until later, and take it damn personally now, you:

1. Let yourself be radically emotionally charged first
2. Work with your radically charged emotions constructively second
3. Then reap the rewards of exploring your emotions and why they’re there, while also getting better acquainted with who you are, what’s important to you, what you believe in, what you fight for, and where you stand

When you wait until later, and take it damn personally now, it’s harder to take thing as personally in the future.

Because you take quality time to nurse your own insecurities.

And better detect when people aren’t playing fair.

Getting over it means finding emotional zen
Emotional zen comes from emotional turbulence.

You have to ride out the storm before finding the serenity.

Try to skip the rainfall, and you’ll miss out on the clear blue skies and newly green meadows that follow.

Emotional zen is not taming or controlling or defusing your emotions, but allowing them to be, mindfully.

And nurturing them so you may learn from them. Find out what you need to change in your thinking, and what you need to change in your behavioral responses.

So that the things that aren’t really personal, aren’t personal.

 

[Shanny]

Re: Why You Have to Take It Personally Before You Can Get Over It

I have been struggling with this huge and didn't know how to deal with this in a situation where I felt betrayed and distrubed and yet was beinging asked to not take things to heart or personal towards myself. It was very personal and I knew it inside, and there actions left me speechless in so many ways............I needed this today and know feel better as to where my head is at and my heart over all.............Shanny

 

[bluebird]

Not sure if I agree with this.

Does taking things personally improve things or improve a situation? Very often I'll get annoyed or upset about something and realize that there is no benefit in that emotion and therefore is somewhat pointless. Maybe sometimes it is better to reframe how you perceive the situation so that it is no longer personally offensive.