More threads by Rannixx

Rannixx

Member
I can conceive of change, and I believe I have felt change (even though I have probably experienced drastic change before, my brain wants to not believe this time in my past for some reason), but I am not even sure if I can change drastically. Lately, these last few days, I have felt somewhat of a steep change in my line of thinking. Many times in the past this has happened to, and it has always been due to medication. I have always felt as if I have changed drastically in my mood or demeanor, which is why I feel like life has a lot of complexity. I am still worried though that I cannot catch up to people in the way that I'd like. Is dramatic change in a person even possible? I've read a lot of accounts saying that personality is fixed, but I'm getting conflicting answers, because I also told that you can change yourself. How likely is it that a human being can undergo an overhaul or conversion in their thinking? I certainly FEEL like it has happened to me in the past, but I have never had people directly acknowledged it; though I remember many times people saying my behavior was erratic--shifting from one extreme to the other and I can certainly recall prolonged periods of anxiety in my life and prolonged periods of intense excitement.

I still feel like my life is unfolding. I still want to change it drastically. But in the end I may learn that I am a slave to a less than satisfactory life, and I may learn that given the footing I was on at the outset of life, or what occurred later in life, permanently made it so that I am not able to catch up. It's like being put into a game that's automatically tilted or rigged.

However, I am someone that has immense self-awareness and have had great control over my emotions in the past, but sometimes I would be oblvious to this change, just because life has felt like one seamless thing, droning on and on, lately. I would like to think that I CAN change drastically, and change fast (as to opposed to gradual), and it's a matter of learning the things that I feel like I've missed....that is causing me to see the big picture broken; I still feel like I have a blinder over me, and things are slowly but surely starting to unfold. But then, like I say, I get smitten with self-doubt...because I am not even sure if an individual my age is able to change and whether or not we are 'fixed' around this point to some extent.
 

Jazzey

Account Closed
Member
Hi Rannixx,

It's nice to see you again.

As for your question, I really believe it's possible to change our way of thinking and therefore, change our personality. I've changed quite a bit myself these past few months; went from being very cynical, wary of people and pessimistic to moving away from all of those feelings.

And I wouldn't be in therapy if I didn't think that we could change our way of thinking. But I also think that it's a process, over time and with effort. Your self-awareness will lend a lot of help here Rannixx. But you can't be too impatient. While some feelings or behaviours may change quickly, I think changing your way of thinking can take more practice, and therefore, a little more time.

What happened lately that made you change? Your post here sounds really strong and positive.

I'm quite a bit older than you Rannixx, and people can and do change provided they're willing to put in the effort into the work it requires.
 
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Rannixx

Member
Maybe so. Hopefully. But can nobody conceive of how great suicide would be? How much of a relief it would be. One part of my brain tells me that I am giving in too easy, but the other part of me tells me that I am completely justified. I can't stand life, and I have not even experienced as much misery as some other people; it's just that I have thought ahead enough, have concealed my problems enough, and squandered enough time to the point where I cannot handle things as well anymore. I am NOT crippingly depressed, and as you say today I am feeling a bit more positive, but even in this positivity I detest people....thinking about their behaviorisms and how I've had to unjustly suffer and limit myself. It sends great pangs of hatred through me. I have experienced way more suffering than I should have, and nobody did anything about it. Everyone has been ill-equipped to handle mental-illness, the stupid ****s.

I have suffered silently for quite a while now, and hopefully eventually I will get my comeuppance. What a disgusting, disgusting species humans are. The mere fact that I am having to modify myself to fit in with the species is just plainly disgusting. I root for the slow self-destruction of the rich spectrum of humanity every day.
 

Jazzey

Account Closed
Member
No actually, I can't conceive that suicide would ever be a "great" thing Rannixx. And even in my darkest moments, when I contemplated suicide, I didn't view it that way at all.

And this post is dipping back into your old thinking patterns Rannixx. You're hating people is precisely what's going to keep you in the vortex of negativity and depression. And I would beg to differ with you on one point; I do think that your depression is crippling you by keeping you in an angry mode. This angry mode is not good for you.

Have you searched for support yet? (ie therapy, support groups etc..) Sometimes, we just can't go it alone Rannixx.
 

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Instead of concluding that the entire species is disgusting and that your only option is suicide, why not consider that the very fact you hold such feelings of intense hatred toward yourself and others is evidence that something in you and about you is seriously amiss, and that perhaps it's time to change that?

Your perceptions are seriously distorted, Rannixx. They don't have to remain that way but it's entirely up to you at this point whether you have the courage to change that or prefer to remain safely hidden and protected behind the shield of the contempt and anger you feel.
 

Rannixx

Member
I see it as a necessary evil (my contempt for people etc. etc.), however unfortunate it may be. I doubt I can be swayed too much on this, because any time I have been any nicer, it has lead to being taken advantage of. Yes, so it may very well be a simple case of putting-up-my-armor-because-I-have-been-hurt-in-the-past.

I have no self-hatred as you put it, but I could see where you would perceive it like that. I have such assurance in my self that I see other people as out to manipulate and essentially hurt, and I have many experiences to prove it. I will contend that some of this thinking might be irrational (as in others manipulate you on a very microscopic and subtle level), but I have had enough of a dose of the real-world to see that the way of most people is innately selfish, no matter how may not like to hear this. I sincerely believe this (80% of me does), but I'll acknowledge that I am not entirely sure on this....but mostly all I see is selfish motives.

