Enjoying anger for first time

[NapsWithCats]

Last big trigger opened up the whole can of worms (PTSD/DID/Maj.Dep./Anx., etc.) that much is coming back and I always had to swallow my anger and it led to many physical illnesses that I still have.

I am enjoying cussing, name-calling, crying in rage and people yelling back doesn't matter anymore. I don't get hit anymore for expressing, it feels good.

I am a happy recluse (happy = safe and secure inside) and go out 1x/mo. to doctor and store shopping for month. Sometimes 2x/month.

And yeah, if the guy in the apartment next row down is going to leave his dog on a leash that goes from door-handle to the ground with no walking room for over an hour; no water, no food, no way doggie can poo or pee, I'm calling him on it asking if he would put some water out for his dog. Never meeting him before he cusses me out in the worst way. (I hate the majority of "valley people" (we call them Valley Rats in my home town here which is a tourist town ... unfortunately).

It felt great to let him know he was abusing his dog and I was calling Animal Services (I volunteered there, know all the Sheriffs and Animal Services people), he still yelled obsenities and finally said "I OWN MY PLACE!!!!!!!!" (lol). I said back "SO DO I, What does that have to do with your abusing your dog?" (I actually lied and have never been a liar, but he and his b#tch daughter who bought another apartment also used this on another neighbor "I OWN MY PLACE". I HATE valley people.

I ask for no advice or suggestions on how to control my anger right now; it's bringing me relief I've needed since I was in the womb.

Wish I could cuss here....... {{{sigh}}} just to cuss. Ever heard "The Rodeo Song?" I sing that real loud sometimes while playing it when I'm mad, it has a lot of cuss words in it, makes me feel better.

Anger is just an overlying word for a multitude of universal unmet needs (learned this in an intensive non-violent communication training cult I was in, but did learn a lot, even though it drove me to the day before ending my life). (My cat saved me)

I have deep, deep grief, sadness, pain of every kind frustration, rage, and more rage and a lot more rage. I'm 51, but wish for one night I could just scream in one of those types of bands that just scream! That would feel awesome!

 

[Dragonfly]

"..... but wish for one night I could just scream in one of those types of bands that just scream! That would feel awesome!

NapsWithCats - if you have a portable music device (mp3, i-whatever), maybe listening to music through earphones while ".... screaming....." the music, might feed some of your hunger. I know you have neighbors, but really doubt that you would be able to keep it up for long enough to really disturb anyone for any length of time. And maybe just knowing you can have this outlet will help calm your rage - if only because rage can be .... somewhat isolating. Anger can indicate the degree of hurt .... rage can wound you if not somehow expressed.

Please do not mistake my suggestion for implying that being angry or full of rage is bad .... that is not my intent. Just wondering about a possible outlet that you might not have thought of. Take care.

 

[NapsWithCats]

Hiya,

Actually, the only times I've really screamed a gutteral, primal scream was when I was in my car driving on the freeway (with little traffic); other than that, I have big issues with people who abuse/neglect animals (which happened just the other week and I ended up yelling so I could be heard over his yelling), or child abuse/neglect/endangerment - I've been dealing with this with a neighbor in my complex, although she screamed first (she does drugs and pot in front of her baby - ends up the police here don't care).

Tones of voice are huge triggers.

I think if I put on headphones and started screaming the music, the neighbors would call an ambulance and I'll never go to a hospital again after my last experience, but the biggest reason is I will never abandon my cats for any length of time over the one day I go to the doctor, shop and all. They need 2x/day medicines, one has to be groomed every day or he's in trouble with matts, poopin' scoopin' has to be done 2x/day.

I love your idea, but think I'd have to do that in a car like I used to do. Thank you for presenting an idea for me!

NapsWithCats - if you have a portable music device (mp3, i-whatever), maybe listening to music through earphones while ".... screaming....." the music, might feed some of your hunger. I know you have neighbors, but really doubt that you would be able to keep it up for long enough to really disturb anyone for any length of time. And maybe just knowing you can have this outlet will help calm your rage - if only because rage can be .... somewhat isolating. Anger can indicate the degree of hurt .... rage can wound you if not somehow expressed.

Please do not mistake my suggestion for implying that being angry or full of rage is bad .... that is not my intent. Just wondering about a possible outlet that you might not have thought of. Take care.

 

[forgetmenot]

I don't blame you for being angry just be careful okay anger begets anger and you do not want to harmed Next time try to just call in reinforcements like human shelter before you approach okay i just want you to be safe. Yes sometimes it does feel good to release all that anger i hope you can do that safely hugs

I do love your pictures of your cats so cute

 

[NapsWithCats]

I do appreciate your concern for my well-being. I have just discovered that I can be angry and am enjoying letting it out (never, NEVER on my beloved cats - they are my lifeline), just getting my anger out. I need it, it's good for me. If someone else reacts negatively, that is their responsibility and I will not own their feelings or reactions.