I would like someone to convince me otherwise, but I feel it would be chizzling away at a very rock-hard wall.
 

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I would like someone to convince me otherwise, but I feel it would be chiseling away at a very rock-hard wall.

I do too, and I'm not going to take on that task. As I said above, you have a choice to make: Stay where you feel safe, angry, and hateful, or take some steps to move out into the sunlight and create a life for yourself with some joy. Yes, that means having the courage to take a risk or two.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anaïs Nin
 

Rannixx

Member
I have taken a bunch of risks my friend. I'm not scared of showing empathy or anything; it's just that I know you have to experience a lot of misery in the process of doing so; I felt less happiness being kind than I have cynical and mean. Although on an individual level I am very nice to people; I rarely am not kind in that sense, but I am always extra wary of being controlled.

Also, I have joy within the misery. It's not black-and-white bad, as like I've said, lately I've felt a lot happier (especially these last few days).
 

Daniel E.

daniel@psychlinks.ca
Administrator
...but I have had enough of a dose of the real-world to see that the way of most people is innately selfish, no matter how may not like to hear this.
Have you not read Holocaust and war accounts in which people risked not only their lives but the risk of torture for helping other people? It does seem that nothing would convince you since you would just use the opportunity to beef up your intellectual defenses. So you would have to convince yourself, ideally with the help of a therapist, along with an increase in socialization.
 

Rannixx

Member
Fair enough, but just tell me what a therapist could do for me, point-blank. And with an ideal therapist, how long would it take for me to change if I gave it full effort (and don't think I haven't in the past)? The increase in socialization part is as good as dead though. People already have friends, and the friend-making process is long; the social scene is not something I can hop back into when I've already lost so much ground.
 

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Fair enough, but just tell me what a therapist could do for me, point-blank. And with an ideal therapist, how long would it take for me to change if I gave it full effort (and don't think I haven't in the past)? The increase in socialization part is as good as dead though. People already have friends, and the friend-making process is long; the social scene is not something I can hop back into when I've already lost so much ground.

That depends on you. If you are determined to stay safe, you're not likely to put full effort into therapy and that will certainly prolong the length of time it will take to derive noticeable benefit. That's why I keep emphasizing the point about choice, because you must make that choice first before you can expect much in the way of change.
 

Daniel E.

daniel@psychlinks.ca
Administrator
The increase in socialization part is as good as dead though. People already have friends, and the friend-making process is long; the social scene is not something I can hop back into when I've already lost so much ground.
Just getting one more acquaintance by going to a book club or MeetUP.com group or whatever can be a very good start with significant psychological benefits, which, in turn, promote further socialization. And therapy can help you with the negative thinking that is behind some of your apparent shyness, e.g.

3_approaches_to_psychotherapy_3_of_3_Albert_Ellis.mpg

Socializing is a skill that needs to be practiced, and I'm sure you have lost practice with your depression. So you just need to "work and practice" at it as Albert Ellis was fond of saying. The pain of loneliness can be a good motivator.

---------- Post added at 12:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:13 PM ----------

Also:

Easing Your Way Out of Loneliness - Psychlinks
 
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Jazzey

Account Closed
Member
Hi Rannixx,

As Daniel and Dr. Baxter have suggested, only you are master of the decision to seek therapy or not and as to whether or not to start socializing again. While both of these can be a little daunting and require effort, they also offer rewards in the nature of a quality of life.

I have taken a bunch of risks my friend. I'm not scared of showing empathy or anything; it's just that I know you have to experience a lot of misery in the process of doing so; I felt less happiness being kind than I have cynical and mean. Although on an individual level I am very nice to people; I rarely am not kind in that sense, but I am always extra wary of being controlled.

Also, I have joy within the misery. It's not black-and-white bad, as like I've said, lately I've felt a lot happier (especially these last few days).

While you many not be scared of showing empathy and other human sentiment, did you actually feel the emotions? Or were you merely putting on a facade for others? I would suggest to you that you 'felt less happiness being kind' because you weren't feeling any of these emotions. I will also suggest to you that for some people, misery and its wake is an easier path: you're pretty safe from expectations behind that wall.

But feeling emotions of empathy, kindness, love, caring, nurturing, happiness is not about taking "risks" at all. They're emotions that come from within and only when we're ready to examine our thought patterns, our behaviours in such a manner as to invite these emotions in. None of these sentiments will be served to you on a silver platter Rannixx. No therapist, irrespective of his or her talents will give you that. But, they can help you with the other things that I've mentioned here so that you can attain them as goals for yourself. Again, only if you genuinely want them and are ready to put in the work.

As for convincing you, if I could do that Rannixx, I would have done so a few threads ago. But you seemed to want to be fixed in your thinking patterns; as Dr. Baxter has already stated, while there is safety there, I'm not sure of the price you're paying for that safety...At this point, while I'll happily offer you support and insight into the benefits of therapy, you have to be accountable for the rest of the decision-making process.:) You'll always be master of that ship.
 
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