I need this right now which is crucial to my well-being and knowing it's okay to be angry. I choose to feel what I feel and learn through trial and error; I need the anger, I deserve the anger after all the unbelievable crap in my life.

Appreciate again your concern, but please don't feel concerned about me with regard to my anger. It's coming out no matter what. Again, I deserve to be in a rage or yell without being judged for it. Anyone judging; well, that's their deal, not mine. I truly don't care right now. Doing what's best for me until I'm satisfied I've released all the darkness from my being.

Thanks about my cats. Wish I could post them all up here.

I don't blame you for being angry just be careful okay anger begets anger and you do not want to harmed Next time try to just call in reinforcements like human shelter before you approach okay i just want you to be safe. Yes sometimes it does feel good to release all that anger i hope you can do that safely hugs

I do love your pictures of your cats so cute

 

[Jazzey]

sometimes the anger safeguards us

 

[NapsWithCats]

sometimes the anger safeguards us

I've come to find out that this is so totally true! The feeling of relief after; the letting of dark things go in whatever way I have to let it go; I've noticed less disassociation since I've learned to express anger and that it's okay.

I had taken intense communication training years ago (became suicidal from it, lol - long story, but it's "a different language" and was coerced) and geez, people were yellin' whenever they felt like it. I learned how to sit and just witness a friend's anger - not saying anything at all, no looks of sadness, fear, anything - she just wanted someone to witness her anger. It was really a lesson in learning what each individual really wants (witness, to be heard, to be understood, etc.) It was quite the cult, however, as I was doing so much volunteer work (transcribing the lessons the head dude was doing over and over and over from all the countries he went to, it became my only way to talk).

I was unable to say the word "should", "but", many, many words. Lost my friends with whom I had soooooo much FUN with (which is the core of who I was); they didnt' understand how I was speaking anymore, but would always come when they needed compassion and/or understanding. I lost my feel for fun completely, lost a lot of universal feelings, many needs went unmet, I think maybe this anger thing is starting to bring me out of that now. It was a "world peace" cult if you went to deeply into it which I did, having taken many intensive communication training weekends, etc.

I can't speak any further about this because there was more really sick stuff where I came to be suicidal and planned and the day before I was out the door to my final destination, my beloved cat (w/wings in picture, below) spoke to me with her eyes. She needed me. I felt the deepest love at that moment and took myself to the stupid hospital where I was misdiagnosed by the Psychiatrist after a 10 minute talk, then sexually abused by his partner Psychologist for 6 months, at my.... anyways, that's it for now.

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry..I only glimpsed at your post. I'm not good with dealing with pain right now. What I will say is that anger has saved me many times over in the past few years. I think that there has to be a good way to deal with anger (and I'm not saying that I have) but, it's saved me. Anger is not always a bad thing...sometimes, in some situations, it can pull us out of the immediate situation. And then, we still have to look at it, see how it informs the rest of our lives...and then deal with that.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[NapsWithCats]

Did I say something that triggered pain in you? (I wasn't understanding that sentence other than I feel that way pretty much all the time). Do let me know if something I said triggered you so I'll be prepared before I write next time.

Anyways, I prefer right now to express pain and anger however it comes out. Truly.

One thing I need to mention and will put in my profile is that I rarely am looking for advice of any kind - I ask for it if I'm needing or wanting it. I'm usually looking for compassion or understanding. With understanding you don't even have to agree, it's just like repeating back basically what I said so I feel validated that someone understood what I said (again, whether they agree or not doesn't play into it at all).

Wishing for you that the pain you are experiencing eases up quickly as is possible for you.

 

[Jazzey]

No, I'm sorry if I expressed it in that way. I have a few things going on right now. You express yourself quite well. There are just certain topics that are difficult for me. The issue doesn't lie with you. I'm too sensitive at times. And I'm selective about how much I read.

I'm not offering advice. I'm the last person to offer advice. But I was offering a sympathetic ear. I did understand what you said.

And thank you. I was simply trying to say that I'd heard you. That's all, I heard you.

 

[NapsWithCats]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your hearing me.

)

No, I'm sorry if I expressed it in that way. I have a few things going on right now. You express yourself quite well. There are just certain topics that are difficult for me. The issue doesn't lie with you. I'm too sensitive at times. And I'm selective about how much I read.

I'm not offering advice. I'm the last person to offer advice. But I was offering a sympathetic ear. I did understand what you said.

And thank you. I was simply trying to say that I'd heard you. That's all, I heard you.